'I Married My Ex-wife's Best Friend'

I met my first wife in 1995 when we were both 15. I was in a band and she came to one of our gigs in Lancashire, England. She came up to me afterwards and said how much she loved it, and we got together from there.

It was a fun and exciting relationship. We had a lot of laughs, and she was funny. She was a free-spirit but she was also kind and very supportive of me pursuing a career in music.

We got married in 2003. But within five years, our relationship felt like it was in trouble. We weren't arguing, but there was a distance between us. It felt like we were just existing together. I was struggling with severe depression at the time, and I think she found that difficult to deal with as I wasn't talking about how I felt. The relationship dynamics changed and she started hanging around more with another man.

It was a really blurry transition. I didn't initially understand that we were breaking up because I'd only ever been in this one relationship. My ex started going out more with her new boyfriend and, around that time, in 2008, I started having feelings for my wife's best friend, Gina.

My feelings took me by surprise. We'd all been friends for years. Gina and my ex-wife went to school together, and I first met her when I was about 17. I thought she was cool, even then. In adult life, she used to come round our house after going out, and I'd make her a drink and let her crash on our couch. We were close friends.

Gina had been in a relationship and when she got out of it, she came out a lot stronger. She was just living life to the max, which I found inspiring. I loved seeing her having such a wonderful time. I saw a brightness in her eyes that I absolutely loved. I loved her. It was a deeper love than I had with my wife—which is weird, but that's how it was.

I don't know what brought about this change. It was just this absolutely unstoppable force. I reflected on our years that we'd spent together as friends. But what most drew me to her was her eyes. There was this beauty in her eyes that made me think: She is such a beautiful person and I'd like to spend my life with her.

I told my ex-wife that I had feelings for Gina. I was worried about how she would respond. She was surprised, and she was upset. I was upset. There was a lot of crying from everyone. But, ultimately, she said she was cool about it.

Then I told Gina I was in love with her. She was absolutely floored. She didn't know what was going on. She talked to my ex-wife first, and my ex told Gina that I had already spoken to her.

Gina and I started spending more time together—going out together, drinking. I never use the word "dates" because dating is not something that I was familiar with or that I understood. I've had two partners in 42 years!

Shortly after Gina and I started seeing each other, we sat down and had a chat with my ex and her new partner. We discussed the best way to do this and how to stay friends—because we'd all been friends for so long. I think that talk was massively important for clearing the air.

From then, the four of us would hang out together. In a way, it was very seamless. There was no gap between me being with my ex and me being with Gina. It was quite painless, to be honest. The most pain came from me realizing my relationship with my ex was ending. We had been together for 13 years and I found it difficult to understand that I had newfound feelings, and that my ex had feelings, for someone else. It was a challenge to accept.

My ex-wife moved out of our apartment to live with her boyfriend. It wasn't too long after that that Gina got pregnant and moved in. My ex-wife fell pregnant within a month of Gina. We helped each other through the pregnancies and stayed friends. There was an underlying difficulty, as I was aware things had changed so much, but we still made a go of it. We still made it work.

Our children were born in 2009. They played together for a couple of years. But in 2011, the four of us stopped being friends. It probably started when my ex and I finalized our divorce as money and property got involved, so it was tense. But I think the break-up was probably a natural thing to happen anyway. I don't know if it's fully sustainable to keep up a relationship like that. So we went our separate ways.

Gina and I got married in 2013. I just knew that I wanted us to spend the rest of our days together. My ex-wife wasn't at our wedding. We didn't think it was appropriate at the time. My friends and family knew Gina and they were surprised by our relationship, but they were happy nonetheless. Our wedding was a celebration. It was one of the best days of our lives.

Gina and I have now been together for 14 years. Our relationship is very rich in love, support and fun. It's very wholesome and I feel like we can achieve whatever we set out to achieve together, helping each other through our troubles. I think the main thing I enjoy about our relationship is that we are able to live our lives independently together.

Even though we are no longer friends with my ex-wife, the times we shared together were good and I'm grateful for them. I genuinely wish my ex-wife all the best. From what I've seen and heard, she is living a great life; she's happy and she has a little family. So I don't wish that anything were different. We have no regrets.

Jay Stansfield is a children's illustrator and author.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Katie Russell.