Does Mentionitis Mean Your Partner Is Cheating?

Whether it's their "work wife" or their gym buddy, it can be frustrating when your partner won't shut up about someone else. But these constant comments aren't just annoying—they're also linked to cheating.

Known as "mentionitis," it's a sign that someone new has caught their attention. Although it's normal to have crushes outside of a relationship, obsessively talking about another person can signal an affair—whether emotional or physical.

Should you be concerned if your partner has a case of mentionitis? Newsweek asked relationship experts to tell us more.

What Is Mentionitis?

Although it was first used in Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason way back in 1999, mentionitis has only recently become a "thing" in the dating world.

Added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2020, mentionitis is when a person won't stop talking about someone they're attracted to. This includes dropping their name randomly into conversation, or finding tenuous reasons to bring them up.

As the co-owner of New York City matchmaking agency Platinum Poire, Rori Sassoon has been pairing up elite singles for over 10 years. She's even offered dating advice to the Real Housewives of New York, and written two books on navigating relationships—The Art of the Date and The Art of Marriage.

She said it's common to get mentionitis when you're crushing on someone new.

"That person takes up a lot of real estate in your mind and you'll find yourself almost unable to stop yourself from bringing them up," she told Newsweek.

"You want to show them why this thing, this person, is so great."

Mentionitis might be sweet when someone is single, but when they're paired up, it can be a problem.

"[It's a red flag," Sasson said. "There's something there that has your partner captivated."

The 3 Types of Mentionitis

Moraya Seeger DeGeare is a licensed family and marriage therapist, as well as relationship care app Paired's in-house relationship expert. She sees three types of mentionitis regularly sees in her practice.

1. Constantly talking about how attractive someone is
2. Bringing up an ex-lover, who they compare you to—positively or negatively
3. The "Work Wife" or Husband, especially if they go to this person for life advice.

Mentioning someone they find sexy can be irritating, but there's a difference between commenting on a random celeb and gushing about someone in real life.

DeGeare said it's especially troubling if your partner compares you to this person or gets defensive when you call them out on it.

"As a therapist, I am less worried about the threat of cheating and more about why your partner is not being responsive to your discomfort," she said.

Comparing you to an ex can have a similar effect, even if their comments put you in a positive light.

"[I'd ask] 'Why are they mentioning their ex all the time'? Are there some unresolved issues?" she said.

When it comes to the work wife or husband, the connection doesn't have to be romantic to cause damage. Always turning to a close friend or colleague for life advice can make a partner feel less important, especially if they seem to value the outsider's opinion more.

"When it seems like that person somehow has more influence over a person's life choices than their actual partner, it can be corrosive," DeGeare said.

Signs Your Partner Is Interested in Someone Else

It's common to develop a crush on someone other than your spouse, with a 2015 study finding that 36 percent of Americans had developed feelings for another person while in a monogamous relationship.

However, attitudes toward crushes and infidelity vary. For example, a poll conducted by Redfield & Wilton Strategies on behalf of Newsweek found that men are more accepting of workplace crushes than women.

In the poll of 1,500 U.S. adults, 38 percent of male participants said feelings for a co-worker were acceptable, compared to 32 percent of female respondents.

What constitutes infidelity is also generational. In Newsweek's exclusive research, it was discovered that Generation Z (aged 18 to 24) has a very different idea about what counts as cheating. 43 percent of Gen-Z adults believe an emotional affair isn't cheating, as long as there is no physical relationship.

In comparison, 55 percent of 25 to 34-year-olds classed an emotional affair as cheating, with older generations producing similar results.

Although it doesn't involve sex, an emotional affair is defined as a deep emotional connection, equal to or greater than the one they share with their spouse.

Signs include hiding messages from this person, or spending an excessive amount of time talking or hanging out with them alone. Your partner may go to this person first when they receive good or bad news, or rely on them for emotional support instead of you.

According to DeGeare, mentionitis is a sign your partner's needs are not being met and they believe this person can fill the void.

"The impact on the relationship deeply depends on how secure the relationship is feeling," she told Newsweek.

"What can happen is the other partner is now making up an entire story in their head about what their partner really wants and needs, and it is often not them."

Is It A Friendship or An Emotional Affair?

As anyone who has ever had a "friend crush" (a non-sexual crush on someone you just really want to hang out with) will tell you, relationships aren't always so easily defined.

So, how can you tell if your partner is romantically interested in someone, or just having fun with their new friend? Sassoon recommends "trusting your intuition."

"If the way they speak about that person isn't the way they speak about their other friends, then there's something there to investigate," she said.

DeGeare said in some cases, it's about what the person represents rather than an underlying relationship issue. For example, have they finally found someone that shares a niche interest or to go to gigs with?

"It might not be the person, but the shared interest that is so attractive," she said.

Can Mentionitis Lead to Sex?

Talking about someone all the time doesn't automatically mean your partner is sleeping with them. Nevertheless, if there are other clues—such as making more of an effort with their appearance or lying about their location—mentionitis is a warning sign.

"If the intimacy in your relationship has been diminishing [generally], that's a big indication that something's not right," Sassoon said.

While wanting sex less frequently can mean they're getting it elsewhere, Sassoon said physical cheating is often coupled with a general drop in interest.

"If they're not prioritizing you and the relationship, they're prioritizing something, or someone, else," she said.

Should You Confront Your Partner Over Mentionitis?

If you're worried that your partner has feelings for someone else, it's important to talk about it. However, DeGeare said address to the topic in a calm manner, without getting defensive or jumping straight to cheating accusations.

She suggests delving into why this person is constantly coming up in conversation. Are they comparing you to their ex due to lingering feelings, or in a misguided attempt to make you jealous? Is their interest in that colleague personal or professional?

"We spend a lot of time in relationships trying to figure out what our partners are thinking or feeling or about to do," she said.

"Figuring out the root is a part of communication and evolving together as a couple."

If you still suspect your partner of having an affair, DeGeare advises against hunting for evidence. Instead, she recommends asking yourself why you don't trust your partner and reflecting on your relationship as a whole. Can the trust be rebuilt?

"Have an honest conversation [with your partner] on what is not working and what is," DeGeare said.

"It could be time to address why you are staying in a relationship that feels like it has no trust and safety."

Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

Correction 17/04/23 04.32a.m. E.T.: This article was updated to change the description of Paired. It was originally described as a "dating app," rather than a "relationship care" app.