How To Split Your Time Between Family This Christmas, According To Experts

Christmas is a magical time of year that sees families come together. According to a December 2013 study by the Pew Research Center, gathering with family and friends is the element Americans look forward to most about Christmas and the holidays.

But organizing the logistics around Christmas family gatherings can be tricky. Here experts share tips on how to navigate splitting time between families during the holidays.

Don't Want To Spend Christmas Day At Your In-Laws? How To Split The Holidays Between Your Family and Theirs

Robin Lalley, a family law attorney from Sodoma Law, told Newsweek: "A great starting point is to determine what holidays and traditions are most important to each side of the family. It may be that giving everyone what is most important to them works out naturally in your favor."

For example, for Christmas, it could be that your in-laws always get together and open presents or attend church on Christmas Eve. This would then free up Christmas Day for you and your family to make plans and focus on your own traditions.

Another option is to try to create new traditions. "Your mother may need to let go of the idea of hosting Christmas dinner at her house and create a new tradition of a joint Christmas dinner at your house with both sides of the family," Lalley said.

Todd Spencer, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Zest for Life Counseling in Utah, told Newsweek: "Don't be afraid to create new traditions that better serve your families' circumstances. Likewise, if maintaining a certain tradition is burdensome it is okay to make some revisions. You can honor the tradition by making valuable updates."

If you find that you're not looking forward to a tradition you used to look forward to, it may just mean that it's time to update it, Spencer said.

How To Share Christmas After A Divorce

Attorney Marina Shepelsky, the CEO and founder of Shepelsky Law Group, told Newsweek that the best way to split time between divorced families is to plan ahead.

Lalley agreed, saying that the most important aspect to keep in mind to avoid conflict is to try to plan the holidays and sharing of time well in advance. "Even if you have a set schedule, confirm the understanding of that schedule with the other parent so that everyone is on the same page and any conflicts or requests for flexibility can be made and considered well before holiday plans are finalized."

Shepelsky said: "A good divorce settlement agreement usually lays out in great detail who the children will spend holidays with each year, and how even birthdays will be divided."

Shepelsky explained that when drafting a divorce settlement agreement, a good divorce attorney will take into consideration, the religious preferences of each parent, the fairness of visitation, and parenting time during the holidays, as well as the children's preferences, even dates like grandparents' birthdays.

For example, in some settlements, the parents may agree that in odd-numbered years the kids will be with their dad and his family for Christmas, while even-numbered years will be spent with mom and her family. "When the kids get older, however, they become participants in these decisions," she said.

Lalley said that with divorced families, it does seem to be all about making sure everything is equal, both an equal amount of time and equal quality of time.

The family law attorney said: "The prospect of not being with your child(ren) for Christmas morning to open presents is often very overwhelming for a parent, especially the first year after a separation or divorce.

"Therefore, giving one parent the sole discretion in setting the holiday schedule is not the best option, as it's likely not to be as equitable on the division of time," Lalley said.

So it may require an outsider—such as a mediator, judge, or parenting coordinator—to provide a less emotional, more fair perspective on how to evenly divide up the holidays, the family law attorney advised.

How To Make Christmas Special After A Divorce

Spencer said: "When navigating the family politics of how to divide your time among different family members it is valuable to remember the purpose of the tradition, being present, setting boundaries, and giving yourself to create new traditions or change old traditions as necessary," he said.

1. Putting Your Kids' Needs First

The most important aspect to consider when you have children involved is that "it's about them, not you," Lalley said.

"Children should not be made to feel like they are in the middle of conflict between their parents or are betraying a parent by spending holiday time with the other parent and their extended family," she explained.

While many parents are more focused on the exact day of the holiday or holding to old traditions, "children are just happy to spend time together and get presents—no matter what actual day that falls on," the family law attorney noted.

2. Remember the Purpose of Your Traditions

Spencer said: "Being able to identify the purpose and reason of your holiday traditions can help you remember why you are getting together in the first place and reduce the stress of the season."

Research indicates that family traditions help families do five important things, as outlined below by Spencer:

• Help families stay connected to each other and their past
• Provide stability during times of change
• Assist with the healing and grief process
• Express values and beliefs
• Celebrate key moments

3. Being Present

Remember that the quality of time you spend with others is more valuable to quantity of time, Spencer said.

The licensed marriage and family therapist noted that many couples experience conflict over "perceptions of unequal time spent" between families during the holidays. Splitting the time 50-50 between couples' families often results in both partners feeling frustrated.

But those who successfully navigate sharing holiday time between families "place a greater emphasis on being present with who they are with," Spencer said. "It is more important to be engaged and involved than to simply show up and do your time at a holiday event."

4. Setting Boundaries

Spencer explained: "Knowing and expressing your boundaries is healthy. As your schedule fills up it is okay to say 'no' to events. Communicating your boundaries is one way to honor your own needs while still respecting your relationships.

Sometimes the fear of disappointing others prevents people from expressing their needs, but you need to "remember it is not selfish to take care of yourself," he said.

Do you have any tips for spending time with families during the holidays? Let us know via life@newsweek.com and your could be featured on Newsweek.