I Have a Crush on My Boss, I Feel Like Quitting My Job—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I have developed feelings for my female boss. I have been at my current job for a year and a half now, since October 2021, and I thought my boss was attractive from the first moment I met her. When I started this job I was coming out of a very dark time in my life after my father died and I had been unemployed for three years, so I never thought for a second that I had a chance with her.

I knew it would never happen because she was my boss, and my goal was to focus on my role and responsibilities as diligently as possible and do the job as best I can.

Things were going alright and I felt like I had successfully acclimated to my work environment and proved that I was reliable, and I was getting along well with my colleagues. I am the youngest on my team, who are all female, except for my boss, who I found out is three years younger than me.

As the months went by, I became closer with my boss. Sometimes we would talk about work and the conversation just mutually transitioned to personal topics as if we were both trying to get to know each other better. The more I learned about her, the more I realized I was starting to have feelings for her. I found out we had so much in common in terms of our lifestyle, upbringing, and hobbies.

I began to subtly flirt with her. It wasn't intentional and I had no purpose of hitting on her whatsoever. I just wanted to make her laugh and be cute and funny, and I think her reactions were genuine. I began to bring chocolates and snacks in to work, and after I brought her these cookies that she liked, she even joked a few days later asking me, "where are my cookies?" Once I baked a cake and when she asked me if there was any left, I'm sure she made eyes at me and was flirting.

After some time, I found out that she had actually been dating someone else for months, and I have to admit that it hurt, and I haven't found myself able to get over the disappointment and missed opportunity. I have been carrying these feelings around for six months now and I can't seem to move on and I always end up thinking about her, every hour and even in my dreams, almost everything reminds me of her. I can't sleep, and dread going to work because I don't want to see her, and I go out of my way to avoid her. I have even flat out ignored her at times. I know that this is really immature but I can't help it. I've tried therapy but so far, no improvement.

The situation has gotten so bad that I have been contemplating resigning, but I don't really want to quit. I like my job as I work four days a week and my commute is only 10 minutes, even though I can feel my health deteriorating.

D.B., Unknown

You Were as Open With Your Feelings as You Could Be

Peter Lobl is a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues with adults and couples, with a private practice in New York City.

Working with colleagues oftentimes means getting to know them very well and learning to appreciate their capabilities and trust their support. It is not uncommon for colleagues to develop romantic feelings for one another.

When you began your job, you found your boss attractive right away, but focused on establishing yourself at work. Eventually, some flirtatious behavior from you—and from her—suggested the relationship could become something more. It sounds like news of her dating someone else was both hurtful and unexpected; perhaps this news has kept you wondering if things could have turned out differently if only you had shared your feelings sooner or more openly.

In reading your letter however, I thought you were as open with your feelings as you could be within an office context. Had your boss taken the step to share openly her feelings for you (assuming she also had such feelings), she would have potentially jeopardized her job—maybe even her career. These days, many employers will respond decisively and swiftly to bosses who make moves on their direct reports.

You wrote you don't want to leave your job and that you like it there. I understand the work hours and the commute time are great. It also sounds like your job has been a very positive experience and has helped you recover from a "very dark time" including the passing of your father.

If you currently "dread going to work" however, then it isn't such a positive place anymore. Every time you go to the office, you are also trying to anticipate, prepare for, and cope with the distress of seeing your boss. No wonder you dread going to work: going to work keeps you thinking about your boss all day long.

While a new job carries its own risks, you also wouldn't have to deal with the stress of unexpectedly bumping into your boss. Not dealing with this stress would probably help you think of her less often. Plus, you might also feel freer to stay in contact with her outside of the office and to share your feelings for her more openly. If she also has feelings for you and things don't work out with her dating, she would no longer be your boss, and you would be able to date each other openly.

Get Into a State of Positive Momentum

Emyli Lovz is a male dating expert and coach and co-founder at EmLovz, a dating advice company.

Being attracted to a boss is difficult because you have to manage intense unrequited feelings while also seeing them every day, maintaining a pleasant relationship. When we can't have something we want, it can cause us to hyperfocus on that thing, making it difficult to complete tasks, perform at our best and even to function normally. This experience is magnified exponentially when it takes place at work because we can't distance ourselves. Unfortunately, there cannot truly be consent when there is a power dynamic at play, plus you both run the risk of losing your job if you engage and it sounds like she is already in a relationship.

In order to diffuse your energy and increase your confidence, I recommend a tactic I call mega dating. It is the proprietary dating philosophy I teach where you date multiple partners in a short period of time (ideally going on 20 dates in 90 days). Dating in rapid succession like this allows you to refocus your energy so it's not so laser-focused on one woman. Mega dating naturally creates an abundance mindset, giving you a plethora of options. When you focus your energy outward on other new people, it allows you to release the frustrations you're feeling about not being able to be with that one particular person you can't have anyway. It goes without saying that dating multiple people does not give you the right to be disrespectful, and transparency and respect are a must. As a byproduct, it may also improve your workplace experience.

This may feel difficult in the current state that you're in so I would take it in baby steps. Any actions taken in a forward direction will allow you to get out of your head and into a state of positive momentum.