I Thought I Was Nonbinary. Now I Help Detransitioners

While growing up, I struggled with ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder). I was 6 years old when I got diagnosed. Many are finding that ADHD and autism are common with detransitioners.

As well as struggling with ADHD, in 6th grade, I found out that my best friend was raped by her brother. That's when things started to change for me. I started to present more masculine after that by wearing "boys" clothes and identifying with male anime characters. I was trying to hide my body—my breasts in particular—by wearing baggy clothing.

My dad was also trying to protect me, and he was scared about me growing up. He'd tell me how men his age talked about girls my age sexually, so I became very nervous. My generalized anxiety disorder started around that period of my life.

It wasn't until I got into college that I heard about the idea of being nonbinary. It really appealed to me because although I didn't want to be a man, I was having issues with being a woman. It was this in-between state that allowed me to be who I thought I was. It felt safer to me, but I still felt like a bit of a failure when it came to my femininity.

When I told my family that I was nonbinary, they were very supportive and I didn't have any pushback during the process of my surgery.

I'd had discomfort with my breasts for a long time. So, I asked my doctor about doing top surgery because, at that point, I'd done 20 years of traditional talk therapy, two rounds of transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy, and I didn't respond well to medications. I was really struggling. I wasn't able to work and I needed something, but nobody was able to help me. I thought I was nonbinary since 2016 at this point, and I had my surgery in 2020. So I had believed I was nonbinary for a few years.

I thought that removing my breasts or reducing the size of them would have helped me. After I talked to my doctor about it, he connected me with somebody through their medical system. Then, that person connected me with two mental health professionals, one of whom saw me for 50 minutes and the other for 40. These were both Zoom calls during COVID and I told them everything.

I also told them about my friend being raped in 6th grade, but the thing is, you can't question trauma being a reason why somebody thinks they're trans, because if you do, then you run the risk of being transphobic. So, that put me in a weird position because I was telling the doctors my trauma history, and one of them did mark trauma as a factor for my surgery.

Nobody showed me any research on the implications of doing the surgery. And the weird thing, too, about being nonbinary is what do you even transition to? There's no nonbinary sex to transition to.

Both doctors and the surgeon approved of the nonbinary top surgery. I don't think the surgeon had ever done a nonbinary top surgery before doing it on me. I thought it was odd because they were making changes the day of the surgery as the surgeon was marking me up. I felt like I was trying to escape something at the time, I was really struggling. But it would have been considered transphobic if the doctors questioned that.

Right after the surgery, I ended up developing a lot of health issues. I wasn't sleeping through the night. I started bruising easily. I had constant skin discoloration and heat rashes. When I spoke to my doctors about this, they put me on Sertraline, and I ended up developing a rash because I was allergic to it. The doctors didn't know what to do, so I was advised to keep taking it. It was horrible.

At that point, I felt like I needed to figure out how to get better. Since the Western conventional model wasn't helping me, I ended up seeing a naturopath. I started eating meat again, even though I didn't go full carnivore. I then saw practitioners who did body work and hyperbaric oxygen therapy. Those treatments really stabilized me. It's what I needed all along, not the surgery.

I felt a lot better because I came to terms with my trauma. I realized that believing I was nonbinary was a coping mechanism for me. When you believe you're something that you're not, you really hold on to that, and you keep holding on. That release was very cathartic because I was no longer lying to myself. I was just who I am.

In order to transition back to my original sex, I started dressing a little bit differently. It's a difficult situation for me because I can never get my breasts back, which has been hard. I don't think I can fit in a dress the same way again.

I don't hear people talking about the process of detransitioning too much, but I know that I can get implants or look into reconstruction surgery. Although I do have a boyfriend, it has impacted my dating pool in the past. After a few dates, somebody broke up with me because I told him that I was a detransitioner and no longer had my breasts. It emotionally impacts you.

I'm currently the president of Detrans Help. We connect people to find the resources and legal help they need. We are currently working on a self-advocacy program for detransitioners with doctors because I believe that a lot more people are going to detransition in the next few years.

It's difficult because Detrans Help wants to do case studies, but the reality is case studies require funding and resources and that's difficult to get a hold of. So that is our goal and that's something we're working towards.

But we also need to help detransitioners now, which is why we're starting a doctor self-advocacy program so that detransitioners know what to say and they understand the medical system.

I'm speaking out about this because I'll have to live with my body being mutilated for the rest of my life and I don't want this to happen to others. I want doctors to know that they need to look for underlying health issues and realize that there's no nonbinary biological sex to transition to.

Individuals who are looking to transition due to severe mental distress should not be transitioning. What I wish my doctors had done was look into my physical health first and checked for high inflammation in my body. I only found out that this was an issue after the surgery.

Had I addressed my physical health, I would have never gotten the surgery. I am now the most emotionally stable I've been in my entire life after addressing my physical health, it was what I needed all along.

Camille Kiefel is the president of Detrans Help, a nonprofit organization supporting detransitioners, as well as a consultant and advocate on detransition issues. She has filed a lawsuit against the medical professionals who performed her double mastectomy.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Newsweek's associate editor, Carine Harb.

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