My In-Laws Exclude My Autistic Son Every Week—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I have four children, all with the same father, aged 11, 7, 6, 2. My two older children are both allowed/invited to grandma's every week, going on vacations up to three times a year if not more. My 6-year-old and 2-year-old are invited only for Christmas Eve, maybe a movie night once a year.

This is a problem for me, and it's caused a divide among us. My 6-year-old, who happens to have autism, definitely notices, and is completely confused about why he's not invited. About two months ago, the other two were picked up by their grandma from school. He had to come home with me while they went off with grandma, and he's been on strike ever since and I don't blame him.

I feel completely awful about the whole thing, he definitely needs and deserves the attention of the rest of the family. Support is what really helps special needs children to break some of these social barriers. I've tried to bring this up and have defended my son countless times, but it all boils down to "grandma is getting old (57) and is unable to handle Shawn when/if he has a tantrum."

I get it at times it can be very overwhelming and he's a flight risk, so we definitely have to take precautions. I'm willing to go as a shadow for my 6-year-old, so he can still have the ability to get closer to his blood family. Still, no invite. Even worse, he hasn't been willing to attend school ever since that afternoon with grandma. What is best for my kids?"

Michelle, Unknown

Her Behavior Isn't Healthy

Bethany Cook, who holds a doctorate of psychology, is a licensed clinical psychologist and the author of 'For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting Ages 0–2.'

Parenting is the hardest job in the world with minimal social support. The "village" structure our ancestors thrived in has been replaced with hired strangers who are disconnected.

You are not alone in your struggle. Even villagers (family) can add chaos under the guise of "helping," creating more work and emotional damage than support. This whole experience is incredibly frustrating and disheartening. I am sorry, I see you.

Let's focus on what happened at school. This "snapshot" highlights the psychological damage Grandma's repeated rejection causes and why he is struggling to go back there. When Grandma publicly shunned him, his brain processed her actions as a threat to his survival.

His thoughts became disorganized, creating a negative emotional association between school and extreme pain. The really important thing to know about social rejection is it is experienced in the same part of the brain that processes physical pain.

The need for social connection and acceptance is in our DNA. The thought of school sends his brain into survival mode and he isn't able to function from his "logical brain," so he "runs" (flight).

Here are several options you can pursue that will benefit your family system:

1. Identify healthy family boundaries (with spouse) to set with Grandma. The boundaries should be equitable and inclusive for all grandkids. This may include you shadowing.
2. Educate Grandma on specific strategies you and the school use to manage his behaviors. Don't forget to explain the reward system so Grandma can offer positive reinforcement.
3. Create new "positive associations" with school. If Grandma "gets her act together" maybe she can drop off and collect him from school for a few days.
4. Seek out family therapy to specifically process how this divide has impacted each member and the system as a whole.
5. Offer individual therapy for the older two children. When one sibling requires "extra attention" it can elicit a complex emotional state.
6. Offer individual therapy for your son. His experiences with Grandma specifically need to be processed.
7. Ask Grandma to go to therapy to work on her interpersonal skills and communication styles. Her behavior isn't "typical/healthy," so if she refuses to seek help, you decide if you want any of your children spending time alone with her?
8. Identify what will refuel you, then go do it.

You got this Momma bear!

Your Son's Hurt Feelings Are Valid

Ashleigh Evans is a board certified behavior analyst specializing in services for children with autism.

Let me start by saying this sounds like a difficult situation for all of you and I'm so sorry. Your feelings of frustration and your son's hurt feelings from being left out are valid. I can also understand that Grandma may struggle with handling all of the children together, but I would recommend a few strategies to work through this as a family.

First, if your son is receiving any behavioral therapy to address the tantrums and the flight risk, ask your care provider about caregiver coaching. I would involve Grandma in the caregiver coaching sessions, so she can learn strategies for preventing and responding to challenges like meltdowns and running off.

Perhaps some coaching sessions could even be provided in Grandma's home, so the therapist can provide personalized recommendations about setting the environment up for success.

If your child is not receiving therapy, I would still recommend looking into caregiver coaching or family support that Grandma can be involved in. This may help Grandma feel more confident in her ability to support your son's needs.

Next, see if Grandma would consider setting up a weekly or biweekly date with your son, with your supervision. I would encourage you to not have the other children present, so Grandma can provide undivided attention to your son and work on developing a relationship with him. Allowing the two of them to build a rapport—with your support if challenges arise—could help Grandma feel more at ease and help resolve his hurt feelings.

Once everyone is feeling more comfortable, hopefully, you can all develop a long-term plan that allows all four of the children to receive love and attention from Grandma. It may be too overwhelming for her to have all four of them over at once, but perhaps alternating weekends with two at a time would be a fair compromise.

Lastly, if you try talking to Grandma and recommend the strategies above, but she is still unwilling to put in any effort to spend time with your son, it would not be unreasonable to consider reducing the time your other children spend with Grandma.

That isn't a decision I encourage lightly, as it can have an impact on your other kids. However, it is unfair to continue allowing the older kids to have weekly visits, if Grandma is not willing to make an effort to include your son, even with support and guidance.