Psychologist Gives One Piece of Advice To Be 'Better' in Your Relationships

Knowing what to say to a loved one when they come to you with a problem can be tough but psychologist Rebecca Anderson (@navigate psychology) has a simple tip on how you can be a "better friend and partner."

In a video that has garnered 5 million views on TikTok, Anderson has shared how to build stronger relationships with one easy tip—responding to the emotion behind what someone is saying, rather than the content.

"One way to help people feel more understood is to focus on the emotion underneath the content of what they are saying," she told Newsweek. "For instance, if someone says 'I've got too much work on' you can either focus on the content ('why don't you say no to your boss then? Maybe you need a different job?') or the emotion ('that sounds exhausting and frustrating.')

"Most of the time people know what they need to do (e.g. how to solve their problems), they often just want their emotions to be acknowledged."

In the video, the psychologist, who is based in Sydney, Australia, used the example of a partner returning from work and complaining they have had the worst day and want to quit.

A response focusing on the content would be saying: "Well have you tried speaking to your boss?" or "that job pays really well, you shouldn't make any rash decisions" or "what kind of job would you like?"

An emotionally intuitive response would acknowledge the feeling of being drained in a work environment and would offer empathy.

Anderson advised this kind of response would be something like: "It's so tough when your boss micromanages you."

"I was originally taught this strategy when I trained as a telephone counselor and also as a clinical psychologist," Anderson said. "In my work as a clinical psychologist, I see that one of the most painful things we can go through is when we feel misunderstood."

She explained people often say they want advice but in reality, they want you to connect with and understand their underlying emotions.

The psychologist admitted that even she was guilty of occasionally missing the cues and trying to problem-solve but if you are having trouble getting to what your loved one needs, you can ask a simple question.

"It is also OK to not get it right all of the time, most people appreciate the effort of trying to understand them," she said. "It could be useful to ask 'would you like comfort or solutions?' Also, it's useful if we get better at identifying our own needs.

"For instance, if you don't want solutions, you could tell your partner 'I just need to vent about work for a few minutes.'"

Another way to identify emotional needs is through using an online emotional wheel, which provides a multitude of different feelings to aid in communicating a specific feeling.