'I'm a Shopping Expert, This Is How To Handle Unwanted Holiday Gifts'

Twenty years ago, I had no idea professional decluttering coaches even existed. I have an academic background and after leaving Oxford University worked as a lecturer for fourteen years—teaching politics and social sciences at London University and The Open University.

Throughout my teaching career, I became really interested in the subject of procrastination. I realized it was the biggest elephant in the room, not only for my students, but also for my colleagues.

It was something I felt universities at that time were just not addressing and I really wanted to understand more about motivation; what drives people forward and what holds people up.

So, I decided to train as a productivity coach, with the intention of applying my new skills to my career in education. As part of my training at the Coaches Training Institute (CTI), I was required to find a real person, who was grappling with a decision, and have a conversation with them to see if I could help them through their impasse.

Learning how to declutter

I had an elderly neighbor, who had been widowed for five years, and had a wardrobe full of her late husband's clothes, which she had not been able to open. She offered to be my practice client. I sat with her for the afternoon and, at first, we just opened the door of the wardrobe. My neighbor started to tell me stories, not just about the clothes, but about her husband, their relationship, marriage and family.

She and I talked through the process of what she wanted to keep and what she was willing to let go. We both cried, we both laughed—it was very emotional. At the end of the session, she said to me: "You could do this for a living".

Initially, I laughed. I didn't know decluttering was a profession, I had never heard of it and definitely never expected to be sorting out people's wardrobes for a living. But shortly after our session, my neighbor recommended me to one of her friends, who needed some help. For around six months after that I did decluttering work on a volunteer basis.

In 2008, I ended up setting up my own company. I had never been self-employed and had no business experience. But I kind of learned on the job and shortly afterwards I discovered the Association of Professional Declutterers & Organisers (APDO), a group trying to promote the industry.

After joining the group, I very quickly became a board member. I was the association's first-ever head of training, who created and then led the first U.K. training courses for declutterers and organizers.

I feel it's important to note that I do not work with people who have hoarding behaviors. Hoarding is a very distinct mental health condition, which requires specialist training and a multidisciplinary approach. I help people who are struggling with everyday, regular clutter.

So, for me, what was always important was not just tidying up; I'm not a naturally organized person and have no interest in aesthetics. What interested me was helping people, who had too much stuff, to stop procrastinating and make decisions. The relationship between people and things, the social and the material, is something that has always fascinated me.

Why do we struggle to get rid of holiday gifts

When it comes to clutter, I think gifts in general can be a huge issue. It's not just Christmas presents—it could be birthday, wedding, or Hanukkah gifts. But people tend to keep them, even if they dislike them, because of either an association with the person or an assumption about what that gift represents.

I feel it's helpful to clarify a number of things. Firstly, I genuinely believe that when someone gives you a gift, the item becomes yours and the person who gave it to you gives you permission to do whatever you like with it.

In my eyes, if you're giving away an object, you're not letting go of a relationship. You can continue to cherish the relationship, treasure the memories you have and appreciate the generosity, kindness, and thoughtfulness someone put into choosing something for you.

I work a lot with people who worry about losing their memories. They often hold onto mementos from the past, especially gifts, because to them the item reflects an event or a relationship, and they're afraid that if they let go of the item they may forget what happened.

In these cases, I advise taking a picture of the items, writing out a list of all your cherished objects, or telling someone else about them. I encourage clients to tell their children, their grandchildren or their family members about the significance of the items; who gave you that vase? Who drew you that picture?

Once your loved ones know the stories behind the objects, the memories can be passed down, without the items. I never talk about "getting rid" of objects. Instead, I talk about "letting go or giving away." I really believe that we should respect, not just people but objects, so for me, "getting rid of" is a disrespectful term.

A lot of my philosophy became clear to me a few years ago when I bought a handbag for an aunt, who I was very close to. She had lovely taste in clothes and really enjoyed dressing up, so I purchased this beaded handbag, covered in sequins, which I thought she would love. I wrapped it up, presented it to her and she said to me: "Juliet, it's really beautiful and I am really grateful, but I'm not going to use it. Thank you very much, but I think you can give it to someone else who will use it."

Part of my initial reaction was: "Wow, that is such an audacious thing to say." But it's also very loving, because I appreciated that rather than saying: "Thank you", sticking it in a drawer and never using it, my aunt wanted to let someone else love the bag and enjoy it. I ended up giving it to a friend, who was absolutely thrilled. So I was really grateful to my aunt for teaching me that lesson.

How to handle unwanted holiday gifts

I believe there are a number of ways to handle unwanted gifts. Firstly, I feel it's really important to thank the person who gave you the gift and express your gratitude. You don't have to be any less grateful just because you're not going to keep the item. I would suggest perhaps taking a picture of the item, so you can remember what it was they gave you.

Then, if you have decided you're not going to keep the gift; maybe you've chosen to re-gift it or donate it, I would check every single pocket or section of the present very carefully, in case someone has slipped a message or an extra gift in there.

I think you then have several options. You can find a way of re-gifting it that is meaningful to you, for example donating the gift to a charity that is close to your heart. In my opinion, nothing is ever too good to give to a charity shop, so find one that means something to you or the person who gave you the gift.

Right now, a lot of food banks are taking non-food products. Many programs very much need children's toys, clothes, or household items. They often appreciate toiletries, so those gift-wrapped boxes of shower gels, bath salts, and shampoos, which we often receive in excess at Christmas, could be a great donation.

You could choose to give away your gift on platforms like Olio or Freecycle, which are fantastic apps and allow users, who have a surplus of food or items they no longer need, to donate to other people.

Or, if you are extremely brave, you could tell the person you don't want to keep the gift. You can tell them you really appreciate the gift, but you actually have a surplus of bath salts or candles, so they may be better off re-gifting them or donating them. In my view, it's a very positive thing; it's not discarding or rejecting the present.

Easy steps everyone can take

In my eyes, the absolute best thing to do is to take pre-emptive action. Let your family and friends know in advance what you do and don't need before they buy the gift. For example, if you need a new winter coat or are saving up for a new boiler and would like a contribution to that, let them know.

In fact, I am going to a Christmas party where the family have told me in advance that they're saving up for a trip. So we have all been invited, if we choose, to make a contribution to that, which I am happy to do. It's much easier for me than having to go shopping and buy something they may or may not like.

I am really proud that the last time I celebrated a birthday, I did not receive any "stuff" from my friends or family. I was taken out to lovely restaurants, I went on a special trip, I did a cookery course and had all sorts of experiences. But I didn't end up with any clutter.

I believe our attitude towards shopping, gifts and material objects in general start when we are very young. I feel, as a society, we teach our children how to shop and how to use money, but there is less of an emphasis on how to let things go and donating things to charity.

I feel we can start to cut down on mass consumption by talking to children, telling them that, yes, it's lovely to give presents and give gifts, but it's also okay to part from things we no longer need or want. We should be clear that it's not a negative thing, it can actually be in honor of your values; supporting charities, helping people who are less privileged, and taking care of the planet.

Juliet Landau-Pope is a London-based professional declutter coach and the author of two books titled 'Being More Productive' and 'Clearing Your Clutter'. You can visit her website here.

All views expressed in this article are the author's own.

As told to Newsweek editor, Monica Greep.

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