My Brother-in-Law Is a Narcissist—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, my partner and I are retired and we live a nice quiet life until the brother-in-law visits!

My partner is very passive and his brother (71-year-old) dominates him in a verbally abusive manner. He insists on staying in our small house each year for eight days and refuses to stay in a hotel, as this is his childhood home.

I was diagnosed with leukemia last year and said I couldn't be around him because of it and his response was that COVID-19 is mild now and refused to do a COVID-19 test.

He talks non-stop in an abusive manner. Underwear was thrown on our toothbrushes. He went to a reunion during his stay and laughed that no one wore masks. We insisted he take a COVID-19 test but he waited until his last day to do it.

On his final evening, he said he wasted so much money since our car can't go long distance, so he had to rent one for the reunion trip.

That night I blew up. I told him from now on he will stay in a hotel/rent a car and that our house is too small to socially distance. He said "oh right you don't even look sick."

Since he left, he sent an email saying he deserves an apology or my partner will never see him again.

We are going to therapy to learn how to deal with him, as my partner was crying and shaking, he couldn't stand up to his brother.

Any advice would be most helpful. Thank you.

Lisa from Connecticut

You Can't Force Empathy From a Person

Ramani Durvasula is a clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist and "Don't You Know Who I Am": How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. She has appeared with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith on the Red Table Talk show, as well as with Kendall Jenner on Vogue's YouTube channel.

Here's the challenge in this conundrum. You are trying to evoke empathy from a person who clearly has very little on the basis of your illness and your concerns about getting sick—it's not going to work because he doesn't care and you know this.

Stop talking about your illness, he doesn't care. The brother is clearly being passive aggressive and punitive about the house situation. Your partner needs some education on antagonistic personality styles and the harm they do and also to get into therapy to dig into his own fears, anxieties and the nature of his trauma bonded relationship with his brother.

You can't force feed empathy to someone who doesn't want to eat it or display it. A boundary can be set without it being a blowup—the brother simply cannot stay there and unless I missed something around the brother's "rights" to being on the property—simply refusing him entry may be the only path forward.

Calmly offer options. If your partner needs to have a friendship with his abusive brother, suggest that he stay in a hotel with him. Is this uncomfortable? Yes. But it sounds a hell of lot less uncomfortable than having his brother as a house guest. He is manipulative, arrogant, combative and very toxic. Your only other option is to get out of town every year during the brother's visit, but spending time with him is pointless.

Setting Boundaries Will Take You Very Far

Nicole Bigelow is a certified life coach with a speciality in narcissistic abuse recovery. She is the founder of the Healing the Wound Foundation, Inc.

First off, I want to say I am so sorry you are having to deal with everything that is on your plate. Not only are you dealing with a serious health issue that would be so difficult for anyone, but also dealing with a narcissistic family member, which can be extremely difficult. I completely understand how you feel and you have every right to be upset.

The one thing that will take you very far when dealing with narcissists is boundaries, which are kryptonite to narcissists and toxic people.

Research has proven time and time again that stress aggravates and complicates our health. Remember that it is never wrong to try and maintain your peace and mental health and in your case, your physical health. It is never wrong to set boundaries in order to keep you as safe as possible. It is never wrong to say no if you have to, or even if you just want to.

Narcissists know how to manipulate, twist your good nature to give them what they want, even if it is just to stir up some drama for fun. They will use you up and spit you out when there is nothing left to take. They will sacrifice your health and wellbeing for their pleasure if you let them. Don't. Stand up for yourself in a tactful yet firm way and put your foot down. You know what boundaries you need to make.

You do not have to feel guilty for sticking firm to those boundaries. Setting these boundaries is going to be huge for you. They are right, fair and anyone who really cared about you and your partner would not ask you to risk your own safety for them. You must insist when it is this important.

Also, if your partner's brother really loves your partner he would not ask, nor demand you to be displaced and abused while dealing with such a serious illness. I believe they could and should find a way to maintain their relationship without having to sacrifice you in the process. Not to mention he is abusive to his own brother while they visit.

This situation will not get better if you bend yourself to what he wants and apologize. He will not learn from this experience and suddenly appreciate and respect you.

He is who he is. You must accept this. YOU must change.

You deserve peace and I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Staying Away is Best Way Forward

Vanessa Reiser is a psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Florida specializing in narcissistic abuse.

Thank you for sharing that story and I am so sorry you went through that. Your experience with this person entering your home and crossing boundaries seems to be extremely upsetting to you and your partner and who could blame you?! They were rude, abusive, presumptuous, obnoxious and lacked empathy around your illness.

While these are all very upsetting behaviors, it's the lack of empathy for your leukemia that is the most alarming and may be indicative of a personality disorder.

I cannot diagnose this person, but I can tell you that lack of empathy is "Ground Zero" for someone with narcissistic personality disorder. That being said, the way to navigate someone with this disorder is to get away from them because they tend to be destructive and create chaos and pain wherever they go.

I like the idea of you finding a therapist to begin to understand what this toxicity has felt like for you and your partner and develop a plan to navigate this. But make sure they specialize in Cluster B personality disorders. It may be very helpful, not just for you, but mostly for your partner because it can be very hard to create distance between himself and his brother and he may need professional support to do so.

I hope this is helpful and wish you all of the best.

Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" gathers experts to advise a reader on an issue they're having in their personal life. If you have a WSID dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice and your story could be featured on Newsweek.