I Learned to Love My Plus-Size Body With 3 Valuable Lessons

I was in fifth grade the first time someone called me a fat b****.

By this time, bullying and harassment about my size were nothing new. In fact, I very distinctly remember in third grade when I wore a brand-new pair of Levi jeans to school and forgot to take off the tag. Of course, someone noticed, and they made sure everyone knew I wore a size 12. Not a kid's size 12—women's size 12.

I could go on and on with similar stories from throughout my life where I've been put down, teased, and called names because of my size, but that moment stands out as the catalyst for my bullying; where it all began.

I got to the point in seventh grade where I was so desperate to not be made fun of that I thought changing myself was the only way to stop it.

In my mind, it wasn't that they were just bullies, it was that I deserved to be bullied because of my body. So, I joined a weight loss group to try to change myself—to stop the harassment and to take away their ammunition.

I went to the meetings every week, and every week when the weight came off, I was cheered. I received tokens and gifts and prizes every time I met a new milestone.

But nobody looked at my food logs to see what I was or wasn't eating. I was rewarded for what amounted to starving myself because I was losing weight, and losing weight was the ultimate goal.

It didn't matter how I got there, or that I looked sickly. It didn't matter I could barely stand up because my body wasn't getting the nutrients it needed to operate and survive. I was cheered all the same each and every week because I was losing weight.

It's not tough to imagine the impact that experience had on my mental health as a 13-year-old girl. That's when I started my eating disorder, and that's where I began a challenging and difficult relationship with food—one that I sometimes still struggle with today.

In my mind, I equated starving myself with being a good thing because I was meeting society's standards of health and beauty.

I know there are others out there who have similar stories to mine, who have been bullied and harassed because of their size, who struggle to fit society's definitions of health and beauty. I want you to know that you're not alone.

It took me a long time to understand that "healthy" looks and feels different for everyone and isn't necessarily aligned with what we see in movies, on TV, in magazines, or sometimes even with what doctors tell us.

For instance, most medical professionals defer to body mass index, or BMI, as the standard for what healthy looks like at the individual level.

But BMI was created by an academic whose studies included astronomy, not a physician. The index was not intended as a tool for individual medical assessments, but as a means for determining the "average man."

In my opinion, BMI generally has flawed statistical limitations, yet it continues to be leveraged as the standard of care in doctors' offices and hospitals across the country.

Through my research on health at every size, I have learned that studies suggest our bodies all have a natural resting point for weight, meaning that having a different-sized body is okay.

I'm happier and feel healthier in a plus-size body than I ever did at 130lbs, because that wasn't living. I was miserable.

I believe that the weight loss and weight management industry, which was worth an estimated $224 billion in 2021 according to researcher Facts and Factors, has taught us to believe that if we just lose the weight, everything else in our lives will become easier.

And that's just not true.

I am with the love of my life and feel happier and more fulfilled now as a plus-size individual than I ever have before.

It also took a ton of time researching and educating myself to understand how societal systems and lack of representation set us up to fail when it comes to body image and weight.

For example, you rarely see a fat person front and center brushing their teeth in a toothbrush commercial, and plus-size individuals are typically relegated to the comedic relief role playing second fiddle to the main character in movies and TV shows.

Even the 2023 Met Gala back in May honored a controversial fashion designer whose fatphobic views were well documented.

In 2012, I started my personal online platform, Ready to Stare. I wanted to create a haven for marginalized individuals—especially those in bigger bodies—to feel accepted.

I wanted people to feel like they have a place in this one-size-fits-all world where they belong. Everybody and everybody has the right to live their lives without judgment or persecution.

What I didn't expect when I started my site was just how much my story would resonate with people and how many uplifting, positive engagements it would lead to.

I also didn't anticipate just how many additional doors it would open for me to be able to partner with like-minded organizations to further spread my message about self-love and body neutrality.

One opportunity that has meant a lot to me is being part of an advisory council, The Collective, for Big Fig mattresses. The Collective is made up of a group of eight plus-size influencers from all walks of life.

Aside from testing products to see how they really impact plus-size bodies and offering feedback on how to be an authentic alley, we meet quarterly to have real discussions about real issues impacting plus-size individuals and other marginalized groups.

We have built a community, a safe space for bigger figured individuals to be themselves and experience share in the hope of creating a better future for the next generation.

Society and its fear of fat have robbed us of experiences, and while each member of The Collective has created a platform to destigmatize being fat, there is still more work to be done.

My efforts have led to opportunities to amplify my voice and reach new audiences through events and social media promotions, and to share my story with new audiences through articles, interviews and more.

It has given me an opportunity to continue to use my voice to make a difference, while advocating for our access to the same basic necessities and privileges offered to straight size people.

I'm so proud of how many individuals I've been able to positively impact through my work on my own platforms and through my partnerships with brands that stand up for people of all shapes, sizes, races, genders, and sexual preferences.

We exist. We're people, too. And we're not going to disappear.

My 3 Valuable Lessons

I never set out for my own body to be a topic of conversation, but that's certainly what's happened. It seemed like people felt entitled to have an opinion about my body and the way I live my life. They were making judgments based on my physical appearance rather than who I am as an individual.

During my time running my online platform, I've been called much worse than a fat b****. In fact, you name it, and I've likely been called it.

The difference now is that I know there will always be people who want to put you down—even in your happiest and most successful moments—but it's more about their own insecurities than your happiness and success.

And, throughout my time as an online content creator, I've learned some valuable lessons that have helped me tune out the negativity and embrace self-love.

Firstly, take care of your mental health to achieve physical acceptance. Initially, I don't think I realized just how important a role my mental health played in my journey toward self-love and acceptance of my plus-size body.

But, over time, I recognized that if I wasn't happy as a plus-size person, I'd never be happy as a straight-size person. So, a lot of my efforts toward self-love have focused on my mental health and well-being.

Secondly, ground yourself. I know this sounds corny, but I tell everyone beginning their self-love journey to start by looking in the mirror. Put on that new bikini for the first time, wear it around the house, and get used to seeing yourself in it.

Gain that confidence and comfort in your own mind so when you wear it out in public, you are already grounded in a positive perception and image of yourself and how you look. This will help you tune out the noise and set yourself up for success.

Finally, process offline first. Living in a digital world, it's so easy to feel compelled to share every aspect of our lives with people online, but it's so important to protect your peace by processing offline first.

I do not share anything about my personal life or health online until I am prepared to hear the worst possible thing someone could think. I make sure

I am grounded in my own feelings about the situation so that I can speak from a clear and unemotional place. I am sure I am emotionally equipped to handle the negative feedback and commentary I'll receive online.

Self-love is a journey. There are challenges and roadblocks, good days and bad. If nothing else, know that you're not alone, and I'm rooting for you.

Alysse Dalessandro is plus-size fashion and travel blogger, LGBTQ influencer, writer, designer, and professional speaker based in Cleveland, Ohio.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

Do you have a unique experience or personal story to share? Email the My Turn team at myturn@newsweek.com.