Husband Not Doing Share of Child Care During World Cup Backed

A post from a wife expressing frustration that her husband does not help with childcare when the World Cup soccer games are on has gone viral on Mumsnet.

In a post shared on the U.K.-based forum, user Sheilazwheelz questioned whether it is unreasonable for her "to expect DH [dear husband] to help" look after their two kids, who are 5 and 2, while "the World Cup is on."

While women make up nearly half of the U.S. workforce, on average, females in the country dedicate more time to housework and child care and fewer hours to paid work, the Pew Research Center reported in October 2015.

According to a March 2013 survey by the center, despite there being more working mothers in the U.S. than before, "American mothers still spend about twice as much time with their children as fathers do."

A December 2002 study in the peer-reviewed Journal of Family Psychology stated: "Past research has revealed that women, working or not, perform more family labor (i.e housework and child care) than do men."

The Mumsnet user asked: "Should I expect him to help me put the kids to bed whilst the footie [football/soccer] is on? He seems to think he is exempt now."

In a later update, the poster wrote that her husband watches every game, and not just the team he supports.

The user explained: "I did bath time, made tea [dinner] etc. don't know why he felt the need to watch it from 6pm," adding, "I always make sure I am available, I suppose that is the problem."

It's Not About Being Right or Wrong

Ruth E. Freeman, a licensed clinical social-worker who is the founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, told Newsweek: "One of the biggest barriers to resolving disagreements in relationships is our tendency to be 'right' and make the other person 'wrong,'" which isn't useful and definitely won't help bring about solutions.

Freeman said: "In reality, each of us wants to be understood by our partners, to feel 'seen' by them. In this case, dad clearly loves the games and mom doesn't want to feel abandoned."

Life coach and author Marni Goldman told Newsweek: "The World Cup happens only every four years. It makes complete sense why he wanted to watch any time he was able to. You don't know why he needed to watch at 6 p.m.? That's the time they were on!"

However, "we forget other people are not mind readers." "The husband assumed his wife would be fine with it, since it was a unique sporting event, while she presumed he would help out with childcare, because he's the father. That's what he's supposed to do," Goldman said.

Communicate Your Point of View

Freeman said the situation in the Mumsnet post would have worked better if the couple heard each other's point of view, "including the emotions they are experiencing and their wishes about it all."

The father could have talked about what those games mean to him and how he feels when he gets to watch them without interruption, while the mom can express her feeling of "being taken advantage of and how it feels to be responsible for all the parenting without his support."

When both can talk about what they want from the other person without any shame or blame, "now we have something we can work on," Freeman said.

Goldman agreed, noting "communication is the key," adding "couples need to communicate, overcommunicate if you have to. Listen to each other wanting to understand, not to just respond."

Could This Conflict Have Been Avoided?

Goldman said, had there been "proper communication" between the couple, the husband could've expressed how important these games are to him and asked whether the wife would mind giving him the "night off" to enjoy the rare event.

The life coach said: "This is where you sprinkle in the compromise. When something's important to your spouse, it most likely becomes important to you too."

Freeman asked whether there could be a way for the dad to see the whole tournament or at least an agreed-upon portion of it without interruption but take over some of the mom's responsibilities at another time to show his appreciation? Or could they agree on his parenting role during the games to minimize interruptions?

"Ideally, they both go into this negotiation with a sincere wish to understand their partner and want them to have their wishes fulfilled, while at the same time expressing their own needs and preferences without looking for rights and wrongs," Freeman said.

'Let Him Enjoy the Game'

Several users on Mumsnet sided with the husband, such as NewIdeasToday who wrote: "An England game in the World Cup is a special event if you're a football supporter. I'd let him enjoy the game and put the kids to bed myself."

User girlmom21 wrote: "YABU [you are being unreasonable]. You can do bedtime with a 2 and 5 year old if you're not interested in the football. If you are, either of you could have done the 2 year olds bedtime before kick off and the 5 year old at half time..."

Some were more understanding of the original poster's position.

User isthewashingdryyet posted: "You shouldn't expect him to help you, you should expect him to do his fair share. what is it with DHs who 'help'."

FurAndFeathers wrote: "Don't you mean 'should you expect him to parent his own children'? helping implies the responsibility is yours by default. Why should it be? ask him when you get to opt out of parenting?"

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of this case.