Mother-in-Law's Method of 'Helping Out' With Grandchildren Slammed

A widowed mother-in-law has been accused of failing to support her daughter-in-law with her grandkids, despite staying at their house at least one night a week.

In a lengthy post on the online forum Mumsnet, a busy mom of two said that while the two "get along nicely," her in-law has proven more of a burden than a help, even though that is the primary reason for her visits.

Parents who require child care are under increasing financial pressures, with increased costs and rising demand prompting many to feel the strain. A 2022 survey conducted by Care.com said 63 percent of U.S. parents reported that child care had become more expensive over the past year, while 43 percent were finding it hard to find even suitable care.

That was what the mother writing to U.K.-based Mumsnet, under the username TwoBabas, thought would be the case with her mother-in-law. She has been coming over to "help out" once a week since the mom's daughter was born.

"It was initially a casual arrangement as I wanted her to bond with her grandchildren and for her to feel welcome in our home," the poster said. "Now I fear I have dug myself a hole."

Despite living just 40 minutes away, her mother-in-law is a "nervous driver" and often prefers to stay overnight rather than leave when it is dark. The problem is that she often ends up remaining there for several days.

From a practical standpoint, TwoBabas said, the main problem is that the mother-in-law does not come on a "certain day" or even a certain time.

"I cannot make plans to see other moms or attend regular baby groups," the mother wrote. "I have a 7 month old son now too and she always rocks up when I have finally got him to nap...causing our dog to go berserk and wake him up. I have asked her to text me to let me know her arrival time countless times but it just falls on deaf ears."

The mom said that her daughter, who is now 2, is "very clingy" to her grandmother and is often rude to her mother when the in-law is around. "I find the dynamic and atmosphere different when Grandma is here and can't fully be myself with my daughter and discipline her the way I would on my own in front of grandma," she wrote.

A 'Very Demanding' Baby

While the mother-in-law is close to her granddaughter, the busy mom needs more support looking after her infant son. "He has been a tricky baby and is very demanding," she wrote. "I would like more help with him if anything but she often disappears out of the house with my daughter to a park or cafe."

The mom continued: "My son loves watching his sister play and I find him much easier to look after when they are together so I also feel some resentment when she comes to help."

Having her mother-in-law there also means there is little time for her to rest. "If I'm lucky enough to get both children to nap at the same time I feel obliged to sit and talk when really I want to rest and switch off," she said.

To top it all off, she said, her mother-in-law never helps with day-to-day tasks like cleaning and washing, and having her there simply increases the workload.

Eager not to upset her, the mom said she has spoken to her husband about how she felt, but he is worried about her being "alone and depressed" and insists the in-law is trying to help.

"I don't want to be completely ungrateful but I am just being honest," the poster wrote. "I worry that she is going to keep coming and staying over for a few nights a week for the rest of our [lives] now her feet are firmly in the door."

How to Improve the Family's Dynamics

Florence Ann Romano, an author and child care advocate, told Newsweek that the mom needs to establish boundaries with her mother-in-law.

"Ask her to come and leave at a designated time," she said. "Just say that the rhythm of the house needs certain structure, and implementing a routine will help the family dynamics."

Romano also urged the poster to "ask Grandma to apply the same efforts she did at the beginning with her daughter, now with the son."

"She's certainly not alone trying to straddle this fine line," she said. "But it's your home and your rules. If the grandparent wants to be involved in your lives and provide help, then they have to respect that. On the flip side, however, you shouldn't be taking advantage of their kindness. Both sides need to approach boundaries with honesty, responsibility and respect."

Commenters on Mumsnet agreed that the setup was unsustainable. "This would drive me nuts," Cherrysoup wrote. And curiousitydoll agreed, saying that "this would drive me insane too."

Cocolapew wrote: "I'd go mad if my husband allowed this to happen," while Squeezedsquash commented: "Your husband needs to have the conversation [with her] but first you've got to get him onside."

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.

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