Man Inviting Himself To Ex's Family Funerals 20 Years After Divorce Blasted

A woman has stirred a debate online after revealing an ex-husband keeps going to her family's funerals, behaving like they're still married, as he feels entitled to because she left him.

In a post shared on Mumsnet under the username ItsnotaHenryMoore, the woman explained that she divorced her ex-husband almost 20 years ago. She has since remarried and has children with her new husband.

But because it was her choice to leave him, her ex-husband thinks he's still entitled to be part of her family. This makes her very uncomfortable, especially during family events, usually funerals, which he never misses, always sitting next to her like they're still an item.

Now that one of her cousins has died the woman is concerned that her ex-husband will turn up to the funeral, "making a day of it," expecting her family to "fuss around and look after him" because they are too polite to do otherwise.

A recent YouGov poll found that among all Americans, 37 percent say that if they ended the relationship, they'd like to stay friends with the ex they broke up with, and 29 percent say they wouldn't want to stay friends.

Slightly fewer people, 31 percent, say they would want to stay friends if the ex was the one who ended the relationship, and 34 percent say that they wouldn't.

The poster and her ex-husband have two children together, both in their late twenties. The woman believes they are the father's source of information regarding funeral arrangements.

She said: "My own [husband] won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My [ex-husband] will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable."

Dr. Kathryn Smerling, a psychotherapist that specializes in creating healthy and meaningful relationships, tells Newsweek that it's always better to anticipate what the problems may be before they happen.

She said: "To be able to speak to her ex-husband here is important, and it is better for her to have a private conversation with him before the funeral. If she needs the help of a therapist, she can always do this in a therapist's office.

"For having this conversation on her own, it is always good to start a conversation that may be conflictual by sticking to 'I' statements – 'I feel uncomfortable' or 'It makes me feel uncomfortable.' Talk from your heart."

According to Smerling, the poster in this case could suggest another option for him to pay respects and say that she would appreciate the chance to mourn her cousin without anticipating any discomfort.

"If he replies that the discomfort is her problem, she can say that her discomfort will be obvious to the rest of her family. She can communicate to her ex-husband that she does not want to make it impossible for him to grieve, but let's find a way to celebrate the cousin's life in a different way."

Most of the 239 comments in the thread slammed the man for intruding into his ex's private life.

One user, Fe345fleur commented: "It's a weird little power play and [You Are Not Being Unreasonable]. I think you should tell him in advance that you don't want him there. Tell other family members you have said this to him. Then you have at least made it very clear to everyone he's out of line if he turns up and sits in the same bloody pew as your family!"

And Sparkletastic wrote: "How very strange of him. At the very least he'd get a 'Why are YOU here?' from me if he turned up. I'd also pre-brief my parents about stopping the polite pandering in favor of ignoring him."

On the other hand, maddy68 added: "Why is that weird? He was part of the family and is there to show his respects at their funeral. It's perfectly normal for [exes] to attend"

Fraaahnces suggested: "Just tell your kids that it's not appropriate and ask them to tell him that he's embarrassing himself and that THEY would be happier if he didn't come."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.