I Can't Keep Saving My Sister-In-Law From Homelessness—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I am 79 years old. My sister-in-law is 70. My brother and the woman he was introduced to lived miles apart in two different cities.

They were introduced by some fellows who knew both of them. One day my brother announced to our family that he was getting married, although we never met the woman.

My brother moved to the city where his wife lived, which was over 500 miles from his family. Our families only got together a couple of times before my mother passed away.

After our mother passed away, they moved out of state to where my sister lived and she allowed them to stay with her until they could find jobs and move into an apartment. It didn't take long before the sister-in-law started to take some liberties involving my sister's house and personal belongings while my sister was at work and without my sister's permission.

It angered my sister a great deal. I flew up to my sister's home to help in finding housing for my brother and his wife. My sister-in-law started behaving even stranger as time went by, and my brother was fired from a job because he had to take her to work with him.

Things started to get worse. More and more, she exhibited strange behavior mentally—like hearing threats. She heard people make them from behind a wall. She has also told me that there is someone in rooms with her when she is by herself—even though she does not see the supposed person.

She talked my brother into moving several states north from the state where my sister lived. They struggled financially. My brother was taken to a hospital and eventually died from COVID.

That left my sister-in-law homeless. The hospital asked a shelter to take her in. She stayed at the shelter a little over two years. She had a mental delusional episode at the shelter and was sent to the hospital. After evaluating her, the hospital discharged her, sending her back to the shelter.

The staff at the shelter said she could not go back there. So, now, she had no place to go and was homeless. She is 70 years old. My sister passed away in 2014, so the sister-in-law called me. I live 1,800 miles away. Before my sister passed away, my brother constantly called her to talk about issues with his wife.

My sister-in- law has no contact with her blood relatives. When she called me to tell me she had no place to go, I started putting her up in hotels so that she could at least get a free breakfast.

I planned to fly up to check on her in January 2024, but there was still the problem of her not having housing. So, for four months I have been paying for her to stay in four different hotels—trying to find the cheapest hotel I could find. There are two more months left for me to pay for housing before I go up to check on her in January.

I have now spent $10,000 out of my income of social security benefits to prevent her from being homeless. I am 79 and I have health problems. I'm retired and living on fixed income. I have been spending hours on the internet looking up organizations in the state and county where my sister-in-law lives and contacting social services by email and telephone calls.

My sister-in-law has a cell phone. I told her that she should also make phone calls to try to get help. I can no longer use my retirement money to help her.

My sister-in-law receives her deceased husband's social security benefits, but it is not much. Because she and her husband were struggling financially, Social Security assigned them a representative payee, a company that has control of my sister-in-law's money.

The company had been paying the shelter where she previously stayed monthly rent out of her social security benefits and put a small amount on her debit card for her to purchase personal items.

However, she left the shelter the middle of August 2023. In another month my sister-in-law will become homeless if agencies place her on a long waiting list for housing.

Ruth, Florida

'Don't Help Others To Your Own Detriment'

Kara Kushnir is the clinical director and founder of A Work of Heart Counseling.

This person sounds so well-meaning, and I think this draws an example of a time when someone feels responsible for someone else as we hate to see others suffer. Still, feeling responsible and actually being responsible are two different things.

That said, helping others to our own detriment is not a healthy approach, and the poster being considerate about their own needs is more than valid. Various social service agencies exist to support her sister-in-law, but if she is unwilling to connect with those resources, it may prove challenging. And yet, it is not the poster's responsibility to see her through.

From what she is saying, it sounds like her sister-in-law may suffer from a mental illness. She may be eligible for Medicaid, which could also secure long-term care and, as a result, access to housing and medical care. By the same token, since she has a representative payee, I wonder if a social worker or case manager at the shelter could link her to these services.

Additionally, I wonder if the shelter is still receiving funding for her sister-in-law. If so, finding out about this and addressing it is important since sister-in-law is not residing in the shelter and they should not be receiving funding for her.

When our loved ones pass away, we often feel immense responsibility for the well-being of others connected to them and this can lead to resentment and burnout. There is value in doing what you can, not doing it all.

I would encourage Ruth to consider how she can set a boundary with herself on how much support she is providing and connect her sister-in-law to the resources she needs so she can take a step back.

'Try Setting New Boundaries'

Dr. Chloe Carmichael is a clinical psychologist based in New York. She holds a doctorate in clinical psychology from Long Island University and a BA in psychology from Columbia University.

It sounds like you have been through quite a journey with your sister-in-law and brother. This may be a situation where the more you extend yourself, the more you enable self-destructive behavior from your sister-in-law.

It sounds like you have been more than generous with her in terms of your finances, as well as your time and effort to encourage her to find her own self-reliance or connect her with agencies dedicated to people in her situation.

Given that you have two months more where you have committed to paying towards her needs, this might be an appropriate time to tell her firmly that as a 79-year-old woman on a fixed income you will be unable to provide any further assistance beyond that point.

The history you have shared suggests that she may test your resolve in setting this limit. You may need to consider the "broken record technique" where you simply respond to any attempts to push past your boundary with a prescribed and repetitive answer like: "Sue, I'm very sorry but as I've explained previously I'm unable to provide any further assistance."

If you fear that she may place undue pressure on you with manipulative or dramatic tactics, consider asking a trusted friend or family member to join any calls and/or contact her to reinforce your boundary. Alternatively, ask your local elder abuse agency to intervene on your behalf.

Since it sounds like all of your interactions with her seem to be a one-way street where she's just trying to get something out of you without any genuine effort on her part towards a mutually fulfilling relationship, you might even consider telling her that you will block her number if she seems unable or unwilling to respect your boundaries.

To manage any feelings of guilt, you might consider re-sharing with her the list of social services resources you have already kindly assembled, and remember that overextending ourselves to enable someone else's irresponsible and selfish behavior is actually not good for that person.

Learning to take responsibility for ourselves is a hard lesson, but it is ultimately more productive than taking advantage of other people (which is what it sounds like you feel she is doing to you and others in her life).

Wishing you all the best, and thank you again for reaching out to Newsweek.