Man Praised for Telling Grieving Parents They 'Made' Him Get Vasectomy

A man who revealed to his grieving parents that their treatment led to him getting a vasectomy has earned praise online.

In a Reddit post shared under the handle u/HotRen1508 that has since been deleted, a man described how his family has been in turmoil following the sudden recent death of his brother who was the favorite with his mom and dad.

"My brother was awesome and my parents loved him," he wrote. "On the other hand my parents tolerated me. I wasn't good at sports, or school, or anything really. I was pretty much an afterthought." The disparity in the way the two brothers were treated is perhaps best exemplified in their schooling.

A college education might get you far in life but it comes at a hefty cost. The Education Data Initiative, a research group focused on collecting data and statistics about the U.S. education system, estimates the average cost of college in the U.S. to be $36,436 per student per year, with that figure including supplies and living expenses.

That's a heavy financial burden for anyone to take on, yet it's one this man ended up lumbered with while his brother was treated decidedly differently.

"When my brother got into medical school while I was in community college my parents helped him out so he could graduate without debt," he wrote. "He had a bright future ahead and they wanted him to achieve. I was told I had to get student loans."

The man said he "went low contact" with his parents as a result of this decision and though he ended up getting a masters and a career he was happy with, money has remained tight and ultimately led to some big decisions.

"I had to plan for my future," he wrote. "I knew I could have a good life with a partner but that kids would lower my standard of living. So I got a vasectomy."

For a while, life was good. He got married, had a couple of dogs and lived in a modest house. But the sudden death of his brother on his honeymoon left his parents "devastated" for more reasons than one.

"My mom said that when we had kids I should name one after my brother," the man said. "I wasn't really thinking straight so I told the unvarnished truth. I had to choose between kids and paying off my student loans."

His dad "blew up" after discovering he had had the vasectomy and even offered to have it reversed. "I said that I always thought my brother would provide them with grandkids and that if I had kids they would be afterthoughts like I was," he wrote.

The man has been branded "insensitive" for revealing his decision in the way he chose to but he's stuck to his guns so far.

Carole Cox, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in life transitions, grief/loss and relationships with Thriveworks, a nationwide mental health company offering therapy services in-person and online, told Newsweek the man "has a right to his own life choices."

"What he and his wife decided regarding not having children is valid, no matter how they came to this decision," Cox said. "The author has a right to decide what to do with his body, and getting a vasectomy was his choice and in no way disrespectful to his parents or anyone else."

Though she acknowledged "everyone in the family system has had one or more losses" following the brother's death, the expectation of a grown man to reverse a vasectomy after voicing his desire to not have children is "selfish and unrealistic."

Cox felt that, regardless of the dispute over the vasectomy, each of the family members would benefit from counseling and "an objective party who can give everyone the chance to feel seen and heard, and normalize the experience of each family member without blaming or shaming."

She said: "This can also be helpful to guide the family, especially the parents, towards other more reasonable options to meet their needs rather than expecting their son to do it for them."

The post, titled "AITAH for telling my parents that they made me chose between paying my student loans and having kids so I had a vasectomy and they will never have grandkids," received over 34,000 upvotes and 4,000 comments.

Users commenting on Reddit were critical of the parents' actions. "Once again, your parents are putting what they want first, regardless of whether it would put you in financial ruin," one user wrote. A second commented: "You should never have a kid to please someone else. Having a child is basically the biggest change to your life and biggest responsibility you can take on." A third added: "It's unfair for your parents to guilt-trip you for choosing a childfree life, especially considering the loss of your brother. You don't owe them grandchildren, and their behavior is unreasonable."

Newsweek has reached out to u/HotRen1508 but was unable to verify the details of the case