Woman Urged to Divorce Husband Over What She Heard on Secret Recording

A distraught woman is being urged to end her marriage after discovering the truth about her husband of 29 years.

Writing in a post shared to Mumsnet by Hopelessromantic, the woman, 50, described how she found out her husband had been carrying on an affair. This wasn't even the first time he had cheated.

While she forgave him then, the circumstances around his latest deception mean there is no way back. The woman discovered his affair after planting a recording device in his car. It then picked up the sound of him having sex with his mistress.

According to Pew Research Center data published in 2017, "gray divorce" is on the rise. The divorce rate among U.S. adults aged 50-plus has nearly doubled since the 1990s. As of 2015, roughly 10 in every 1,000 persons aged 50 and older in the U.S. divorced. This was up from the figure of 5 in every 1,000 recorded in 1990.

Yet, while the woman is likely to find a society more accepting of the idea of couples divorcing in later life, it's the circumstances behind his betrayal that appear to be a source of some considerable pain.

"He doesn't know that I know about this yet as I'm not sure how to confront him. I want him to leave the house as I'm never ever taking him back," she wrote. "I feel such a fool for believing him the first time and now I can see only a lonely life ahead of me."

The woman appears disillusioned at the idea of starting again, having been with her husband since she was 17.

'I Stupidly Thought I Could Change Him'

Writing in the Mumsnet post, the woman explained how, three years ago, she discovered her husband had been having an affair. The tryst had been going on for four years. Despite the depth of his deceit, she took him back.

"I stupidly thought I could change him and that he would be forever grateful to me for giving him a chance," the woman wrote. Despite reconciling, however, she still felt she "couldn't trust him."

That overriding sense of paranoia was proven correct. Just before Christmas, she found a message on his Facebook account from a woman "asking him over to her house for sex" and a reply from him saying he "can't wait."

Though she struggled to believe his claim he was "only fooling," the woman let it slide and focused on having a good Christmas with the kids they have together.

Even then, she noticed he continued to be on his phone all the time. When asked about it, he got "defensive." Having reached the end of her tether, the woman decided drastic action was required.

"I knew he would never be honest," she wrote. "So I put a voice recorder under the seat of his car, and low and behold there I heard the whole SEX session."

Since hearing the tape, the woman wrote that it has felt like a "switch has gone off" in her head, and she now wants out. "I feel I wasted all my good years with a man who thought very little of me while I was very much in love with him," she added. "How could I have been so blind?"

'A Very Common Trap'

Dr. Carole Lieberman is a board-certified Beverly Hills forensic psychiatrist and co-author of Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them and When to Leave Them.

Reflecting on the dilemma detailed in the Mumsnet post, Lieberman told Newsweek that the woman had fallen into "a very common trap."

"When some women get married, they feel they can stop trying so hard to remain beautiful and sexy and intriguing to their husband because they've hooked him," Lieberman said. "But there's an old saying that still rings true: Women marry men, hoping to change them; and men marry women, hoping they'll never change."

Lieberman added that the problem may have originated from her husband being "starved of sex" from his wife. "It doesn't seem like he's madly in love with the women he's having affairs with or he would've asked his wife for a divorce already," Lieberman said. "But he wants to keep feeling desirable."

The relationship expert added that this kind of problem is common among couples who marry at a young age. "The man feels like he's missed out on experiencing what it's like to be with different women," she said.

Lieberman added that this might have become apparent had the couple attended therapy together after the husband's first affair.

'Look After Yourself'

Although the woman may be fearful about starting again, Lieberman said she had every reason to feel confident about bouncing back, provided she takes time to focus on herself. "She needs to make herself feel beautiful, sexy and fun again," the expert added.

That sentiment was largely echoed on social media, with many urging the woman to push forward with plans for a divorce.

"You are worth more than this, he's lucky that he got a second and a third chance," one Mumsnet user wrote, with another commenting: "It's hard to leave, but not as hard as living like you are."

A third, meanwhile, posted: "I know you have been with him a long time so won't be easy but just keep going and look after yourself."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.

Has infidelity broken your trust in your partner? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.