My In-Laws Won't Respect the Boundaries Set for Our Baby—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, We've had a lot of issues with grandparents on both sides and it's starting to affect our relationship.

My fiancé and I have a two-year-old daughter, and we started to prepare our families for how we wanted things when I was pregnant, to give them plenty of time to adjust.

We don't feel our wishes were far-fetched, but we had a major request about pictures. We don't want our kid to grow up with a camera constantly in her face and pictures posted. So, we told everyone to ask before taking pictures and limit when they do.

We also said we don't want any pictures on social media, and we must give consent to what pictures are sent, and who to. We wish to receive any photos or videos taken of our child.

Only one of the grandparents has been able to follow through. The others have been constantly filming and taking pictures and haven't sent us half of what they've taken.

We also asked them to respect that we needed time to ourselves after I gave birth. We asked for at least 1-2 weeks to get adjusted before any visitors. This was in the middle of COVID, therefore we asked them to respect the 1-meter rule at the time.

My in-laws tried to corner us as we came home from the hospital because they had to see. My fiancé told them to go home, but a few days later my mother showed up.

They were constantly calling and sending messages, complaining about wanting to visit and talking about how awful it was to only see pictures. It seemed like they were trying to guilt trip us into letting them in before we were ready.

Last time we visited my in-laws, it was agreed that dinner would be served at 4 p.m. because our daughter's bedtime is between 6 and 7 p.m. When dinnertime came, one guest was missing, so they decided to change the plan without notifying us.

We also asked that the family dog be kept somewhere else in the house or not be there at all because it has tried to bite our daughter. This was ignored, so we tried to ask them to remove the dog, which they ignored still.

My MIL took my daughter from the table because she decided it was time to open our gift for our daughter. I tried to stop her, but again I was ignored. We should have just left but we were supposed to sleep over, and it was late. So instead, I took my daughter and went to bed.

In the morning, my FIL snuck into our room because he decided to take our dog out (not the aforementioned dog). I feel disgusted that an adult came into my room while I'm sleeping. He didn't knock or offer to take our dog out the night before. If he had, I could have said I'm not comfortable with that.

It's got to the point where I don't feel comfortable around them and try to keep contact to a minimum. I don't want to see my in-laws, which hurts my fiancé and puts a strain on our relationship. He thinks I should forgive them, but I don't think I'll be able to move on unless I get guarantees they will try to change their behavior.

Anne, Norway

Personal Boundaries Are Being Violated

Kara Kays is a licensed marriage therapist and regional clinic director with Thriveworks, offering mental health services in person and online.

Dear reader, Parenting and managing relationships can be a tedious balancing act. When entering a new life phase, each person undergoes emotional and cognitive changes which are complex and can change relationships with those around them.

Giving yourself and those around you some grace can decrease the emotional experience you're having. While the goal is not to dismiss the concerns or emotions, look to understand and find common ground.

The overarching common ground is that everyone in this family wants to be involved in the child's life. They all want to be involved, which is the basis of love, and also of the conflict. Searching to find the common goal and establishing an understanding of how to reach this goal will provide relief.

There are several issues being outlined in your letter: boundaries, respect and love.

Personal boundaries are being violated throughout these experiences. A boundary is set and there's a hope someone will follow it. However, the expectation to follow the boundary is being placed on the person receiving it. In reality, it's the responsibility of the person setting the boundary to hold firm.

Something you can do is reconsider the boundaries and set yourself up for success. If there's no way to hold a boundary, develop a more concrete one.

Respect is challenged on both sides of this relationship. The grandparents want to be involved, but the way they're being involved doesn't work, and as a result your needs aren't being valued. Identify what you want this relationship to look like and develop expectations and boundaries that will help the relationship rather than placing roadblocks.

Remember, people are not mind readers, so for an expectation to be met there must be mutual agreement. Hold space for an open and honest conversation. Recognize the difference between a rule, expectation and a boundary. Discuss these with your partner to decide where each behavior falls, then decide how to proceed with family and friends.

Love is the precursor, and everyone appears to want a relationship with each other. No relationship is perfect, it can require time and energy to develop a healthy understanding within your family.

You May Be Grieving the Loss of a Respectful In-Law Relationship

Emily Morehead is a psychotherapist specializing in perinatal mental health, and co-owner of The Couch Therapy.

Dear reader, I hear the push-pull of wanting to honor the relationship you want your daughter to have with your in-laws, and the strain it's putting on the relationship with your fiancé. I also hear that you may be grieving the ambiguous loss of an in-law relationship that's respectful and supportive.

As the parent, you are setting expectations in your family with decisions to protect the mental, emotional, and cyber safety of your child. The goal of protecting your daughter should shape your in-laws' understanding of your needs.

Unfortunately, they might not be willing to listen to why you believe in these boundaries. If they don't listen to you or understand your needs, they're choosing to not support a healthy relationship with your child and family.

I hear that you've been intentional in setting your boundaries. They've each been mindfully decided and centered around protecting your family. But the disrespect from your in-laws, and feelings of incongruence with your fiancé, has created a disjointed feeling.

It could be valuable to talk with your fiancé about both of your experiences surrounding family cultures. How were boundaries, emotions, feelings, and experiences validated in each of your families?

What would you do differently and what do you appreciate about your family cultures? What's your goal for the family culture you are creating, and how could boundaries support the goal?