Mom Told To Ditch Friend for Wanting Time With Daughter Alone: 'Suspicious'

A post about a woman who feels it is "weird" that her close friend only wants to spend time with her child alone has gone viral on Mumsnet, the U.K.-based online forum.

In a post shared on Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) subforum, user Foncusedchamenange said this friend "happened to be in my path when I was having a meltdown" while struggling with the thought of terminating a pregnancy a few years ago.

"She was an absolute rock, solid, supportive, compassionate, offering help," she added.

The user said: "I went on to have the baby, and now that little girl is the absolute joy of my life." She said her friend helped her "through the baby years" and the user's partner "thought she was an angel."

But her "life was turned to rubble" after her partner died, the user said, adding that the following months have been "a jumble" with "bereavement leave, stress leave, Covid, etc."

She said her daughter has started school and "the weird thing now is...my friend only ever wants to see my daughter... without me...AIBU to feel slighted / suspicious?..."

Having close friends can contribute to an individual's social and emotional well-being but "greater closeness and intimacy can also breed conflict," noted a July 2021 study in the peer-reviewed Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

The study said "friends occasionally engage in behaviors that are hurtful, such as betraying a confidence" and "one or both friends could choose to dissolve the relationship when such circumstances arise."

The study found "emerging adults endorsed the downgrade strategies more frequently than complete termination of the relationship" in the face of challenges in a friendship.

These downgrading strategies include either distancing yourself from the friend (such as by decreasing the frequency of contact or communication) or "compartmentalizing" the friendship (such as setting limits on the types of activities or topics in which you are willing to engage).

The study said: "The many social and emotional benefits associated with having at least one friend suggest choosing to end or weaken a friendship may be a maladaptive strategy in response to challenging situations in friendship."

The user from the latest Mumsnet post said she understands that she "might not be fun to be with" and "maybe even have a bit of a negative outlook on life."

But "I'm very isolated, and would love to enjoy happy times with my friend and my daughter; instead of being left to the interminable housework while she takes my daughter out for treats," she said.

The user explained: "It would be too long winded to give examples of how she [her friend] has set up or engineered situations where she gets to spend time with my DD [dear daughter] without me, but I've no doubt this is happening and it's weird. And becoming increasingly weirder."

She said she's "confident nothing dodgy is going on," as the user "had many conversations about boundaries and appropriate adult behavior" with her child.

But she worries about "what conversations/prying questions" her friend might be asking her daughter while she's not there. "I think there's just an over-stepping of boundaries ... and the trust has been ebbing away."

Several users on Mumsnet shared messages of support for the original poster, saying the friend wanting to be alone with her child seems like a "massive red flag," and advised ditching the friendship.

HeckyPeck said: "I would stop any more solo visits. If she says she misses your DD, I'd suggest meeting up somewhere like the park together. If she says no then she won't get to see her. Then phase her out for new school friends etc.

MessyBunPersonified said: "It does sound like she sees herself more like someone who helps you out rather than a friend at this point. You can either have a conversation about it or just back off from this entirely..."

lemonyanus said: "Massive red flag there OP I wouldn't be leaving my child alone with anyone who was that keen to get them alone."

User elm 26 said: "This is a big red flag to me! Why does she want to be alone with your child?...any good friend would be picking you up off that floor that grief puts you on sometimes, encouraging you to go out with them even for a little bit of lunch, a walk etc."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.