The Long-Distance Runner: Lonely, or Just Independent?

by Leslie Goldman

It's no surprise that sports can greatly benefit a child physically, psychologically, and socially. A 2008 Women's Sports Foundation Research Report concluded that children's athletic participation is associated with increased levels of family satisfaction, enhanced physical and emotional health, heightened academic achievement. and an overall better quality of life for children. And a study published in last month's American Journal of Preventive Medicine showed that kids who are active at age 5 wind up with less body fat at ages 8 and 11.

But one hotly debated discussion focuses on the kinds of sports kids should play, with parents erroneously thinking, "Lizzie is so quiet. We should enroll her in basketball and soccer and lacrosse to try to get her to open up." But increasingly, experts are suggesting the healthier instinct might be, "Lizzie is so quiet. Maybe we should see if she likes playing with a big team like softball or if she likes ballet or swimming, where she can work more on her own terms."

"Participation in any sport is going to provide kids with life skills—the ability to focus and concentrate, the ability to handle adversity and pressure in tough situations, the ability to stay composed when things aren't going just right," explains Orlando-based youth sports psychology expert Patrick Cohn Those lessons, whether learned in the rowdy atmosphere of a hockey rink or the quiet of a lap pool, will carry over into future, non-sports endeavors.

But while some children thrive on the thrill of competition and camaraderie, others are more likely to benefit from the autonomy of individual sports, and finding the right balance can be essential for your child's enjoyment.

Team sports certainly offer benefits not as easily obtained via individual activities, as players learn how to communicate and work with others, and there's the potential to develop leadership abilities. "The team captain or [players in] critical positions like quarterbacks are leaders who learn leadership skills and can rally the team," Cohn says, and these skills extend well beyond the playing field.

Team sports also help kids develop their social identity, notes Mark Reinecke, Ph.D., chief psychologist at the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. "Our sense of worth is developed through what we accomplish and a sense of belonging. There's a social aspect to team sports—the ability to collaborate and to feel positively about oneself because we're part of a larger group."

Individual sports offer distinct advantages, too, like fostering a child's sense of independence. "Here, you don't depend upon teammates," says Cohn. "You take full responsibility, whether you do well or perform poorly." Many of Cohn's young clients complain about pressure from teammates or coaches to make zero mistakes or carry more of the team than they may want to; these kids may enjoy a solo sport like tennis or gymnastics that helps them to develop motivation and structure their internal drive.

Individual activities steer kids away from comparing themselves to the best players on the team, a habit that does little to help confidence levels. Instead, it encourages them to more productively compare their skills to their own past performances. With individual sports like swimming or track, it's easier for the child to participate on his own, at his leisure, without having to round up a bunch of like-minded peers.

That said, both team and individual sports can also have drawbacks. "Some coaches have the philosophy that it's more about winning than playing time," Cohn says of ultracompetitive team sports. Kids are made to sit on the bench, cliques emerge. And differing levels of commitments within a team—one player just wants to run around and have a blast, but another is gunning for a college scholarship—may create tension.

And in individual sports, children may lose out on the sense of camaraderie inherent in a team environment, and are provided fewer opportunities to develop leadership skills.

There are no guarantees that shy kids will transform into social butterflies after a season in a softball league, nor does it mean that parents should encourage their children to stick with more-solitary sports out of fear they can't hack it in a more rambunctious setting. "I don't think you can predict what sports are the most beneficial for kids today," says Cohen. "You have to allow kids to try out different sports and see which ones they enjoy."

And what should you do if your child is better at reading Harry Potter than reading a defense? It depends on age. Younger kids typically haven't yet developed strong athletic abilities, so any type of movement, be it basketball or gymnastics, will help them improve their skills, both athletic and social. Older kids, who already have a sense of what, and who, they like might better benefit from individual sports and working on their skills independently, says Cohn.

It's not the sport itself but the structural factors (coaches' and parents' behavior, how practices are run) that are most critical to development, says Colleen Hacker, sports-psychology consultant to the Women's U.S. National Soccer Team. In other words, just because you sign up Junior for football doesn't mean he'll learn how to play well with others, especially if the coach is a screaming bully.

Above all, be sensitive to what your child wants."What parents think is encouragement, children often perceive as pressure," says Hacker. Try to understand what your child craves from sports. If she loves hanging out with friends, sign her up for a popular neighborhood team rather than shipping her off to an academy. And remember, children need not settle in one camp or the other. "A child can be on a neighborhood soccer team, in club gymnastics, and elite in volleyball," says Hacker. "One size doesn't fit all."

—Leslie Goldman is author of The Locker Room Diaries: The Naked Truth About Women, Body Image, and Re-Imagining the "Perfect" Body. (Decapo, 2006)