I Cried at My Gender Reveal Because I Don't Want a Son–What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, My wife, 31, and I, 30, were having a gender reveal for our first child. My wife doesn't mind what gender the baby is. She just wanted to get a few friends and family together for a small party, and she was under the impression that I felt the same.

Neither of us were interested in doing anything big, we just had a friend to read out the letter and reveal the gender.

I didn't tell my wife this, but I was really hoping for a daughter instead of a son, so when it was revealed that we'll be having a boy, it really upset me. I didn't want to ruin the day though, so I just tried to act normal and celebrate with my wife and the family.

Later on, after everyone had left, I was alone in our room while my wife was downstairs. I was sitting on the bed and just started crying. I don't often cry, I think it's a waste of my time and unnecessary, but I was just really panicking.

I really wanted a daughter because my dad was really awful to me and he messed me up a lot. So I'm scared that I will be the same to my son. I don't want to mess my son up like my dad did to me. I've been scared about turning into my dad since before I met my wife. The big reason I didn't want kids originally was in case I treated them how he treated me.

My wife walked in on me crying and I tried to explain why without talking about my dad much, because she doesn't know anything about what my dad was like. She told me that I was selfish and called me a few other things, then told me to sleep on the couch. She hasn't really been the same with me since, she's still really annoyed. What should I do?

Zac, New Jersey

Unless You Open Up to Your Wife, She Will Not Understand

Dr. Shauna Springer, chief psychologist at Stella Center is an author, keynote speaker, and a leading expert on psychological trauma, suicide prevention and relationships.

When the gender was revealed, you were immediately sucked into the darkness of your childhood trauma. This was an involuntary response in your body and brain. When this happened, I would guess that you may have experienced intrusive, distressing memories of the ways you were damaged over many years. I wouldn't be surprised if you even substituted yourself in the place of your father in some of these private trauma movies.

While you were battling your past, you were feigning joy to support your wife and conceal your state of distress. You may have held on—by a thread—in that storm of emotions, but you were in a place of deep suffering. Your response at the party and subsequent tears tell me that your worst fear is to be like your dad.

People who suffer in childhood either repeat the patterns they experienced, or they move in a radically opposite direction. There are two factors that predict whether you will break bad or break healthy. The first is whether you dread the idea of repeating the pattern or are oblivious to it.

What you're telling me is that your biggest fear is to repeat the trauma you experienced. That's the thing you'll work hard to avoid. Here are three things you can take action on to break healthy:

• Address your trauma. Healing from the impact of trauma will be critical to moving in a healthy direction.
• Get clear on your compass. Think about the kind of father you would be if you were having a daughter. What qualities would you have if you were not triggered by your past trauma? Think about the kinds of things you will do, and the kinds of things you will not do to any child you might raise.
• Find some mentors. There are many resources to help new parents. Are there people in your circle that have a parenting approach you admire? Ask them if they'd be willing to help mentor and guide you. There's no substitute for real-time input when you're in the midst of a difficult parenting phase.

I was moved to hear that you expressed tears. Your fear and sadness is love in disguise and a powerful statement of intention to break the trauma cycle. Unless you open up to your wife, she will not understand and you'll both continue to stay emotionally distant from each other.

I would encourage you to take a risk and share your letter with her as well as my response and then talk this through together. You need to be a united team as you become parents, you must not let this misunderstanding continue to divide you.

Can't Be Fully Loved Without Being Fully Known

Kaitlin Soule is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma and modern parenting. She has helped many consider how their childhood impacts the way they parent and consciously choose a different narrative for their own family.

It's important you know that the fact you are feeling this fear and giving voice to it means that you are already a loving, caring, and conscious parent. Two things are true here; many people who had difficult or traumatic childhoods go on to be wonderful parents and, yet, without working through the effects that their childhood had on them, raising children can feel even harder than it already is.

Oftentimes people need help unpacking the stuff they are holding onto from childhood so they can become the parent that they want to be. I highly recommend finding a professional in your area who can help you through the process. While it might feel daunting or even scary to dig up stuff from the past, professionals are trained to do it in a way that is safe and effective.

When it comes to your wife, I would venture to say that if she had a better understanding of what you're experiencing, she would be supportive and loving. It often feels hard to share the truth with the people we love the most because we're afraid we will scare them away. But the truth is, we can't be fully loved without being fully known.

All that to say, have a conversation with your wife about what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. If that feels too hard to do, or you're not sure where to start, reach out for professional help. While I think individual therapy would be really helpful, couple's work might also be beneficial to help you and your wife have this important conversation and manage triggers as they come up.

If you hear anything from this letter, I hope it's this: everybody has needs, but the most important and commonly unmet need is to be seen and loved for who we really are. You won't be a perfect parent to your son (no parent is), but so long as you remember your son's need to be seen and loved unconditionally, you will be the perfect dad.