My 13-Year-Old Daughter Thinks I'm Sexualizing Her - What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek,

My daughter is 13 and came downstairs in a short crop top she cut. I told her I didn't even like her wearing that in the house, but I kind of got over that. I don't want her wearing that outside the house, but then she will ride her bike with a two piece swimsuit from the pool to home. I freaked out, told her there are weirdos around, but she took it as I was sexualizing her. I don't how to approach the situation without making it feel like it's her "fault."

'She has to protect herself'

Ask why she wants to dress in certain ways, as she might be influenced by other friends or social media. Preteens should be made to understand that certain clothing can be worn for different environments or activities. It might be okay to walk around in underwear in our home, but if you fall in a bikini while riding a bike that could leave a big scrape.

Without your direct supervision or that of another adult, strangers might take your daughter's revealing clothing as a sign that she is older and act inappropriately or even assault her. There are sexual predators out there, so she has to protect herself. Teach her to save the outrageous outfits for proms, dances, or birthday parties.

As your child enters adolescence and then the teen years, it is important to realize that they will often struggle with accepting their body. Instead of just forbidding certain types of clothing, try to understand why your child is gravitating towards a certain look. Is there a compromise about when and where those clothing types can be worn (weekends and not for school etc)?

As a parent, you should empower your child to understand that appearance and
presentation aren't everything. Allow them to express their individuality. Let them have pink hair in the summer, and let them put on fake tattoos. As long as it's not permanent, giving them a little free rein will make them less likely to rebel.

Dr. Lea Lis is a child psychiatrist author of the book, No Shame, Real Talk with Your Kids about Sex, Self Confidence or Healthy Relationships.

'An act of individuality'

As a parent, you will naturally want to protect your child from harm, but young fashions have always given parents cause for concern—think miniskirts in the 1960s. Young people will want to follow trends and be part of their identified peer group, which can help them to build self-esteem and peer connections and develop their individuality.

Pointing out your disapproval will likely cause her to feel shame, fear, lowered self-esteem, or a disconnect from you. There is also the risk that she'll start to feel embarrassed or insecure about her body. Alternatively, she may feel that you're not accepting of her and start to hide things from you.

I think it's important that we also acknowledge that children are by nature free and expressive with their bodies and this is a thing we should support. Indeed, we cannot hold a young girl or woman's clothing responsible for the bad intent of others. You can teach her ways to stay safe—we know that perpetrators tend to avoid people who are confident, so we should aim to encourage confidence in all areas.

You mentioned that she cut the top herself. Her creativity is positive and an act of individuality. I think you could use this as an opportunity to bond with her, maybe go shopping with her to find a mutually acceptable top. Negotiation and compromise are respectful to both the parents and the emerging young adults, but it requires movement on both sides.

Try to remember trends come and go and your child's taste will change as she gets older. It can be hard to adjust to the changes in your child as they grow up, and to acknowledge that they become independent thinkers wanting to express themselves in an independent way.

Dr Siobhan McCarthy is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist specializing in family and couples therapy.