What It's Like Dating as a Single Mom: 'I Perform Extensive Searches'

As a single mom, Danah has to take her 8-year-old son into consideration when she starts dating someone. Long before drinks or dinner, any potential partner is rigorously evaluated.

"I carefully vet their character, perform extensive searches on them and make sure they are open to the idea of entering a relationship with a woman that has a child."

She is not alone. More than 19 million children in the U.S. lived with a single mother or a single father in 2022, according to the Census Bureau. When those parents are looking for romance, they need to balance family life with date night, pinpoint the best time to introduce their sweetheart to their kids and consider what impact the new relationship could have on their child's wellbeing.

Newsweek asked two moms, Danah and Kim, plus three family therapy specialists for their tips on the single parent's search for love.

I Won't Let My Son Meet a Man I Date Casually

Danah, who lives in New York with her 8-year-old son, told Newsweek: "I am actively dating. As a single mother it's changed the way I date. I am more intentional when getting to know a potential partner."

As well as searching for any evidence that a date has a criminal past, the 34-year-old shields her son from the early stages of her getting to know a man.

He is excited to have a stepfather one day, however. "That's the furthest extent I talk to my son about dating," she said.

"It's so important to keep our children safe, which is why I will not allow my son to meet a man that I am casually dating. Until a man has made it clear he's ready to take the next step into having a committed relationship, I believe there's no need for him to meet my son."

I Don't Have Much Free Time. Dates Are Planned

Kim, 31, lives in Arizona with her 10-year-old daughter. Although she enjoys using dating apps, she's not seeing anyone at the moment.

She told Newsweek: "I have to be intentional about making time to go on dates, but guys don't seem to have a problem with [me having a child]. Online, I have that I am a mom in my bio.

"There have been challenges with guys that don't have kids not understanding that you don't have as much free time as them. Most dates have to be planned."

Kim is also keen to work on herself before settling down. Through therapy and self-care, she aims to be the best version of herself so she can build a healthy relationship with someone else, which will in turn protect her daughter's wellbeing.

"Do the internal work on yourself before hopping out there so that you're not bringing any negative experiences into dating," she said.

Is There a Right Way To Date as a Single Parent?

Savannah Cole is a licensed marriage and family therapist at Brightline, a virtual counseling organization that specializes in child and teenage mental health. She believes there is no one "correct" way to date as a single parent, but it is healthy to focus on individual well-being and safeguarding the children—just as Kim and Danah are doing.

"The most important thing to consider is the child's potential attachment to this new partner. Dating someone doesn't mean this individual is going to be in your life long term," she told Newsweek.

"If you decided to take your child on the first date and don't end up pursuing a relationship, it can lead to a lot of confusion within the child."

When Should You Introduce Your Child to a Date?

Cole added: "Something I've seen to be helpful is for the parent to go on a few dates prior to the introduction of your new partner to the child. This will help ensure whether this is a relationship worth pursuing and whether this is someone you'd want around your child."

Bringing your child on numerous first dates is not advisable. It may "create a sense of confusion around what a healthy relationship looks like, and they may struggle with building healthy attachments with other people," she said.

Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health at the University of Nevada Las Vegas, told Newsweek that getting children invested in your dating life could lead to them hearing adult conversations that they're unable to process in a healthy manner.

Hertlein, whose work focuses on couples and family therapy, said parents who want to introduce their children to new partners should "disclose that there is a particular kind of relationship between you both, after they have had many visits to your home."

She added: "Have a conversation with your child, but tailor that conversation to be age and developmentally appropriate."

Should Your Child Be Involved in Picking Your Dates?

While your child shouldn't be directly involved in your dating life, they must be prioritized.

Lisa Pion-Berlin, a clinical hypnotherapist and CEO of the group Parents Anonymous, advises mothers and fathers to have open and reassuring conversations with their children to gauge how they feel about past or present romantic interests.

"Ask your child what they want and need, really listen to them. Once you process that, you can then make an informed decision on next steps," she told Newsweek.

Children also need to learn why you're dating, in a way they can understand.

"You have needs as an adult and responsibilities as a parent. Creating an appropriate boundary is important, but so is explaining to your child that you're seeking a partner to make you fulfilled," Pion-Berlin added.

Single parents should only introduce their children to their new partner after discussing that prospect with the partner, she said. Teenage children should be told before their younger siblings, so they can support them through the adjustment period.

"Don't force closeness or acceptance. Your role is to normalize the fact that you want to date and that you may have a special partner to introduce your kids to," she added.

How Can a Parent's Dating Life Affect a Child?

Children may develop feelings of jealousy, insecurity or worry when their parent starts dating. The child's temperament, previous experiences and relationship with their other parent (if any) can all play a role.

If your child begins acting out after learning that you're dating, they could be finding the adjustment period challenging and struggling to express how they feel about the relationship, Cole said.

Parents hoping to tell their child about a new person in their life should prepare the child with transparency, she added. Picking a safe and neutral setting for this conversation is vital, as is ensuring that the child's feelings and opinions about your date are heard and validated.

Cole encourages parents to inform new partners of any family rules before the meeting and then observe the natural reaction between them.

In line with the experts' advice, Kim and Danah don't let dating get in the way of their parental responsibilities and have prioritized their own and their children's mental health. They are treading with caution to ensure they welcome the right person into their homes.

Danah said: "I'd advise single parents to be intentional, set clear boundaries and take safety measures by not revealing sensitive information. Don't feel like you have to rush a man into meeting your children."

If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.