I See Phubbing All the Time—It's Ruining People's Love Lives

Whether you know it or not, you've been phubbed!

When you are reporting back on the previous night's date to your friends, the word phubbing might not be in your daily vocabulary quite yet, but the behavior itself is becoming more and more common—and no, it's not some weird sexual position.

Phubbing, a portmanteau of "phone" and "snubbing," refers to the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by paying more attention to your phone or other digital device than to the person you are with.

This can be a range of behaviors and actions from simply glancing down at your phone in the middle of a conversation, to checking your phone the minute there is a pause, to completely tuning out and becoming engrossed with something on your device.

Whilst it may seem annoying but harmless, research shows it can severely disrupt your in-person relationships, particularly romantic ones.

As a break-up and divorce coach, I can see how seriously phubbing is affecting relationships. When we are busy looking at our screen instead of the person we are in the same room with, we are less attuned to their non-verbal and emotional cues.

This hinders the depth and quality of the communication and our ability to truly connect and empathize with those around us. For the person on the receiving end of phubbing, it can lead to a sense of detachment and loneliness.

One of my clients has experienced feeling completely uninteresting and unattractive on a date as the person they were with was clearly paying more attention to their phone than them, with one client reporting being called the wrong name on a date.

When questioned, the date explained he had called her the name of one of his friends as that was who he was texting at the time.

Another claims the person she was dating was paying a tax bill online in the middle of a conversation about her father passing away.

This is particularly hurtful as during those first few months of dating we expect the person we are dating to be not only on their "best behavior" but interested in getting to know us to the point of being fascinated by our conversation.

Long-term relationships are also severely affected by phubbing, with one client even stating how during labor with her first child, her partner completely tuned out. Instead of staying present and supporting her, he was sending gifs and WhatsApp messages to his friends.

This left her feeling incredibly alone, unimportant, and unsupported. Clients have also been unaware that they have been phubbing their partner and have been taken aback when told how hurtful the behavior is.

One client said: "I honestly think my mobile phone was the 'third party' in our marriage that destroyed it and I wasn't even aware of it at the time."

So how can we limit being on the receiving end of phubbing and also make sure we aren't guilty of it ourselves?

As unsexy as it sounds, couples need to have a conversation about the use of technology and establish some ground rules. Questions should be asked such as: Are phones allowed out on the table during dinner dates? And: When is it acceptable to look at your phone?

For longer-term couples, establish phone-free zones and or times. Prioritize quality time. This ensures there are at least regular times and moments when you are both fully present with one another.

As soon as you are aware that your partner's use of their phone is hurting or frustrating you, talk to them about it. Approach the subject in a non-confrontational way. Don't talk about what they do, talk about how you feel. "I feel abandoned when I'm talking to you about something important and you look at your phone."

Communication from both parties is key. Often it's what is perceived to be going on that is causing the hurt rather than what's actually happening. If you find yourself being active on your phone when with someone quickly explain why.

"Sorry, I just need to reply to this urgent work email, it'll only take a moment." This creates clarity and reduces rejection....instead of the other person believing you are talking to someone far more important and exciting than them.

Be more open when you do need to use your phone. Don't keep the screen face down and be constantly picking it up for just a few seconds. This creates secrecy and appears as though you are hiding something from the other person.

Be aware of how well you are listening to someone and being fully present with them. Body language such as eye contact, nodding, and responding thoughtfully shows respect and connection to someone.

By being aware of the detrimental effects of our phone usage and implementing mindful strategies to minimize these, we can still forge meaningful connections, successful dates and long-term relationships, and use our phones to make life easier, more convenient and fun.

Linzi Kavanagh is a Break-Up and Divorce Empowerment Coach, who supports women to emotionally heal from their break-up and empowers them to build a new life and future they love.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

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