I Can't Forgive My Alcoholic Father-in-Law—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, my husband and I stopped speaking to his parents five years ago. His dad has always been a drinker but that summer was the worse it had ever been. My father-in-law drove intoxicated to a family birthday party about 30 miles from his house.

He then attempted to take my 2-year-old sleeping child out of my hands and tried to force him to eat fruit as soon as he woke up. He was pushing it into his face where it smashed and smeared. During the family photo, he was standing on a rock in the backyard and stumbled off. It almost dragging two people down with him.

After that, we invited them over to our house for an intervention. My husband told him, if he continues to drink, he would not be allowed around our children (I was pregnant). But he continued and my mother-in-law enabled.

The following day on Father's Day, he was drunk again and made our eldest cry by spraying him in the face with a super soaker repeatedly after being asked to stop several times. He said some hateful things and we left. My mother-in-law reached out asking for any resources (I'm a first responder) which I provided. My husband had been going to Alcoholics Anonymous, and she started to go to a separate one also. We invited her to every birthday party, but she wouldn't come as she didn't want to hurt her husband's feelings.

Both of them have caused my husband deep emotional pain. I'm proud that he has been seeing a therapist to work on himself. Recently to heal, he has reached out to his mom trying to see if they can have a relationship. His dad has allegedly been sober a year or so now.

As a person, I understand my in-laws have made mistakes, and people are not perfect. As a wife and mother, I don't think I could ever forgive them. I feel like it's scorched earth and life is too short to spend with anyone whom I don't trust. Trying to remain open-minded while my instincts are ribbing me is not my strong suit.

You Don't Have To See Your In-Laws

Helen Villiers is a psychotherapist based in the U.K. She is also the co-author of the book titled You Are Not the Problem, which focuses on understanding and managing relationships with narcissistic individuals.

I'm so sorry that you've experienced this situation. I'm glad to see your husband is taking responsibility for the trauma that this behavior brings by going to therapy.

Ultimately, your husband needs to choose his own path to healing, and you can support him with that, but there are caveats. Your primary concern should be about protecting your children. That means setting and holding boundaries around contact with the children where they may be exposed to more of this awful behavior towards them.

You mentioned that at the intervention your father-in-law was told that if he continued drinking he wouldn't have access to the children. However you go on to talk about how he was drunk and abusive towards your children the next year. I would ask you to reflect on that a moment. Why were your children around him when you knew he was still drinking? You had set the boundary, and it was for you to hold it. I mention this, not to shame you, but to empower you, to show you where you can remove yourself and your children from his presence and protect yourselves.

It's important that you recognize your mother-in-law as an enabler, because that means she cannot be relied on to protect you, or your family, over her relationship with her husband. She doesn't hold him accountable or challenge him, and I suspect, even asks you to tolerate the behavior. If he is sober then great. I would just ask yourself how sure you are this is true?

Your husband has a tricky path to tread, but it's his path. Just because your husband wants a relationship with his mother, it doesn't mean you are obliged to have one with her too. You can still support him by talking and exploring his feelings without being around her.

A Sudden Reunion May Confuse the Children

Leanna Stockard is a licensed marriage and family therapist who works for LifeStance Health.

It's difficult to balance being an empathic human while being a wife, mother and daughter-in-law. I appreciate your desire to want to be supportive of your husband, while realizing that your boundaries have been crossed, potentially to the point of no return. Consider the boundaries that have been previously crossed, and everyone's emotional, mental, and physical safety. While this is your husband's healing journey with his parents, it's also yours and your children's.

It's ok to be on a different page than your husband while also being supportive. Listen to your gut if your instincts are resisting you from trusting your in-laws right now.

Be open with your husband and communicate that while you're supportive of his decision to try and re-establish a relationship with his mother, you're not there yet. I'd hope that he'd be understanding and wouldn't put pressure on you.

Balance each other's feelings by focusing on what he's sharing. Listen, empathize and validate his perspective, WITHOUT sharing yours in return (unless he asks). This doesn't mean your feelings aren't equally valid, but they need to be expressed at a different time than when he's sharing his. This will show him you care about what he's saying and help him feel supported, while modeling how you want to be supported when you express your feelings.

Even though your husband is taking this next step, we don't know where it will lead. If he's determining whether a relationship is possible right now, he may learn it's not the right time, or he's not able to forgive his parents. While this is scary, it's where being open is key. If re-establishing a relationship is his next step, we don't know how long it will take. Setting this foundation of open, honest communication while being respectful of each other will remain critical.

Also consider your children's healing journey. While they haven't had contact with your in-laws in the last five years, they still had difficult circumstances with your father-in-law. They may not understand why they haven't seen their grandparents, and a sudden return may be confusing to them.