The 3 Subtle Ways Someone Will Reveal They Are a Narcissist on a First Date

There's always a sense of trepidation around meeting someone new, especially if you've been hurt in the past. Still, countless people find themselves determined to chase the thrill of a new romance, even if they've already spotted a red flag.

Psychotherapist Alina Kastner has warned that this initial buzz can actually be the first sign that something is amiss.

Kastner, who specializes in treating abuse victims, recently shared a TikTok video that went viral, where she explained that the initial excitement often felt on first, second or even third dates, could indicate that your suitor may have some red flags—and that they could even be a narcissist.

Kastner opens the clip with the question: "How do you know if you've just been on a date with a narcissist?" It has been viewed more than 2.2 million times since it was first shared to TikTok on November 27.

In an interview with Newsweek, the Vienna, Austria-based expert expanded, telling people not to get carried away in initial dates and look out for specific warning signs.

"It's crucial to take the time to get to know someone gradually, this can help protect against falling into the manipulation or trap of a narcissistic individual," Kastner told Newsweek.

"Our society is built on wanting to believe in Hollywood love stories. We want to believe that we are the one lucky person who has found this 'love at first sight,' but we must establish healthy boundaries first," she continued.

With nearly 50,000 followers on her TikTok alone—@dr.alinakastner Kastner - the narcissistic abuse specialist is keen to spread the word on how these individuals can hide behind manipulation tactics in the early stages of a relationship.

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder is classified as a mental health condition. It typically presents itself in the teenage years or early adulthood. Narcissists are characterized as having an unreasonably and abnormally high sense of self-importance.

Indeed, narcissists tend to require plenty of attention and admiration from the people around them, which encourages them to constantly seek out new suitors or even lay out sophisticated traps for soft, hopeless romantics—their usual prey of choice—to fall in. Tactics in the narcissist playbook can range from love bombing to hoovering.

Due to their impaired sense of self, narcissists also often fail to consider the thoughts and feelings of other people. They notoriously struggle to empathize with others and can be abusive and hurtful in both platonic and romantic relationships.

Exes of narcissists often have a difficult time cutting ties, and it's not unheard of for escaped exes to be severely emotionally wounded as a result of their time with the individual in question.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around psychotherapy, or talk therapy.

Kastner, who has been a research associate at the Medical University of Vienna since 2019, believes that the emotional threat of untreated narcissists looms heavy. Here, she shares with Newsweek her top three red flags to look out for the on first dates.

Love Bombing

"If you know their tactics, there are several red flags to look out for which can help identify a narcissist on a date. But first, they may love bomb you," Kastner said.

The psychotherapist describes love bombing as being "an intense and rapid display of affection, flattery, and attention" that a narcissist may use to manipulate an individual into subordination to gain control over them.

"A narcissist may shower you with compliments, ideas of a future together and excessive attention on the first date. This can create a sense of euphoria and make you feel special, but it's often a manipulation tactic to quickly establish a strong emotional connection," she added.

She continues to stress that any new match should be interested in the person they're dating on a deep level, as opposed to a superficial one, and that this can be determined by whether they're asking questions or listening intently from the get-go.

"[They] should be making you feel calm, safe and settled. You should feel as though you've arrived at a very homely energy. If they're immediately making you feel like a million bucks, that's a red flag" she said.

Soulmate Talk

Kastner also warned that people who casually drop in on the first few dates that they feel you're their soulmate should be kept at a safe distance.

"Narcissists may claim that you are their soulmate or their perfect match very early, this usually happens on the first date," the psychotherapist, who is currently specialized in emotionally focused therapy, explained.

While this manipulation tactic may sound similar to love bombing, which is set in motion to make someone feel flattered or special in the same way that compliments work, soulmate chat is actually designed to make the victim feel an immediate deep connection to the narcissist.

This is particularly problematic, according to Kastner, because it can leave the victim feeling attached to the narcissist as they feel as though they cannot find such a close bond elsewhere.

"Yes, this tactic is designed to make you feel a deep connection, but it's often insincere. Narcissists are skilled at mirroring your desires and presenting themselves as exactly what you want in a partner, even if it's not genuine," she added.

Overwhelming Excitement

Lastly, Kastner shared that people should steer clear of the "swept away" feeling or overwhelming rush of excitement that can crop up on dates with narcissists or people with narcissist traits.

"Feeling super excited and on edge can be a result of the intense emotions and attention the narcissist is directing towards you. The narcissist aims to create an emotional rollercoaster, making you feel on top of the world one moment and uncertain the next. This fluctuation of emotions keeps you hooked and more likely to overlook potential red flags," Kastner said.

"They may also push for rapid emotional and physical intimacy because of this, to establish a 'deep connection' quickly to hook you in. It's not out of genuine love. It is to manipulate and control you."

"This can involve moving the relationship at a pace that is unusually fast, making it harder for you to take steps back and assess the situation objectively," she added.

The psychotherapist elaborated that in some extreme cases this can look like being asked to join them on a vacation even though you've only just started dating.

"They can be extremely persuasive and captivating, drawing people in with their confidence and charisma. However, this charm can mask their true intentions and manipulative nature to reel you in," Kastner explained.

The psychotherapist's social media content ranges from advice on how people can heal after exiting an abusive narcissistic relationship, or how people can spot if they themselves could be an attractive target to a narcissist.

Offline, Kastner tells her clients that it is important to "remain vigilant" when encountering someone who displays the above red flags. According to the psychotherapist, if something feels "too good to be true" or if the relationship progresses at an unusually fast pace, it's crucial to take the time to step back and evaluate the situation objectively.

"Zooming out to evaluate objectively is extremely hard, when you feel like you have just met the one," she said, before adding that it's a important step in protecting your personal peace and long-term happiness.

Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.