I'm a Life Coach—Here's How to Handle a Midlife Crisis

Midlife—often considered a point of reflection and transition—can be an intricate journey for many individuals. The term "crisis" is bandied around a little too freely, but perhaps not incorrectly. By the time we reach midlife, often we're facing a crisis of identity.

We may have accumulated the material things we thought we wanted, only to find they don't make us happy.

Perhaps we've defined ourselves by our career, only to realize that we don't love what we do.

Or we've prioritized others, our partners, our children, our work, and as we enter a new phase of life, we realize we've lost a sense of connection with ourselves.

In my work as a midlife coach, I see variations of all these scenarios. Although the paths may differ for each individual, the destination tends to be the same: A place of discontent, a lack of fulfillment, a nagging feeling that something is missing, that a midlife malaise has set in.

Interestingly, what goes hand in hand with this is often a feeling of shame. Shame that we do have so much to be grateful for but that we feel unfulfilled and unhappy. Shame that we're not where we thought we would be. Shame about the failures, the "should haves", the "could haves."

If you're feeling this, then know you're not alone.

Midlife is a natural point for reflection. We know our youth is behind us, it's natural we'll want to take stock, but it doesn't need to be a time of crisis, or something that we see as the beginning of the end.

On the contrary, we need to value the experience and wisdom we've gained, and see the opportunities ahead.

Why We Have a Midlife Crisis

So why are we ending up in this place? Well, there are a number of factors. In the last couple of hundred years—a blink of an eye in evolutionary terms—we've increased our longevity and gone through profound social and cultural changes that can impact how we feel.

Many of our clients talk about feeling invisible after 50; that they don't matter to a society that's obsessed with youth and beauty. This is something clients say to me all the time—they feel out of step with society, undervalued, and uncertain about what their role is now.

Here's the thing: 200 years ago, 50 was old, not middle-aged. Life expectancy was lower.

At the same time, we had tighter-knit communities with focal points like churches and town meetings. There was a greater sense of community, and, crucially, the wisdom of age was valued.

Today we're living a lot longer and with a higher quality of life. It's not unreasonable to expect someone who's in their 40s or 50s today to be fit and healthy and contributing to society until their 80s at least.

Yet organizations still seek to retire people from their mid-50s onwards. That still leaves a lot of time.

Time when the career you maybe defined yourself by is gone. Where your children have left home and are self-sufficient. Time where, perhaps, because you've invested in your career or your family for decades, you're unsure who or what you are without them.

At the same time, we have world events and life pressures adding stress into the mix. This stress has a huge impact on our physical, mental, and psychological health. Social media widens the chasm as see everyone else's—false—highlight reels and feel that we're lacking in some way.

Then there's the hormonal changes both men and women experience. The menopause and andropause essentially mean lower levels of our primary sex hormones, estrogen and progesterone for women, and testosterone for men.

There are differences between the genders on the impact, but this fall in sex hormone levels hits us all physically, mentally, and emotionally.

The impact can be further amplified by things like poor diet, lack of exercise, poor sleep, stress, pollutants—the list goes on.

Symptoms such as decreased libido, fatigue, and depression can leave you feeling lost and uncertain. Then there's loss of muscle mass, low energy, trouble concentrating. In turn, these changes can drive further psychological changes, which are then compounded by the pressures we're under. Often, we can feel our body is betraying us.

So, it's no wonder that midlife can feel so bewildering. I see many people who've turned to distraction behaviors to escape the feelings that come up for them.

Some clients have turned to excessive work, drinking, drugs, affairs, getting lost in their phone's scroll-hole for hours a day—all of these give that short-term dopamine hit allowing them to temporarily escape reality, but not moving them towards a solution.

Being aware of what's happening for us allows us to make positive changes. Hopefully reading this, you'll feel less alone and more understood already. We need to stop seeing midlife as a crisis and instead as an opportunity for positive transformation.

With changes in hormone levels and redefining our roles in the world, I liken midlife to a second adolescence. Remember that time, which felt scary yet exciting? We need to embrace midlife in the same way.

Opportunity-Based Thinking

To do so, it's vital we take a holistic approach that's aligned with the results we want to achieve. A diet or a new workout is not going to cut it, because, ultimately, it's not addressing those psychological issues that impact us. It's about working with our minds as well as our bodies.

It's been well noted that as we age, we become more risk-averse. We need to work towards making this manageable to keep our lives more fulfilled, which in turn, will delay the effects of ageing.

When we're young, we play to win, but when we're older, we play not to lose. But what if you played to win again? If you risked a little more? Life starts to take on more color and become brighter. We've had clients launch new businesses, start new relationships, play at major festivals in their sixties!

It's about moving from what I call obstacle to opportunity thinking. But to do that we not only need to be healthy, we need to be actively working on our psychology.

So how do we do that? Let's start with the physical.

As we age, we lose muscle mass, so regular resistance training is a must to preserve muscle. We also want to look after our cardiovascular fitness by doing regular cardio training. So many clients get a boost in work performance when they get fitter and healthier, as well as happier, as regular exercise releases feel-good endorphins.

We can move to a diet richer in whole foods, minimizing sugars and processed foods. What we eat affects our gut health and mood, so this is another way we can make small adjustments that yield positive benefits.

Building Meaningful Connections

A lack of connection, of feeling alone, is a common theme for midlifers. We should be opening up to our friends or partners about what's going on for us, to help build authentic, meaningful connections. We can also seek out support groups or safe places where we'll feel heard and understood. For others, they may choose to work with mentors and coaches.

But that isn't the only way to build meaningful connections. We can take up new sports or hobbies, and find groups around what interests us, to rediscover our sense of purpose while being in a supportive community.

Finding what brings us joy and doing more of it: Finding time for gratitude every day, giving ourselves permission to prioritize ourselves, considering and resetting our values in line with who we are now, and actively working on our psychology, can help us elevate ourselves to a more empowered stance at midlife.

In essence, midlife is not the end, but a new beginning. It's time we start seeing midlife as an opportunity, the beginning of a second act, a time to follow our passions, build meaningful connections, and be as healthy and happy as possible.

It's time to embrace change, learn from experiences, and create a fulfilling next chapter of our lives.

James Davis is an award-winning, transformational coach specializing in midlife transitions with his wife Claire, one half of The Midlife Mentors.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

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