A mother-of-two has been criticized online for interfering with her husband's relationship with his son from a previous marriage. She wrote that her stepson stopped talking to her husband when she told him he must involve her kids too if he wants to keep seeing the son.
The post was shared on Reddit earlier in March under the username u/ConcernedMother45. The woman explained that, when she met her husband 20 years ago, he was still married to his ex-wife and had a 4-year-old child, James, who is now 24.
The poster and her now-husband fell in love while he was still married to his ex. However, nothing "physical" happened between them until he left his wife to be with her.
According to a recent survey conducted by YouGov America, 33 percent of Americans who have been in a monogamous relationship say they have cheated, either physically, emotionally, or both, on a partner. When asked about their experiences of being cheated on, 54 percent of those who have been in a monogamous relationship say they have been cheated on, either physically, emotionally, or both.
In the 20 years the poster has known her stepson, he has "never liked [her]," nor has he ever shown any interest in getting to know his half-siblings. These are the children she and her now-husband have from their marriage, after he divorced James's mom.
The poster wrote: "When James turned 18, he left home, and while he would occasionally call and spend time with Fred, he would never do so with me or our children. Recently, I asked Fred to include our children when he spends time with James, but James has not spoken to him since."
The poster's mother-in-law, whom she says has always preferred her husband's ex-wife to her, then called her accusing her of hurting James and Fred's relationship "even further."
"I understand that my request may have hurt James' feelings, but after almost two decades of trying to build a relationship with him, I feel that I have exhausted all other options," the poster wrote. "I love my husband and our children, and I want them to feel included and valued in our family. It's not fair for James to exclude them from his life with Fred simply because he has a strained relationship with me.
"I believe that it's important for families to come together and support one another, especially during difficult times. James is a part of our family, and I want him to know that he is welcome to spend time with us, but not at the expense of my children's feelings or our family dynamic.
"I understand that James may be hurt, but I hope that he can see that our family is important to us, and that we want him to be a part of it," the poster added.
Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, told Newsweek: "Forcing James to spend time with a stepfamily he openly detests will not create a healthy family relationship any more than stapling apples to a random tree will turn it into an apple tree."
Carmichael said that spending time together is the fruit of a dynamic where people are at least willing to engage on a basic level. Forcing people to spend time together in this situation is only likely to increase resentment.
"Especially since James is now well past the age of 18, 'chasing' him by begging or forcing his participation is inflating the sense of importance that his 'blessing' upon this relationship carries," Carmichael added.
"I would suggest they simply accept he is unwilling or unable to participate in a loving (or even courteous) manner, and then move forward by focusing on building loving relationships with family members that are actually interested in familial bonds."
The post has quickly gained popularity, receiving more than 9,500 upvotes and 4,700 comments so far.
One user, Rowanever, commented: "OK, so... Your husband divorced James' mother to be with you. James, somewhat unsurprisingly, wants nothing to do with the person who helped to break up his parents. James refused to play Happy Families with the two of you. Your husband has a tenuous relationship with James now.
"You put extra tension on that relationship by demanding that your children be included in any meetings between your husband and James. Your reasoning was that your children would feel left out if their father occasionally spent time with James without them.
"Despite James not wanting to spend any time with his half-siblings, you somehow thought this was... going to be a healing move??? Come off it. You've been sabotaging this parent-child relationship for 20 years. Can't you give it a rest?"
Geo_1997 wrote: "James just sees a home wrecker that won't leave him alone." LetsGetsThisPartyOn added: "'You believe families should come together and support one another.' All the while ripping a family apart. Ohhhhh OK. Let them have their own time. Stop being a jealous old affair partner."
TheGargageMan wrote: "You don't get to decide how a grown man you aren't even related to spends his time."
Cookiekeks74 added: "Stop forcing you and your kids on a grownup man. If family was that important to you, why have you destroyed one?"
Newsweek reached out to u/ConcernedMother45 via Reddit for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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Maria Azzurra Volpe is a Newsweek Lifestyle Reporter based in London. Her focus is reporting on lifestyle and trends-related stories, ... Read more
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