Moms on Why They Want Son to Know His Sperm Donor: 'Part of Our Family'

"Our donor is incredible—he is kind, thoughtful, and has the best heart," moms Paige Kennedy-Winston and Danielle Winston told Newsweek.

The pair, from Arlington, Virginia, welcomed baby Lucas four months ago, and used a sperm donor, Flavio.

Over the past two decades, an increasing number of children have been born through sperm donation.

While the majority of donors choose to remain anonymous, a growing number of families, like Paige and Danielle, are opting to involve their sperm donor in their child's life.

"We wanted other people to know that banks weren't the only option," Danielle told Newsweek. "A successful relationship between recipient parents and donors is possible and an incredible thing when it happens."

Their son, Lucas, was born on August 29, 2023, and the couple have been sharing their experience of including their donor, Flavio, in their family life on TikTok to raise awareness. In the video, they express their desire for other LGBTQ+ couples, those facing male infertility, and single parents by choice to consider using a known donor as a viable and fulfilling option.

Now, baby Lucas is surrounded not only by the love of his parents Paige and Danielle but also by their donor, with whom they spend time and intend to ensure a lasting relationship with their son.

The donor Flavio lives in Rome, Italy, and the couple have had a relationship with him for the last two years.

"He truly feels like part of our family," said Paige. "We met his parents and siblings, it was a very special moment. They are all so incredibly kind and supportive."

The couple explained that meeting the donor was important to ensure it was someone they trusted, rather than relying on sperm banks.

"We feel so happy that we picked a donor and that he got to meet our child and will continue to see him, and future children, periodically so that when the time comes for our kids to ask who the donor is, they will already know him," said Paige.

A recent video shared on TikTok showed the moment Flavio and Lucas met for the first time, visiting a nearby pumpkin patch and wearing matching Halloween outfits.

Flavio even came with gifts from him and his mother, including books about animals and a soccer jersey.

"This is so damn sweet," said one viewer in the comments on TikTok, while another said: "As a donor-conceived person, I love that he's involved with your child. I can tell you are awesome parents."

Paige and Danielle hope that their story encourages others to consider known donors, fostering a sense of connection and familial bonds from the very start of a child's life.

According to the Fertility Center of California, anonymous sperm donation is the most common arrangement, where individuals choose a sperm donor from a database whose identity is concealed. Known sperm donors, typically friends, family members, or acquaintances, are less common.

The new moms found their donor through Seed Scout, a donor matchmaking service founded by Danielle herself.

"Known donors are a super thoughtful choice, and donor-conceived children all grow up feeling they wish they knew their donor or had a relation with them," said Paige, who is also a board-certified pediatrician. "Not to mention, the banks have some unethical practices we've learned about that we wanted to avoid."

Research published in 2023 analyzed the donor application process for 11,712 men from the United States and Denmark. They found that only 40 percent of donor applicants decided to make their identity available to any children born from their donations.

Interestingly, in the U.K. anonymous sperm donation is illegal, and last year Colorado passed a law to abolish anonymous sperm and egg donation, which is due to take effect in 2025.

Research shows that keeping communication open between donors and donor-conceived children has a positive impact on the children, too. Harvard University sent a survey to 148 individuals who were donor-conceived.

Approximately 94 percent were conceived anonymously and almost 85 percent reported a shift in their "sense of self" upon learning about the nature of their conception and about half sought psychological help in order to cope.

Of the respondents, 86 percent said they felt they had a right to non-identifying information about their donor.

Furthermore, 86 percent of respondents said they would urge their friend to use an open donor without concealed identity if they were considering a donor pregnancy.

Seed Scout helps couples find a known donor that they can interact with before donation. With over 180 donor options currently, donors can only donate to a maximum of three families through Seed Scout.

"My wife created The Seed Scout to help other couples find known donors. She guides them through each step, including genetic testing, legal contracts, and clinic donations," said Paige.

Addressing legal concerns, Paige highlighted the advancements in protections for parents using known donors. "With a strong legal contract, second-parent adoption, having parents' names on the birth certificate, and having the donor's intentions in writing, you are well-protected in terms of parental rights," she said.

Because Flavio lives so far away, it isn't always easy to arrange visits, but the couple are sure they will see him again within the next year, and look forward to the long and lasting relationship.

"Our son was enamored by him," said Paige. "It is truly so special to see them start to form their bond from such a young age."

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