Why the Forgotten Sandwich Generation Are Surviving but 'Not Really Living'

The responsibility of raising children is a big one, made harder when also trying to juggle a career. Add to that the task of caring for an older parent, and we are describing the life of a member of the "sandwich generation," dealing with all these responsibilities at the same time.

About a quarter of U.S. adults (23 percent) have a parent aged 65 or older and are either raising at least one child younger than 18, or providing financial support to an adult child, according to research by the Pew Research Center from October 2021.

With people living longer and more adult children living at their parents' homes post-graduation than before, trends suggest that the number of middle-aged people "sandwiched" in between, carrying responsibility for both younger and older family members, will also increase.

Mom-of-five Kim Reynolds describes a day where she was caught performing that sandwich generation juggling act. The 57-year-old, from Michigan, told Newsweek: "I remember when my kids were smaller and I was already looking after my mom. We had to rush her to the Emergency Room and my husband was out of town so all my kids had to come with me. I had to give the security guard money to order them pizza and leave them. That was one of the worst days, I felt so guilty that my kids were eating in the ER, but I couldn't leave because my mom was there."

What Is the Sandwich Generation?

The "sandwich generation" consists of people sandwiched between two sets of opposite aged dependents, often neglecting their own needs to look after their families.

The Census Bureau predicts that the life expectancy of the average American will have increased to 85.6 years by 2060, up from 79.7 in 2017.

The Census Bureau also reports that in 2018, 24 percent of young adults were financially independent by age 22 or younger, compared with 32 percent in 1980. Both these trends suggest that the amount of middle-aged adults with living parents and children that are "sandwiched" will also increase.

'I've Been Looking After My Mom for 22 years, as Well as My Five Children'

Reynolds has been looking after her mother, now 76, since 2001, as well as her five children, now aged 21, 25, 26, 28, and 30.

In a viral TikTok video Reynolds posted about being part of the "sandwich generation," she describes waking at 6 a.m. to a text from her child at college saying, "How do you get blood, I mean a lot of blood out of clothes." She then gets a call from her mother saying, "I'm going to need you to get over here right now, my neighbor has died and I need you to find out what happened," simply because, Reynolds says, "she needs some gossip for the beauty salon this weekend."

Until recently, Reynolds was also looking after her mother-in-law before she passed away.

Reynolds describes being part of the "sandwich generation" as being less like a delicious cold cut snack and more "like being put on a hot griddle. Flipping from kids to parents and back all day every day, you just burn out from caregiving."

As well as being a caregiver in her free time, Reynolds also dedicates her work to looking after others as director of resident health services at an independent living, assisted living and memory care community, as well as a dementia practitioner trainer.

Having an ageing parent while still raising or supporting children presents certain stresses not experienced by other adults, namely caregiving and financial and emotional support to name a few. A survey from the Pew Research Center found that among people with a parent aged 65 or older and a dependent child, 31 percent say always feel rushed, or out of time.

'In My Culture, It Is Seen as Our Duty to Care for Our Elderly Family Members, and Our Children'

Shabnam Jessa, 52, is a stay-at-home mom and wellness coach based in Vancouver, Canada, and another member of the "sandwich generation".

"In my culture," she tells Newsweek, "I'm south Asian, it's seen as our duty and privilege to look after our elderly family members. Yet, if we attempt to discuss the obvious challenges of being stretched too thin in all aspects of our lives, it is seen as complaining or ungratefulness."

Jessa has two children, and until recently was also in charge of looking after four adults in their 80s—both her parents, and her husband's parents.

"Juggling being a mom to two kids, as well as my parents is a challenge. Until recently I also looked after my husband's parents but they have now passed away. There are financial burdens and you constantly feel you're pressed for time especially as my parents live an hour away. There is always the feeling that there aren't enough hours in the day to get done what needs to be done. It is difficult as well if the parents have health challenges such as dementia, Alzheimer's, or have mobility issues."

Caring for a Parent as Well as Your Children Can Lead to Resentment

A feeling shared by many members of the "sandwich generation" is that the time they are spending looking after their adult children and their parents was supposed to be "their time".

"A lot of women and men are just surviving and getting by, not really living," says Reynolds. "I thought when my kids were older it was supposed to be my time to travel, try new things, but then just as your kids get old enough to not completely depend on you, your parents need you, and I love my mom so there's no alternative."

One of the biggest challenges of being a caregiver to both parents and children is making sure that both parties feel supported, as well as taking time for a little self-care, a tough balancing act.

Mental Health America reports that roughly a third of sandwiched care givers report high levels of emotional stress and a fifth report high levels of financial and emotional strain.

"Often the only time we have to ourselves is at the very end of the day, and by that time you're too exhausted to work out or see friends," says Jessa. "I think the stress of the situation coupled with the lack of time to do things for ourselves can affect us physically and mentally. The stress hormone cortisol increases and adrenaline kicks in and levels of anxiety can increase."

The financial strain of being in the "sandwich generation" is also often overlooked by society. "My mom lives in assisted living with medical care and meals but she does not have the funds to cover that," explains Reynolds. "I supplement those funds because she deserves to live in a place that is comfortable and safe. It's a sacrifice for our family financially but it's obviously worth it."

Approximately 72 percent of the members of the "sandwich generation" surveyed by the Pew Research Center said they are providing financial support to their parents, eating in to retirement funds.

"You have to see it from your parents' point of view," notes Reynolds. "There's nothing my mom likes more than to give me a project and it might be something as simple than getting batteries, but for her that's all she's been thinking about all day and in her mind that should be my number one priority. It does cause some tension because sometimes I have to say, "Mom, I just can't do that today."

How Does the Sandwich Generation Cope?

Despite these difficulties, the majority of sandwich caregivers feel as though the sacrifices to their own lives are necessary to care for loved ones. "You don't get a choice," says Reynolds. "That's the thing about the 'sandwich generation'—it just happens to you. You want to do the right thing and look after your parents because they have been there for you your whole life. But that's not to say there aren't times when I sit in my car and cry because I have no more to give and no more hours in the day."

Despite the challenges, both Jessa and Reynolds see the positives in spending so much time with their parents. "In south Asian culture we believe in karma, that doing good things is good for the soul. I also think it's important that my children see what caring for someone looks like, especially when they are so used to being looked after," Jessa said.

Humor is an important coping mechanism for Reynolds—she even won a comedy competition with her material about the "sandwich generation." "You have to laugh," she says, "even if it's hard you have to find the funny. My mother is very Southern, and she can come out with some hilarious one liners, for example when she told a pharmacist, "she's not going to make meth, she doesn't even make dinner!".

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