My Mother-in-Law Wants To Babysit All the Time–What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek,

My husband's mother acts like you don't exist. It only really happens when I don't ask for her opinion or you go against her.

We raised our children with our own values. We didn't listen to my mother-in-law. Sadly, she became clingy to our babies, and she now wants to babysit most weekends.

We informed her that we do not need her on weekends. We only need her one night a week.

She criticized me for being an overbearing daughter-in-law and for causing her son to hate his mom. I was so surprised!

A switch flipped her in denial of inappropriate behavior. She targeted my parenting style, and started judging and ridiculing my husband for whom he married.

I know that they say keep your enemies closer. Treat others as you want them to treat you. I know all the quotes we gave her to resolve her disappointments. But I want everyone to know my experience in this 23-year marriage. We have stayed as a unit. Unbreakable. With all mother-in-law's disapproval clouding over us.

We are a very strong couple. We are trying to manage her shenanigans.

Lori, Houston

'Try To Set Boundaries'

Ryan Kopyar is an emotional intelligence and vulnerability coach. He's also an author and a licensed mental health counselor associate. Kopyar divides his time between Washington and Oregon.

Setting boundaries is ultimately about self-love and love for our family, determining what we and our spouse will or will not accept as individuals and within the family unit. We can't control others' actions, so boundaries shouldn't be about telling in-laws what not to do, but rather about defining what we and our spouse and family will or will not accept in terms of treatment.

For instance, an unhealthy or unrealistic boundary might be saying, "We don't want you to keep asking about babysitting our kids." A healthier approach would be expressing appreciation for their willingness to help and specifying the level of involvement accepted, such as, "We appreciate your desire to contribute by babysitting. We're open to having you help one weekend a month."

They may overcompensate by seeking a parenting role with grandchildren. In such cases, addressing the issue with what's known as an "ice cream sandwich" approach can be effective. Acknowledging their importance and contributions while setting clear boundaries on how they can support the family moving forward.

Using this approach can validate the in-law's feelings while also clearly defining boundaries and expectations within the family unit.

'Decide How Much You Want Her Involved'

Hong Yin has been a practicing psychiatrist in Milwaukee since 2012. She's also the medical director at New Frontiers Psychiatric & TMS, a mental health center in Wisconsin.

It sounds like there is a lot going on here!

There seem to be emotions running at a high amongst all parties, and it is understandable especially when topics such as marriage and children are involved. But you are correct, this is your marriage and your family.

An important focus would be for you and your husband to identify how you both sincerely feel about the marriage, and the family, and what goals can be agreed upon, independent of the opinions of the extended family.

My guess is that you both want to have a healthy thriving marriage that you both feel good about. In that sense, it would be beneficial to discuss what that would look like for the two of you and what you both would like of each other.

It makes sense for it to be up to the parents and not the grandmother to make decisions about child care, even if your mother-in-law wants to spend more time watching the grandkids.

At the same time, in addition to discussing what a happy and healthy marriage would look like, it also may not be a bad idea to have a discussion of what relationship this family would like with their grandmother. At the end of the day, she is a part of the family, although the extended family.

This will be a very delicate dance of maintaining some semblance of a palatable relationship with grandmother, whatever that may look like. She, at the end of the day, may opt to still disagree with how the family is run and that is ok because, at the end of the day, it is your family and not hers.

But in situations like this, couples often benefit from discussing specifics such as how much they want to be involved with a given extended family member, what that may look like, and what is salvageable that will still remain palatable. For example, this can involve brief and infrequent visits such as around the holidays. Or if things go well, it can be more often.

Other areas of discussion can include where meetings happen. Homes can feel territorial in certain settings while public settings for most feel more neutral. The discussions can further specify what activities (e.g. meal times, outings, what is open for conversation and what is not, etc.) would be the best fit and most comfortable for all parties.

Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.