I Fell Out With My Best Friend Over a Wedding Payment—What Should I Do?

It's been 25 years since I last spoke to my best friend. We fell out over a dispute about money at her wedding and I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since.

She's from the northern suburbs of Chicago and I'm from just over the border in southern Wisconsin. We were so close that she and her mother traveled several hours to see me and my newborn daughter on the very same day her sister gave birth.

Our friendship ended a quarter of a century ago, around the time of her wedding, when I didn't agree to contribute money to pay for her sister's house to be cleaned in order for her to host her wedding shower. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding and I explained that I didn't think it was reasonable for us to be charged for her sister to get her house cleaned, especially if she was getting it cleaned anyway, and it hadn't been pre-agreed.

My best friend's sister decided to tell my friend this shortly after the wedding, and I haven't seen her since. I've only spoken to her long enough for her to tell me that it was unacceptable for me not to pay what her sister requested of me, and that I had disrespected her sister.

I did pay for the bachelorette party even though her sister planned it for a night I couldn't attend.

I tried contacting her years later on social media, but she must have blocked me. We don't live in the same city, nor do we have any mutual friends, so I have no idea how she and her family have been over the years. It's a sad story, but I think she has missed out on being part of my life as much as I've missed out on hers.

Heather, Wisconsin

It's Crucial to Acknowledge the Pain

Amanda Phillips is the founder and chief editor of The Mental Desk, a Chicago-based online mental health service.

In my experience, unresolved conflicts like these can cast long shadows over our lives. From my perspective, it's important to remember that every relationship, including friendships, should be based on mutual respect and understanding. In this situation, it seems there was a lack of communication and understanding, which led to a rift in your friendship.

It's never too late to seek closure. You've carried this burden for 25 years, and it's clear that it still affects you deeply. I have learned that sometimes the best way to heal is to let go of the expectation of reconciliation and focus on forgiving—both your friend and yourself.

It might seem controversial, but sometimes the person we need to forgive is not the one who wronged us, but ourselves for allowing it to impact our lives so profoundly. It's important to remember that you made a decision based on your principles and understanding at the time.

It's crucial to acknowledge the pain, accept what happened, and then allow yourself to move forward. You've built a life without this friendship for 25 years, and it's okay to mourn its loss while also recognizing your growth and resilience.

Closure is not always about mending broken ties, but about finding peace within ourselves. It's about understanding that we can't change the past, but we can control how it shapes our future.

Your Brain is Having a Hard Time Processing What Happened

Veronda Bellamy is a licensed therapist and counselor with a passion for mindset coaching.

It could be possible that this best friend is troubling your mind 25 years later because you are still experiencing feelings of guilt. Could it be possible that although you stood by your reasons not to pay for the cleaning bill at the time, the thought has crossed your mind that if you had given in to the demand on the day, you'd still have your best friend?

Your brain is having a hard time processing what happened between you and your friend, even after 25 years, and this will continue until there is a resolution.

Whether you try and reach out or not, it's important to get rid of any feelings of self-blame for what happened between you and your friend. If you do want to reach out but have lost all contact details you could try searching government sites with public records.

You may be experiencing anxiety about the reaction your friend might give you if you do manage to get in contact with her. She may react negatively or not reply at all, but she may surprise you. It's been 25 years, she has almost certainly missed you too and if the worst-case scenario happens and she doesn't reply, then maybe you will have the closure you need to move on.