Speaking spontaneously—whether in a classroom, when giving a toast, making an apology or getting to know a stranger—can be scary and stressful. Stanford Business School lecturer and Think Fast Talk Smart podcast host Matt Abrahams identifies best practices for spontaneous communication in his new book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You're Put on the Spot (Simon & Schuster). In this Q&A, he talks about how his experiences growing up with a name at the beginning of the alphabet influenced his interest in mastering this skill, how to handle saying the wrong thing and who he'd most like to run into unexpectedly...and what he'd say to start that conversation.
Q _ How did you come to focus on spontaneous speaking?
A _ At least three paths have led me here. Ever since my elementary school days, I have always been called on first because of my last name starting with "Ab." Teachers would always have me go first.
Second, I taught public speaking for many years, and often had students come back and tell me that while their presentations, pitches and meetings would go well as a result of the class, they still struggled with in-the-moment, communication—like answering questions, making small talk or apologizing for mistakes.
Finally, nine years ago, the deans at the Stanford GSB came to me with a problem they were having. Our incredibly bright students were struggling when professors cold called them in class. Although they knew the answers, the students struggled to articulate them well. I realized that this was a problem that many people struggled with, and I wanted to understand why. I began studying spontaneous speaking in earnest, looking across many disciplines, such as psychology, communication, anthropology, theater and improvisation for answers. The result is a methodology that I created and capture in the book—and teach regularly to both students and individuals inside organizations.
Everyone says exactly the wrong thing sometimes. How can you dig yourself out of a hole if you've misspoken?
There are many different categories of misspeaking. For instance, there are times when we say something that is offensive and bothersome to others. The remedy for this is to immediately apologize in a public way, addressing what you did and how it likely impacted the person involved.
Another type of misspeaking has to do with simply saying the wrong thing—not what we intended to say. In these circumstances, if it is not obvious that a mistake was made, I recommend that you simply continue. Our audiences only know what we say, not what we intended to say.
A final type of misspeaking is one that is based on our evaluation of what we could have said, instead of what we did say. Too often, we strive to be perfect in our communication. In all my years of doing this work, I have come to learn there is no "right" way to communicate—only better and worse ways. Our energy is better focused on connecting with our audience, rather than perfecting what it is we say.
Do you have go-to conversation starters that work for you in most situations? What are they?
When I initiate conversation, I like to highlight something in the environment that I and the other person or people are experiencing. Just the other day at a work mixer, I approached someone I did not know well, and I commented on the number of people wearing light blue shirts in the room. The other person responded with laughter, and we had a 15-minute conversation that covered a number of topics. We are set to meet for lunch the next time he visits the area. Another idea is to start by asking a question related to your environment—a party, event or work function. If it were a conference event, I would start by asking what someone thought of the day's keynote address.
You discuss "maximizing mediocrity" in your book. What is this about?
Maximizing mediocrity is really about cognitive bandwidth. When we strive for greatness in our communication by trying to be perfect in what we say or do, we end up working against ourselves. Think of your brain as a central processing unit of a computer. It's not a perfect analogy, but it works for this purpose. If you have multiple apps or windows open, your CPU is not functioning at its best. Each of the apps is running slightly slower than it would if it were running alone.
Your brain works the same way. If I am constantly judging and evaluating and comparing what I am saying to what I memorized, I have limited bandwidth to focus on what I am actually saying in the moment. Maximizing mediocrity is simply another way of saying that. The complete saying is: "Maximize mediocrity, so you can achieve greatness."
What's the most unexpected thing someone said to you—or you used yourself—as a conversation starter?
Once, during a mid-lecture break in an executive education class, a student approached me, frustrated by the way I was teaching my concepts, and said, "You are doing it all wrong! This way of teaching is damaging to your students." This certainly got my attention. Rather than being defensive, I asked follow-up questions and learned that he actually had a valid point. Not sure I would recommend this as a conversation starter for others to use though.
Who would you most like to bump into unexpectedly and how would you start that conversation?
I would have loved to bump into Robin Williams. His ability to speak in the moment was phenomenal. I would likely have started the conversation by simply posing a question to him—highlighting something I noticed in our shared environment. My assumption is he would take that and run with it.
If you get nervous when you're put on the spot to speak, what helps you through it?
The anxiety management plan I deploy is to remind myself that I have value to bring, which allows me to focus on my message and my audience, rather than the anxiety I'm feeling. And I also take a deep belly breath to slow down my heart rate.
