My Wife Has Been Cheating on Me for 12 Years—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, my wife and I have been together for 34 years, and married for 32 years. I'm now 51, and she is 53. We had kids young, I was 18, and we married when I was 19. We had our share of ups and downs through the years but I always felt our love for each was strong. In 2009, just 2 months short of our 20th wedding anniversary, I caught my wife having affair.

I started to notice there was something off with my wife about six weeks before I found out about the affair. I was going through a very difficult bout of depression during the months of her affair, I have suffered from depression for most of my life and when I was 42 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I grew suspicious and I began looking for clues. At one point I checked her phone log and noticed how often she was talking to her sister, it seemed pretty extreme. I also noticed her sister's name with a different number associated with it. When I asked her about it she claimed it was her sister's business number, which was possible in her line of work, but she got very defensive when I asked about it.

I continued to look for clues for weeks until one day, I finally caught her. I came home from work one night and while my wife was sleeping I checked her phone messages and found that her lover left her a detailed message. My heart was broken. I woke her up to confront her and she admitted that she had only talked to another man, and it wasn't sexual. At that point I was absolutely devastated, I was completely out of it, dazed and confused. I wanted to believe her when she said it wasn't sexual, but I didn't. I have to be honest I have never felt so hurt and betrayed in all my life. The trust I had with my wife was now gone.

My life was rocked for well over a year, I'm surprised I didn't lose my job because I was completely out if it and it was all I could think about. Over the course of that time frame I asked her over and over if the affair was sexual? She swore it wasn't. I had my doubts, but I started to believe her. After a year I finally started to move on with my life, it wasn't pain free but I was functioning again.

Since the beginning when I first found out and for the last decade, I have asked her repeatedly whether the affair was sexual, and she stood by her story. It helped me to hear her say it wasn't even though I was not 100 percent convinced. Well, a week after our 30th anniversary I asked her once again and she finally admitted there was one time event where it was sexual. Everything happened except intercourse. This was incredibly upsetting to hear, it would have been better if everything had come out at the same time, but 12 years of being lied to has really affected me.

Up until this point my wife was the most trusted person in my life. Now the trust in my marriage feels shattered. Since she admitted the sexual nature of the affair in 2021 there is not one day that goes by that I don't think about this. It really hurts, more so than when I found out at age 16 my dad was not my real father. I never thought the pain I went through with that could ever be matched. My wife's affair was far worse. I love my wife dearly and hope the trust can be restored and in time our relationship will heal, I just don't know how.

Unknown, Wisconsin

I Know Trust Can Indeed Be Restored

Peter Lobl is a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues with adults and couples, with a private practice in New York City.

Hello Keith and thanks for your letter and for sharing this deeply painful aspect of your marriage.

As you mentioned, you would have preferred to learn about the affair all at once. Instead, you learned about it over time, first with the emotional affair and then with the heart wrenching revelations 12 years later. I read that you love your wife; that you hope trust can be restored; and that "in time" the relationship will heal. As a therapist who also works with couples, I know trust can indeed be restored and that a marriage can heal even after an affair that has been as painful as this one has been.

In my experience however, "time" will not by itself restore that trust or bring about healing. Restored trust and healing can however develop when both spouses are willing to understand what led to the affair and are willing to learn and hear about the pain the affair caused.

In this process, the spouse with the affair explains why they made such a hurtful decision, while the other spouse listens and tries to understand their account. The spouse hurt by the affair also shares as openly as possible the layers of sorrow they experienced, while the spouse with the affair listens and receives as fully as possible the emotional pain their spouse has endured.

Because this process involves such significant emotional labor, I strongly recommend that a couple not attempt such a process on their own. Delving into such powerful emotions in the absence of professional facilitation and support can quickly become counter-productive.

If you haven't already, consider contacting a mental health provider who specializes in working with couples, like a marriage and family therapist. You should also confirm with the Department of Safety and Professional Services that the provider is duly licensed in the State of Wisconsin.

Though therapy now often occurs online, I also recommend you and your spouse meet with a couple's therapist in-person given what's at stake; the duration of your marriage; and the love you have for your wife. I hope you find this helpful.

That Is an Incredibly Traumatic and Horrible Deceit

Jamie Schenk DeWitt, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice based in Los Angeles.

Dear Keith,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing another massive betrayal by a woman in your life that you loved and trusted. The first betrayal seems to have happened when you discovered that the man who raised you as your father was not your biological father. That is an incredibly traumatic and horrible deceit to experience and can definitely disrupt your ability to trust and feel secure. I wonder if or how you healed and repaired that rupture with your family?

Concerning the situation with your wife, if she is willing to go to couples therapy, run don't walk to a skilled couples therapist and start working on the ruptures and rebuilding trust. The relationship you had with your wife for more than 30 years has in some regards come to an end and it is time to grieve, understand how what happened occurred, and figure out if there is a path forward for a new, trustworthy and secure relationship to emerge. The question now is, is she willing to be honest, direct, and authentic with you and a therapist in order to do the hard work of looking back, being honest and accountable in order to create a solid and even healthier partnership.

Also, I wonder if by engaging with couples therapy with your wife, you will also grieve and heal the rupture and betrayal from early childhood that occurred so many years ago in your family of origin? Life is filled with enactments where we repeat patterns and dynamics in order to try and repair what couldn't be healed in childhood. I hope that you get the change and honesty that you are looking for, as well as happiness in your marriage.