My Friend Died and His Family Are Kicking Me Out—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I was living with a good friend for 27 years in the house that he owned. He passed away the day before his birthday in January, he would have been 80—we'll call him Paul.

Paul helped me find a job and taught me to drive. A year after getting a place I could afford, the roommate I had didn't renew the lease. So Paul let me live there, and I just never left. He helped me through so much in my life after that, and if I did try to move out he would always tell me I didn't have to.

Between 2010 and 2023, Paul started showing hints of Alzheimer's. I noticed a pattern and I adjusted my reaction to his episodes because he could get really mean during these times, but wouldn't remember them. I stayed, he needed someone to be there. He never married and we were the only constant in each other's lives.

His brother, we'll call him Dave, hated that I was living there. Despite the fact I was helping him, and if he wanted me gone, he had plenty of opportunities to ask me to leave, but didn't.

In the last 3 years, Paul was on dialysis, he got COVID 3 times, and never really recovered from the first time. His lungs were in a bad state, there was so much fluid and it was affecting his heart.

In 2021, Dave started coming round and asking if he could take some things and Paul didn't see anything fishy about it. Neither of his brothers ever came to visit or took care of him when he got sick. Dave started calling Paul more and more in 2021, until Paul signed the house over to him in an Irrevocable Trust, and then his brother stopped coming over.

Earlier this year, Paul went into cardiac arrest and coded several times. I never even knew he had gone into hospital. I went over to the hospital but no one would speak to me.

The next day, Dave called me and told me 'It's done, he's dead.' Then he told me that he waited 45 minutes for the other brother to get there and do the last rites and disconnect him.

I was devastated beyond words. I knew he hated me, but to not call me, to not allow me to say goodbye to the person I was closest to, lived with, cared for. The man I took care of when none of them could be bothered for the last 10 years. I will never forgive that.

Now they're throwing me out of the house to sell it, telling me I've been living a lifestyle not for my class. I recently got tired of being talked down to and now I'm being called the a****** because I won't move out.

I asked for a small pinch of his ashes, for a mourning necklace, and was told no because they want to bury them all with his mother's ashes. Am I unreasonable for making a deal about a pinch of ashes? I think that's the smallest gesture they could make for me being there all these years, when they didn't care enough.

They accused me of using him, but all I ever did was care for Paul. I could have never turned my back on him like his family did. I'm so angry and I wish Paul was here. I'm not even angry at Paul for leaving, I'm angry [with] his brother who has no compassion.

Cindy, Massachusetts

You Have Every Right to Ask for Some of the Ashes

James Miller is a psychotherapist with over 25 years of experience dealing with family relationship dynamics and grief counseling, as well as the author of the self-help book 'LIFE LESSONS: You are the Expert on Your Life' that aims to empower readers.

Grief is a very painful set of feelings to navigate. You have every right to ask for a pinch of his ashes. However, from how you describe the brothers, they are not the type to oblige your request. You have years of experience caregiving to Paul, and your grief is profound.

One of the hardest things to remember when grieving is you are expecting the brothers to give you some of his ashes based on your personality and how you'd naturally accommodate others; that's why it makes no sense to you why they are being so cruel.

Grief is separated into five stages. We experience the stages at different times of the grieving process. Right now, you are vacillating between anger, bargaining, and depression.

The anger you feel is also a form of your grief. Anger is energy, and it has to be directed somewhere. Being angry with them, rightfully so, helps you release some of that grief because you have a focal point on where to direct it.

If you can't get the ashes, perhaps use a photo of him or an object that he gave you and cut it up to put into your mourning necklace. It's not him, but it carries the idea and memory of him.

Lastly, when reflecting on future interactions with the brothers, be mindful that they will respond based on their personalities. The behaviors they've shown in the past are a good indication of how they will respond in the future. It won't make any sense to you because your empathy level is different than theirs.

Familiarize Yourself With Massachusetts Eviction Laws

Derek Jacques is an attorney at The Mitten Law Firm where he has helped clients through a range of family law issues, bankruptcy, custody and divorce.

I sympathize with you Cindy. This sounds like a situation which is quite common in disputes about wills and trusts. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like Paul had a will or any documentation about his final wishes, which is the case for approximately 70 percent of people.

I think your request is completely reasonable, and that Paul was lucky to have had a friend that cared so much for him, when it appears his family did not. However, I can't see anything in your letter that indicates Paul had made any specific requests regarding his remains.

There could be a way to have your request honored, but you would want to consult an attorney that is knowledgeable in Massachusetts probate laws.

As for recourse you might have regarding the house, I would familiarize yourself with Massachusetts eviction laws. In the situation where the property is being sold, a 30-day notice is required before any legal eviction action can be taken.

Although it doesn't appear there was a lease agreement in place, an argument can be made that your oral agreement with Paul would suffice as a lease. In that case, the family would have to go through the legal eviction process.