Dear Newsweek, my husband told me he has a crush on a 40-year younger woman. He said he would take a shot at a relationship with her if he were younger, aside from the fact he is married to me. I was stunned, to say the least.
He also mentioned that my weight may be causing my health problems and that if the situation were reversed, he (meaning me) would be in assisted living. He is hypercritical of almost everything I do and takes off like a shot when one of his friends calls for coffee or breakfast.
We've been married 10 years and he would rather sleep with the dog than me. We are both over 70. I know I should do something about this, but at my age the thought of starting over is depressing.
Denise, Unknown
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
Comparison Is the Thief of Happiness
Sam Zand is a licensed psychiatrist, chief medical officer at Better U and CEO of the Anywhere Clinic.
It is natural for people to find physical attraction outside of their relationship. However, it is not kind to make our partner feel unloved because there might be someone more attractive out there. Compassion, kindness and loyalty can outweigh physical attraction if we prioritize our needs appropriately.
Often, when we are putting down our partner, it is a projection of how we feel about ourselves. In this case, your husband is likely not in his physical prime either, and perhaps he is projecting his insecurity onto you. Direct communication is key. It's okay to say "that was hurtful" and coach our partner to be more considerate of our feelings.
If you think there are better options on the table, you have to realize that your spouse may be the best option at someone else's table. Comparison is the thief of happiness. We must find gratitude and love for the people who have been there for us, especially our life partners. We will all age and die, and addressing aging and mortality in the end stages together is one of the beautiful things about lifelong relationships.
What Is Keeping You in This Marriage?
Saba Lurie is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner and founder of Take Root Therapy.
Having feelings for or being attracted to someone who isn't your partner is normal, and being able to share that can be a sign of intimacy and trust. However, in this case, it sounds like your husband is sharing this information to hurt you. Or at the very least, he is not concerned about hurting you.
Based on your statements, your husband's words and behaviors sound like emotional abuse. You say it's hard to imagine starting over, but it sounds like starting over is exactly what you're considering doing. I would encourage you to consider what is keeping you in this marriage, and what you could really gain by addressing your husband's statements.
It's never easy to end a relationship, and that's especially true when you feel so down about yourself that you can't imagine you'll find love again. But, as you describe it, there may be no love left in this relationship. Accessing support from those who love you, including family and friends, may help you to decide that it's time to move on.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
About the writer
Sophie is a Newsweek Pop Culture and Entertainment Reporter based in Lincoln, UK. Her focus is reporting on film and ... Read more
