What To Do When Your Direct Report Doesn't Respect You

Many of us spend a significant amount of our time working with others. When you're leading a team, individual quirks can be tough to manage. Poor behavior coupled with personality clashes can make or break workplace cultures and directly impact our teams' productivity and performance.

Disrespectful behavior can be open to interpretation, but it's not uncommon to find yourself frustrated if a direct report is not being a team player, exhibits unprofessional behavior in your presence or demonstrates a lack of accountability.

Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, professional or personal. We're all human, and there will be occasions when trust breaks down in your team. According to FlexJobs' Toxicity in the Workplace Survey, 84 percent of workers have had at least one toxic coworker, citing excessive complaining and negativity as the most prevalent bad behavior.

Examples of disrespectful behavior from a direct report may include ignoring or undermining others, being reluctant to collaborate and failing to meet deadlines without a reasonable explanation. It could be you've found yourself on the receiving end of gossip or rumors, sarcastic comments, excessive complaining or constant interruptions when you're speaking.

So, how should you respond when one of your direct reports doesn't respect you? Start by recognizing the issue and taking corrective action.

Identify the Underlying Issue

First, examine what isn't working well from your perspective. Then ask yourself: "Do I fully understand the underlying cause for the behavior that concerns me?"

Sometimes generational differences and cultural differences can lead to miscommunications that can result in misunderstandings. Cruz Corral, a content creator based in Los Angeles, shines a spotlight on relatable work-life challenges in his viral videos, highlighting how a supervisor and direct reports react to different scenarios.

Corral's parodies detail the day-to-day misaligned expectations between the team supervisor Bill the Boomer and his direct reports, Travis the Gen X, Cruz the Millennial and Ethan the Gen Z.

In several instances, Bill patiently explains his preferred way to connect is with the "camera on" for virtual meetings. At the same time, Ethan can't comprehend why the meeting is needed in the first place when everyone has access to Slack.

If misaligned expectations are part of the issue, manage expectations by creating specific guidelines for communication and responsiveness. It can be tempting to make assumptions, but it's our responsibility as leaders to be objective and seek to understand the root cause of an issue.

Use Coaching Questions to Start a Conversation

To get clarity, start a conversation in a safe, confidential space at a time when emotions are not running high. If you or your direct report are stressed or busy, it may not be the best time to talk.

Initiate the topic by letting your direct report know that you'd like to discuss your working relationship. Then schedule a one-on-one meeting. At the beginning of the meeting, let your direct report know you'd like to share feedback and get their input.

When expressing your observations regarding behavior, use statements that start with "I" to convey your observations, versus statements that start with "You." This approach is less accusatory and invites the other person to better understand your point of view.

Here's how it sounds in practice:

Don't say: "You are often uncommunicative and it's so frustrating."

Do say: "I feel frustrated when I've asked for our status report but don't receive a response until several days later. In future, I need to receive a response no later than by the end of a business day."

Aim to provide constructive, specific and actionable feedback versus vague feedback that's hard to interpret.

Be Open to Feedback from Your Direct Report

Next, provide space for the other person to share their perspective. Ask your direct report for their suggestions for how to improve your working relationship.

In the best-selling book How to Work with (Almost) Anyone, Michael Bungay Stanier explains how work relationships get damaged and our instinct can be to turn away from one another. Instead, one way to repair them is to build a bridge back to connection.

Bungay Stanier explains how building a bridge requires you to stay open and curious, versus being defensive or self-righteous, to de-escalate the situation and then seek to rebuild. This involves the practice of active listening.

This is a principle that is used consistently in executive and career coaching. It requires you to resist the urge to pass judgment and to demonstrate respect for others, so they can be heard.

Maintain Your Commitment to Rebuilding Trust

After you've had the clarifying conversation with your direct report, monitor the situation and take note of any progress or areas for improvement. Continue to provide specific, actionable feedback, set expectations and provide positive reinforcement for progress made.

If the situation does not improve, it's important to document instances of inappropriate behavior, including the date, time, locations and descriptions of the behavior and the name of anyone else present. Talk to your human resources team. They can review your notes and provide counsel on how to address the issue effectively.

But before taking action with human resources, it's crucial to recognize the issue and address it by initiating a conversation. Clarify expectations with constructive feedback and provide the space for your direct report to share their perspective.

This proactive approach provides an opportunity to create a more positive working relationship, rebuild trust and demonstrate that you are invested in your team and are committed to leading by example.

About the Author

Octavia Goredema is an award-winning career coach at Twenty Ten Agency, author of Prep, Push, Pivot, and host of the Audible Original series How to Change Careers with Octavia Goredema. You can learn more about Octavia's work at octaviagoredema.com.