Daughter-In-Law Won't Let Me Hold My Own Grandson—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I'm not allowed to hold or babysit my first grandchild through my son.

The mother has been uncomfortable with anyone holding Miles since his birth, and he's now 5 months old. She feels territorial and only allows her mother to babysit him.

So, the other grandma has opportunities with her first grandbaby, but I do not. When I am visiting, I rarely get to hold him.

I do have a good relationship with her, but I'm being held back. I raised four kids on my own passionately. I'm so depressed and sad, I don't seem to have any opportunities to be his grandmother and be close to him.

I don't feel this is healthy for him. She's keeping him from engaging and connecting with others in an extreme way. I understand the territorial instinct, but this seems cruel to others who love him and are also his family.

Christine, Unknown

'Continue to Make Yourself Available'

Dr. Kathryn Smerling is a New York City family therapist and author of the upcoming book 'Learning to Play Again: Rediscovering Our Early Selves to Become Better Adults.'

You are not alone, Christine. Unfortunately, this situation is repeated in multiple families. The mother of your grandson seems to be unaware that the more love a child has, the richer the experience of life will be for that child.

It's a form of withholding and it feels like the mother is wanting to keep her partner and son for herself, excluding her partner's family of origin. It is shortsighted considering that the child is one half of your family and one half of his mother's.

Don't give up in this situation. Continue to make yourself available and keep close in touch with your son, but you must continue to grow yourself. There is no way you can change another person. The only thing you can do is keep trying, and at one point, engage in a non-confrontational conversation with your grandson's mother.

Ask her directly why she is prohibiting you and others from seeing your grandson and participating in the joy of having a new child in the family.

'Share Your Feelings Honestly but Softly'

Becca Reed is a licensed clinical social worker as well as a perinatal mental health and trauma therapist.

Dear Christine, I understand how deeply you wish to bond with your grandson, and it sounds like this situation is causing you considerable heartache. It's clear you have a lot of love and experience to offer, and it must be very difficult feeling as if you're on the sidelines.

The transition to parenthood can be incredibly challenging for a new mother, often filled with both profound joy and overwhelming anxiety. It's not uncommon for new parents to lean heavily on their own mothers during this time, as they represent a familiar source of comfort and support. This preference by your daughter-in-law isn't necessarily a reflection on you or your capabilities. It might simply be her way of navigating this new, uncharted season of life.

One way to ease into a more active role could be to initiate a gentle conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Share your feelings honestly but softly, acknowledging the challenges they are facing and expressing your desire to help. For instance, you might say, "I understand this is a big adjustment for everyone, and I just want you to know how much I'd love to be a part of Miles' life in whatever way you all are comfortable."

You could also offer to assist in specific, non-intrusive ways. Perhaps offer to help around the house or run a quick errand. This can show them that your involvement is about their needs as much as your desire to be close to Miles.

However, it's crucial to remember that your role in Miles' life, while important, needs to fit comfortably within the boundaries she set. This might mean accepting that her readiness for you to be more involved may take time. Respecting her decisions and demonstrating support for her choices can help build trust and might eventually lead to greater opportunities for bonding with your grandson.

It's important to look after your own emotional health during this transition. Connecting with friends or a support group for grandparents can offer both practical advice and a sympathetic ear. You're not alone in facing these challenges, and it's okay to seek support as you navigate this delicate time.

By approaching this situation with understanding and patience, you'll help create a foundation of respect and love around Miles, which is the most nurturing environment for any child to grow up in.

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