Nobody likes feeling excluded—besides being a terrible feeling, it can also be detrimental to your mental health, especially for children, whose social development can be affected by it.
A mom has taken to Mumsnet to ask whether or not she was being unreasonable for wanting to text a school mom who ignored her four-year-old daughter at a birthday party, and users urged her to let it go, for her daughter's sake.
In the post, shared on the social media platform on Monday, under the username Happymom92, she explained that her sister took her daughter to the trampoline park while she was at work, and to their surprise, they found a group of children from her school celebrating a birthday by the cafe, which she hadn't been invited to.
As it was a public space, the children started playing together around the park, but when it came to food, the hosting mom turned her back to the girl, offering pizza only to the children and moms that she had actually invited.
On average Americans spend around $400 on a birthday party for their child, and they go even more overboard when it's an only child.
Soula Hareas, a licensed mental health counselor at McNulty Counselling and Wellness, told Newsweek that while all parents worry about their children's mental health, there are two main approaches to this issue.
There are those who feel like everyone should be included in parties and no child should be left to feel excluded, and those who believe children should have the right to invite whoever they want because it's their party.
According to Hareas, feeling like we belong is one of the biggest things for us as human beings, and feeling excluded can reinforce negative feelings of self-worth even as adults.
She said: "A four-year-old child is just behaving as a four-year-old child would. The adults in this situation are the ones who should have behaved differently. At a minimum, the parent of the birthday girl should have spoken to the sister to clear up any misunderstanding. Even if she were going to set a boundary and not allowed her to join the party, it could have been handled better. The other parents at the party could have asked the host of the party if she needed assistance and went to speak to the sister."
What the Sister Could Have Done
She believes that in this situation the sister also should have taken her away and distracted her with something else while explaining that this is the girl's party and that she would be having a birthday party too at another time.
"Parents know that distracting kids is one of the best techniques in certain situations. Explaining to a four-year-old may seem like the right thing and depending on the four-year-old, this may work or it may not. Reinforcing a boundary is good because it teaches a child how to have emotional intelligence so that would have been a good tactic for the sister as well.
"Speaking to the mom directly about the incident may not help. She knew that she didn't invite the little girl when planning the party and she may have given a negative response back. The desire to tell her 'we should all be nice' may backfire because the mom could reply with, 'we shouldn't crash parties we weren't invited to.'"
She added that if the mom was going to reach out it should be in a non-threatening manner, for example she could say that her daughter told her about the party and what her four-year-old did and that she hoped it wasn't a disruption to the party, and what she says back would give the mom of the four-year-old all the answers she needs.
"This is a common problem with moms of school-aged children. The cliques, the assumptions, the judgments about other moms and it is a shame that the children suffer. The mom of the four-year-old's approach to this issue may certainly affect her social life."
Most of the 366 users who left comments in the thread agreed the woman shouldn't text the other mom, as that would make things awkward for her daughter at school.
One user, sneezingpandamum, commented: "Sorry but your sister should have kept her away from the party group especially when food and cake [were] being served. It's pretty rude on your part to expect your daughter to have been included when she wasn't invited.
"Those parties are pretty expensive per head and maybe she only had enough food for those actually invited. If your child was such good friends with the birthday child she'd have been invited herself. I'd have been pretty annoyed if some whining crying tantrumming child was causing a fuss around the birthday group."
And pompomsandtinsel said: "Omg do not post anything on the WhatsApp group. They were mean but that's life. Do not message anyone anything. Just use this thread to let off steam."
Newsweek wasn't able to verify the details of the case.
If you have a similar dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
About the writer
Maria Azzurra Volpe is a Newsweek Lifestyle Reporter based in London. Her focus is reporting on lifestyle and trends-related stories, ... Read more
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