I Left My Wife After 28 Years Of Cheating Accusations—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My wife has accused me of cheating on her since before we married 28 years ago. There have been confrontations, accusations and even stalking a woman to see if I drove by her house. I hate confrontation. I always gave her evidence, and receipts, if I was out buying groceries or hardware usually since all I did, was cook, clean and take care of the kids, and remodel our house.

At work, she could call there and get me on the phone, she always apologized after and admitted it was all in her head as all of her prior boyfriends had cheated.

It got to the point I would avoid hanging out with friends because she would ask "who were you with.... was there anyone else?" (and if there was anyone else I would leave soon, knowing I'd be grilled about it). I basically became very isolated.

She would always ask, "Why can't you just be friends with my girlfriend's husband?", And if I did visit a married friend and stay at their home with kids, she demanded to come too. There went that friendship. She had passwords to my phone and email since it kept her from worrying (I hoped).

Well, she's on the couch with me and I texted the yard guy to be at the house at 8, and I hear "who is Jennifer?" I'm immediately on alert. I give her my phone (I can see the text from 30 seconds ago) and she carries on and on about all the affairs I had.

I finally said "I'm tired of this, you need some counseling," I found a psychologist who told me that I have "been in a controlling relationship and am suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)".

My wife said she would read a self-help book. Did I mention that she informed me she suffered horrible migraines before we got married? Did I mention she had "sore private areas" and chronic fatigue (at least it seemed) I saw the sores and said you have Herpes simplex virus (I'm a medical professional).

Anyway, 28 years of worrying about accusations, no sex life, raising kids, cooking and cleaning, and remodeling the home. I called it quits and left.

She's still in our house, I pay her insurance and car repairs, home repairs, and taxes and she's a doctor making a lot more than I do.

Anonymous, Florida

Make Sure This Does Not Turn Into Financial Abuse

Newsweek spoke to Sally Baker, an award-winning senior therapist and author of The Getting of Resilience from the Inside Out.

Dear Reader,

I am sorry to hear you endured such a manipulative and controlling partner. It is understandable to see how someone who acknowledges they hate confrontation would have chosen to be compliant, even with the increasingly unreasonable demands of your wife. These constant infringements of your liberty might sound surprising when recounted today and when you look back on them and how the past 28 years have played out for you. Of course, the restrictions and rules you have lived by happened incrementally over many years of you trying the best you could to reassure your wife and her extreme anxiety. Small concessions can feel harmless, like having your wife call you at work, but can become entrenched and unwelcome when it's effectively a way to police your whereabouts.

Unfortunately, your wife's fear of her history of betrayal from previous partners repeating itself with you meant she needed constant evidence that you were loyal to her. The accumulative pressure to prove to her that she can trust you has ultimately destroyed your relationship. Ideally, your wife would have recognized the role her past trauma actively played in her marriage and she would have chosen of her own volition to work through her past experiences. Unfortunately, this was not in her thoughts.

Her behavior has contributed to you becoming more isolated and her constant doubting and quizzing of you have left you hyper-vigilant which is a key indicator of PTSD. Coercive control also has a detrimental impact on self-respect and the belief that you deserve to be treated better.

Going forward, it could be beneficial for you to undertake some therapy focused on strengthening your boundaries and your ability to recognize the part you played in the ending of your marriage vs. what is your wife's responsibility. It is not really about identifying the "bad" person here. It is however about finding compassion for yourself and the difficult circumstances you have experienced.

Currently, it also sounds unfair that you are shouldering more of the financial burden than your wife now that you have left the marital home. Therapy could help you to resolve and release the trauma you've experienced in your marriage and give you emotional clarity to ensure that this relationship does not descend into ongoing financial abuse.

You Need To Take Back Ownership of Your Life

Newsweek spoke to marriage and family therapist Faith Dulin, based in Charlotte, NC.

Your psychologist was right, you've been in a controlling, abusive relationship. You mention several things about the marriage that have contributed to your unhappiness, so it begs the question: why did you participate in such a dynamic, for so long? When she first started these behaviors, what made you choose to indulge them instead of setting a boundary?

Relationships are established and developed equally between two people. From the moment you meet someone, there are subconscious negotiations happening that will determine the roles and expectations of the relationship. When you allow certain behaviors, you indirectly communicate they are acceptable to you.

Whatever you participate in, you reinforce. Having healthy boundaries allows us to assert what we are okay with and what we're not. So, you've both co-created the landscape of this relationship. But you're finally ready for change, good for you! You've left, so maybe there is a separation and impending divorce? Take back ownership of your life and make intentional appropriate decisions by advocating for yourself. Disengage from the reactive loop you've been stuck in where she determines your behaviors. What do you need to do for yourself right now?

If she makes a lot more money than you do, why are you paying all the bills for a place you're not living in? Meet with an attorney as soon as possible. They will be able to give you objective guidance on what is fair moving forward. After you're able to extricate yourself from this toxic marriage, take some time for you to heal and explore the process of what brought you to this place. What thoughts, decisions, and behaviors of your own contributed to the dysfunction of this relationship? Were you nonconfrontational to the point of permitting abusive behaviors? What causes you to avoid conflict? Where should your boundaries be? What does a healthy relationship look like? Do the deep work to heal yourself so you don't unintentionally recreate the same problems with a new person in the next relationship.