I'm a Co-parenting Coach—Parents Struggle With Two Obstacles

There's nothing more distressing and heartbreaking than knowing a child is scared because of how their parents are interacting.

One morning, while the ink on our divorce papers was still drying, my co-parent and I were engaged in a tense exchange over a trip he intended to take.

It was supposed to be a routine pickup, yet I was horrified to see our young daughter cowering under the dining table. It was clear she wasn't playing a game. At the time, I thought: I could either ignore her and continue pushing my own need to be seen and acknowledged by my ex, or I could tend to her needs for safety and security.

That moment changed everything for me and my co-parenting relationship. I knew that even if I couldn't count on my co-parent to make changes, I had to make the effort to put our child's needs first.

She hadn't asked for any of this conflict—all she wanted was to love us both, and for us to work together so she could be free to play, grow, and learn.

During those early days of my divorce, I felt like a failure because I hadn't kept our marriage together. Fear of being alone and fear that we were "hurting our kid" gripped my stomach.

I was angry, hurt, and felt a sting of shame by the new sense that I was invisible as a single mom—as if I no longer belonged to what society considers a "normal" family.

As I sorted through these emotions, I realized that I needed a divorce, even if I didn't want it, and that I would have to pick up the pieces and rebuild—for myself and, more importantly, for my daughter. Whether or not my ex made changes was up to him, but I could do my part. As I discovered, even one parent making changes can have a positive impact.

Around that time, I began to apply strategies from what I learned as a psychotherapist, about relationships and attachment theory. I was amazed to see how effective it was.

We were soon able to move from conflict to cooperation, and my daughter returned to being her happy self. This led me to working as a co-parenting coach, and it also led me to write a book to help co-parents create the secure foundation their kids need to thrive in two homes.

Throughout my work, I found that many co-parents struggle with two main obstacles.

Learning Healthy Communication Skills

Many parents who end their marriage don't realize how important communication is, as as they navigate their new co-parenting relationship.

Good communication is essential in knowing what is going on with their child when they aren't with them, planning for birthdays, coordinating school activities and vacations, and more. Communication is both verbal and non-verbal, consisting of tone, body language, and emotional tenor.

Early on, I became frustrated whenever my co-parent took days to respond to a text or walked away when I suggested how to care for our daughter. I felt out of control when he didn't give me the information I thought I needed. I was furious when I saw my daughter hobble out of school on my pickup day with a sprained ankle that happened at his place, but I hadn't heard about it.

As I sought ways to improve our communication, I turned to my professional knowledge of attachment theory. I noticed that my anxious-ambivalent attachment style—characterized by a need for validation and quick reassurances—influenced how I phrased requests or made suggestions.

At the same time, my co-parent's avoidant attachment style—characterized by a need for self-reliance and independence—led him to hear my requests as criticism and to avoid responding or getting defensive.

I used these insights to change how I initiated a conversation or responded to my co-parent. I was able to rein in my need for validation from him while no longer personalizing his need to feel self-reliant, yet without compromising either of our needs.

I focused on how we could reach a mutually beneficial goal: decreased conflict and increased cooperation so our kid would have calmer parents.

Even six years after our divorce, I still get triggered over some of the same issues. But now, I take a walk, breathe, notice my feelings, and repeat my mantra: You're not going to get roses from the hardware store. Then, I send that text or start that conversation. It's not perfect, but we can move through the tricky moments quickly while maintaining a cooperative spirit.

Navigating Different Parenting Styles

One main struggle I see between co-parents is over parenting styles. One parent follows a more permissive style with looser rules, while the other is stricter. This leads to the child being caught in the middle of a continuous battle.

I worked with two co-parents who had different homework rules. Mom had a permissive stance. According to her rules, their son could do his homework whenever he wanted. But Dad was more strict. He became angry and punished his son for not doing his homework and falling behind in school.

The boy yelled and screamed and told his father he hated him. These co-parents were in full fight mode as well. Each said to the other, "You're making it hard for me to parent!"

Different parenting styles can be an issue even in a nuclear family, but the lack of consistency it causes is accentuated in two homes.

You may not be able to change your co-parent's preferred parenting style, but you can discuss it with your co-parent and child. For example, the dad I just described might tell his son, "I know your mom has different rules around homework, but here you have to finish it before dinner."

In therapy, these parents were able to go beyond their struggle over whose style was better so they could focus on their child's need to feel confident and supported.

They developed a structure they could both stand behind, and learned how to present a united front to their child, even if the rules were not identical in both homes. Their son stopped screaming at his father and instead went to his room to finish his homework before dinner. He voluntarily carried some of the structure his dad required into his mother's house because it made him feel more confident and gave him an important sense of control.

I recommend that parents focus on maintaining consistent rules within their home, even if those rules differ from those in their child's other home.

Ultimately, all you can control is what you do in your home, including helping your child make sense of the differences and process their feelings about them. This will help your child feel safe with you and develop the flexibility, critical-thinking skills, and confidence to make life easier for them in the external world.

Divorce itself does not hurts kids. How co-parents go through a divorce does. While divorce can feel like a massive loss, it can also present an opportunity. It is a chance to transform the remnants of a no-longer-functional romantic relationship into a successful co-parenting relationship.

I have never regretted my marriage, yet I am grateful for my divorce. It brought me back to myself. It allowed me to find within myself the courage to speak up, the resources to heal, and the strength to extend my learning to others. Watching my daughter flourish in two homes has been an inspiration that has guided my efforts to help others.

Aurisha Smolarski is a certified co-parenting coach. She is the author of Cooperative Coparenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes.

All views expressed are the author's own.

Do you have a unique experience or personal story to share? See our Reader Submissions Guide and then email the My Turn team at myturn@newsweek.com.