Internet Sides With Why Man Issued Wife Ultimatum, or They Get a Divorce

A Reddit user's earnest post asking for relationship advice has gone viral, prompting discussion on the complexities of "people-pleasing" and its impact on relationships.

The post, written by u/throwra-2016 and titled "Stop people pleasing or we're getting a divorce. How do I even respond?", details an encounter with her husband, who suddenly lashed out at her for being what he describes as a "doormat" for others. The user, who admitted in the post to having "people-pleasing issues," said her husband threatened to leave if she didn't change.

The original poster, a pediatric oncology nurse, wrote that her job is emotionally and physically taxing, leaving her often stressed. She said she confides in her husband about her challenges, but his recent outburst caught her off guard.

"I was laying in bed doing like absolutely nothing. My husband comes into the room, so stressed and angry looking, and snaps at me," she wrote. "My husband has never yelled at me like that before, blatantly rude and cursing at me."

Responses poured in, with many empathizing with the OP and trying to explain what might have happened.

One user, u/Accomplished_Bad_879, shared about a loved one who is a people-pleaser and how it can make her feel "deprioritized" by her friend.

"I have a best friend who is a people pleaser and I noticed she hates letting down anyone except for the people closest to her. She's comfortable disappointing/saying no to her dearest loved ones but not her acquaintances or co-workers," u/Accomplished_Bad_879 wrote. "As a loved one, it can make it feel like you are deprioritized in their life and then you also have to watch people walk all over them to boot."

'Is Being Too Nice Really so Bad?'

Some users pointed the importance of seeking therapy to address underlying issues and communicate effectively within the marriage.

Audrey Schoen, licensed marriage and family therapist, told Newsweek that people-pleasing behaviors are often rooted in childhood experiences and sometimes reinforced by gender roles and expectations.

"We learn to put the needs of others before ourselves or risk disconnection, or worse, punishment. The reality is people pleasing was a useful adaptation in their childhood and was likely needed to keep them emotionally safe growing up," she said.

"Women in particular are culturally conditioned to attend to and prioritize the needs of others, often openly praised for being so 'nice and caring'...The thought of changing feels terrifying, so they might say things like 'I've always been like this, is being too nice really so bad?'" she said.

It's clear that in the OP's marriage—and in many cases—there is indeed such a thing as being "too nice." Schoen spoke to the impact that the OP's behavior might have on her husband, revealing commenters' theories that he feels de-prioritized to have some merit.

"People-pleasing often makes other feel really cared for at the start of relationships. The husband likely really loved how caring and attentive she was at the start of their relationship," she said. "But as time went on and her nervous system began to trust that he wouldn't leave, he became less and less of a priority."

"People-pleasing can result in crossing boundaries in the marriage. The people-pleaser will invest their time, money, and resources into keeping others happy, picking up extra shifts at work, taking on duties that aren't theirs, putting their friends needs above their spouses."

As the Reddit discussion continued to unfold, it highlighted the importance of open dialogue and self-reflection in navigating the challenges of marriage.

Schoen said she is not often a fan of ultimatums—early, respectful communication is much better—but that this husband is "burning out" watching his wife live this way.

"People have their limits," she said.