The internet has dragged a man who got into an argument with his wife for accommodating a girl with special needs on their daughter's birthday and refusing to let them have a playdate.
In a post shared on Reddit on Monday titled, "AITA for wanting my daughters birthday party to be about her?" the man, posting under the username u/daughtersbdayparty, explained that when they organized their daughter's sixth birthday party, the school forced them to invite everyone in the class, including a girl who has special needs and is not close to her.
On the day of the party, the man was furious upon discovering that his wife had made all sorts of arrangements to accommodate the classmate.
He said: "Not only did we invite the kid, but my wife also called her mom and found out what toys she likes and made sure to have them at the party for her. She also put together a separate meal for the girl and set up our guest room for her and her mom in case she gets overwhelmed."
In the U.S., about one in six, or around 17 percent, of children aged 3 through 17 years have at least one or more developmental disabilities, which are a group of conditions due to an impairment in physical, learning, language, or behavior areas, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
The poster continued saying that there was no need to make this one little girl special and the "center of attention," on his daughter's birthday, with her own toys, her own food, and even a different costume. He said: "It was a princess party and everyone was a princess or prince except for the special needs kid, who was a unicorn."
After the party, he told his wife he didn't like the way she went above and beyond for the little girl, and she answered by saying that she was just trying to be inclusive. She also said set up a playdate for the girls, even though her husband doesn't like the idea.
"I told my wife I don't want her to force our daughter to spend time with this special girl just to make the special one the center of attention and she called me a d***. I'm currently sleeping in the guest room and she's setting up a playdate for the girls this week. Am I the a****** for wanting my daughter's events to be about her and not some random kid?"
Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the author of Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety, told Newsweek that there is a fine line between making reasonable accommodations that will allow a child the chance to enjoy a birthday party with her classmates, versus doing what psychologists call "infantilizing," or treating someone as if they are an infant whose every wish must be accommodated because they are unable to manage even minor frustrations such as not having their favorite toys available at all times.
She said: "Infantilizing a person is not only a strain on others around them, it is actually not good for the person being infantilized if they absorb the message that they are viewed as less capable than they actually are. Similarly, it can be helpful for their daughter to see that accommodating people with disabilities is part of a healthy society, but it could be harmful if the daughter absorbs that every whim of a disabled person must be immediately accommodated."
According to Carmichael, instead of rushing to argue with his wife, the man may want to learn more about why she went so far. "Was the other mother insisting these accommodations were necessary? Or did the wife just offer them under a misguided belief that 'more is always better?' Either way, the man would benefit by recognizing that his wife's desire was to create a wonderful party for their daughter, which is lovely," she said.
She added that it's possible the man might come to realize his wife actually helped make the party go smoothly and that giving the child her own toys/space actually helped with that goal. On the other hand, she said, the wife might benefit from learning self-talk she can say silently whenever she gets the urge to go overboard like, "inviting is kindness, over-accommodating is condescending" or boundary-setting language like.
The post, shared on the r/AmItheA****** subreddit, received over 5,200 upvotes and 2,000 comments so far.
In a comment with over 20,300 upvotes, one user, Terytha, wrote: "[You're The A******]. Not once did you mention your daughter's feelings or reactions in all of this. You don't actually care about putting her first, you just don't want to accommodate a special needs kid. You are literally grouchy because you have to be nice to a six-year-old. That is about as [a******] as you can get dude."
And StrangledInMoonlight added: "Also, the little girl wasn't made 'the center of attention.' Her needs were accommodated because she's human. Just like we give access to a bathroom for those with bladders, we accommodate those with special needs because they are human. And also, those accommodations would likely prevent a flare-up/meltdown that WOULD distract from daughter's birthday."
Newsweek reached out to u/daughtersbdayparty for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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Maria Azzurra Volpe is a Newsweek Lifestyle Reporter based in London. Her focus is reporting on lifestyle and trends-related stories, ... Read more
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