Son Backed for Refusing to Help Parents With 'Very Destructive' Brother

The eldest son of a family is being backed for refusing to help out with his "very destructive and angry" brother after moving out of the house.

The original poster (OP), u/South-Artist3160, shared his story to the popular Reddit forum r/AmITheA**hole. He earned over 17,000 upvotes and 1,700 comments for his post, "[Am I the A**hole] for telling my parents I am not going to help them out ever again and they are now on their own?"

The OP says that when he was 6 years old, his parents had his brother.

"From a young age my brother showed concerning behavior and over the years it only got worse. He is very destructive and angry and has been in and out of our local children's hospital for psych evals and behavioral assessments since he was 4 years old. The police have been called to our house many times before to help get him under control. He has never been formally diagnosed but he was medicated a few times to sedate him and try to curb his outbursts," u/South-Artist3160 wrote.

He says that the issues with his brother put his life "on hold" throughout his childhood. He couldn't have friends over, nor could he go to friends' birthday parties until he was old enough to walk there alone. His last birthday celebration with his family was for his 9th birthday, and he says he wasn't again allowed to celebrate until he turned 13, and was old enough to do something without adult supervision. Even then, though, he had to tell his friends not to get him any gifts, as his brother would just destroy them.

The OP also says that starting at age 12, he'd be left in charge to watch his brother while his parents would get a break. He couldn't visit his friends, he says, but was still old enough to be left alone with his brother. Things got worse when he turned 14.

"My life was hell," he wrote. "By 14 it was hours at night. A few times even overnight. I was not prepared and our house was destroyed every time. And my parents would express disappointment in my handling of things."

When he turned 16, the OP says he finally got a break when his brother was put in a residential treatment program. Unfortunately, however, the program only lasted a month—"by far the best month of my life in years"—but when his brother returned, he was the same as before.

"It felt like my life had ended," u/South-Artist3160 wrote.

Now a young adult, the OP has moved out and distanced himself from his parents. Though they try to keep in touch with him, he says he's "bitter" about how his childhood played out—and they know this. OP's brother, now 13, has gotten worse, and his parents have asked for his help, asking to babysit him for a night, as they haven't had a break from dealing with him in seven months.

"I told them no. They told me they need my help. That's when I told them I would never help them again and they are on their own," u/South-Artist3160 wrote. "They told me I was being unfair. They asked me how I could do this to them."

Raising a child is difficult. While it makes sense to ask for help, when one person relies too much on one of their other children to help out, this is called "parentification." Parentification can take a few different forms, including being denied comforts the younger children get while being expected to be a free babysitter. Often, a parentified teen is expected to be a "team player," even if they're being asked to pay for things for their siblings that they never got to experience themselves.

When one takes a child's special needs into account, it can be even more difficult, as children generally don't know how to provide for those special needs. For instance, while OP's parents seem to think he should have been in more control as the eldest child, it does not appear they gave him any resources to deal with his brother's destruction and anger.

Parentification can often cause resentment between the child and their actual parents. Often times it can even result in a parentified child cutting ties with their parents when they move out. Family trauma expert Kaytlyn Gillis, LCSW, BACS spoke to Newsweek about being parentified and the potential of repairing relationships with one's parents.

"Many people who were parentified struggle to know what their boundaries are, due to years of having to play the parental role to a sibling(s). This role, and its accompanying behaviors, becomes so second nature that many do not even realize the behaviors are unhealthy as they do not have anything to compare it to," Gillis said.

"I remember a client saying to me, "'I didn't realize it was abnormal until someone told me!' It takes work to learn what is healthy in a relationship if you did not have good examples in the formative years," she added.

Dr. Melissa Boudin, Psy.D agreed.

"Healing yourself after parentification often requires one or a combination of: healthy peer relationships, supportive/healthy mentors/teachers with realistic expectations of you and therapeutic support," she told Newsweek.

Boudin points out that having empathy for the parents is also important, especially in a case like this, where the parentification is due, at least in part, to hardship.

"A straightforward approach that offers empathy to the caregiver, despite this potentially being difficult to give, can be effective. In these situations parents often parentify a child out of need or survival for the family, and have likely been impacted by this as well," Boudin told Newsweek. "A conversation that leaves room for the caregiver to provide their perspective can be productive for both parties, and provide a greater sense of understanding and acceptance for the parentified person."

Reddit took u/South-Artist3160's side in the debate.

"[Not the A**hole]," u/Aunty_Fascist wrote in the top-rated comment with 22,100 upvotes. "He's not your responsibility and they need to get him properly diagnosed for services and perhaps look into a group home situation for him."

"This. They may or may not have made good choices for him as he grew up - it sounds as though they may have avoided making difficult choices (i.e. difficult for them) - but they made very, very bad choices for you," u/wanderleywagon5678 added. "You owe them nothing, and indeed if you helped them you would probably just enable the problem to continue. Maybe if left to their own devices they will seek an appropriate longer-term solution."

"[Not the A**hole] your parents have done you and your brother a disservice. Why is he not in a home? In the end, their handling of things will cost them all their children," u/hatetank91 wrote.

Newsweek reached out to u/South-Artist3160 for comment. We could not verify the details of this case.