I'm a Couples Therapist, People Are Turning to Dry Dating

Dating is nerve-wracking. You're full of anticipation, expectation, hope, and pressure. You check your hair again before they arrive, and have that inner voice tell you to not be weird.

No wonder you think to just grab a drink for some "liquid courage" on a date—to relax and feel more at ease. One drink turns to several, and suddenly you're laughing together and having a whale of a time.

What happens, though, if all that fun you have together whilst dating is chemically induced by alcohol? What happens if you do or say things you regret, whilst under the influence of alcohol?

The comedown of alcohol means that often, people have some serious regrets and ruminations as the alcohol wears off.

As a clinical psychologist and couples therapist working with perfectionism, anxiety, stress, and burnout, I often see clients use alcohol as a way to calm their nerves or boost their confidence when dating.

Over the years, I've worked with clients who have stewed over what they said and dissected whether they made a fool of themselves on a date because of alcohol.

Alcohol is a depressant drug, so it inhibits the nervous system. Drinking too much on a date can make them obsess and overthink, beating themselves up and generally feeling like crap after.

What if you have a great date then, and you pursue a relationship with your new beau? Even if you don't regret anything that happened in the early stages of dating, you may also struggle to remember your firsts if you were drunk during them.

Do you remember your first kiss? When you first laughed at each other's joke? When you first had sex?

Those might be treasured memories in the future, years down the line of a committed relationship, and I have had clients in couples therapy say that alcohol robbed them of those early experiences. It's simply too hazy to bring out and cherish.

Clients also tell me how drinking a lot on dates can be a warning sign to themselves that something doesn't feel right. They don't feel at ease in the company of the other person, but after a few drinks, it feels okay. So they keep drinking, and keep numbing that intuition that it isn't a good fit because they have so much fun together, right?

It can be a warning sign also that they don't feel right, and acting destructively or even outright dangerously. Alcohol limits our impulse control, so you may well say or do things you later feel aren't in line with who you want to be.

I don't mean to blame or shame around alcohol. I am a pragmatist and someone who looks at function and context. If it works for you and has no drawbacks, be my guest.

But if you find that you wish you could have a different dating experience, here is your permission for "dry dating".

What happens when you go on dates sober? One man told me that dry dating, so done sober rather than under the influence of alcohol, was less stressful than previous drunk dating experiences he'd had.

"The focus was much more on our connection, who we were as people, our dreams, and the future," he said. "Totally without drama. Just good company and getting to know each other properly."

He also explained that a previous dating experience had been so alcohol-fuelled that he ended it: "One girl I dated, there was always alcohol involved. Whether a dinner, a party, or a meeting during the day. It was expensive to go out with her.

"Over the course of the date, she would turn from quite a sweetheart into someone brash, unpleasant, and abusive."

You don't deserve your date to treat you badly or be like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde towards you depending on whether they have been drinking. Alcohol can have that effect on people, changing the way their personality comes out.

I have also heard couples struggle with alcohol later down the line in their relationships, where problem drinking in one or both partners might have been visible already in the early days, but the signs were ignored.

They were just "having fun" then, and when the fun stopped, alcohol impacted how their partner parented, listened, or carried responsibilities.

Clients have told me that after dry dating over time, they don't miss alcohol. One person expressed to me: "It has always been about getting to know each other, understanding what we enjoy, where we are going in life, enjoying each other's company, experiences of different things like coffee shops, the theatre, and road trips. Alcohol is not needed to enjoy these experiences."

I have also been told that anyone insisting on alcohol in those kinds of experiences can be seen as a red flag too, now that we have more of a conscious culture of sobriety for health reasons.

For your next date, you could try going to an activity where alcohol isn't involved. Notice how you feel before, during, and after. Can it be worth some more nerves about going on a date sober, when the return on investment for tolerating that discomfort could be a more meaningful, authentic connection with that person over time?

Without a hangover, you'll also be available for brunch the day after a successful date—just by leaving out the Mimosas and focusing on the conversation.

Michaela Thomas is a Clinical Psychologist and author of The Lasting Connection.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

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