My Sister Is My Mom's Favorite, But I'm Her Main Carer—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I have been the caregiver for our mother for almost two years now. If you had told me six years ago that I would be in the position, I would have laughed.

I am the oldest child of four. My mom's favorite daughter is coming down from Alaska to spend time with her and her other friends and family. She is only talking to mom, who is in the beginning stage of dementia. I have texted her and have asked for a more specific date, but she will only vaguely say "the last half of March".

It would be nice if she fine-tuned the dates, but refuses to do so with me. This is what she does every time she comes to see mom, I never know what's going on until the day of her arrival.

For over 20 years, my mom and I hardly spoke. We were only civil at family functions. Seven years ago, our dad died. They had been divorced and later remarried. Things really took a huge turn in our family after that. I was the main caregiver for our dad, by choice. My youngest brother helped when he could. Him and mom do not speak at all. Mom was an abusive person and not much of a mom to him, and he has not been able to forgive her.

She has refused to acknowledge or blocked out her past of abuse with us. Dad was a long-haul truck driver who was rarely home and had many affairs that I have since learned about. My other brother just got out of prison this past fall where he has spent the last 30 years. He would like to be in the position to help, but he needs to get back on his feet right now. My sister, who is 18 months younger than me, is our mom's favorite.

She could do no wrong in mom's eye growing up and even to this day. My mom admitted recently that my sister is her favorite and that she realizes now how my sister is not always a nice person, but mom never stands up to her. My sister always told everybody that dad was my responsibility and that mom was her responsibility. She has never stepped up to follow through with those words, but that doesn't surprise me. This is my dilemma!

Recently, my husband and I had a tree fall down on our house. We temporarily moved in with my in-laws. We will be here for about a year while our house gets put back together. Mom will be in the guest bedroom and us in a camper trailer. My mom is a chain smoker. Luckily, she will go outside to smoke, but that is about as far as that goes. Between three dogs, my mom, husband and the in-laws, anxiety ran high in the house.

Last week, I offered to take my mom down to stay at my dad's house which is three hours away and that I have been maintaining for the last seven years, per dad's wish to have a place for my brother if he ever gets out of prison. I have rearranged my two jobs so that I can travel down weekly to be with mom. During the rest of the week, I have arranged for a caregiver and my neighbors at the house to check in on mom.

My sister called the other day and I overheard her conversation with mom and she is planning to come to the house and spend time with mom moving into the house or whatever she needs. I am having a fit with it. I have no problem with her spending time with mom—but it is my house. I have scheduled for myself, the caregiver and my neighbors to watch my mom. I feel that out of respect for us, that she has no right to just show up when she wants and stay in my house.

I am paying people to do this. If she would give me dates, I wouldn't be so upset, because then I could schedule us around the dates. I am responsible for our mom. I look at this like a single parent looking after their child. Where parents have rights and responsibilities to each other for the best of the child, who is our mom.

Am I wrong to be so upset, that I am to the point where I want to move mom back up to the in-laws, where my sister can't show up at their house and do what she wants?

Here is the reason why things took such a big turn, our nephew had a wedding where our sister pretty much left my mom and her husband sitting at the reception table by themselves as she went to invite herself to a part of the wedding party.

I went and sat with them. We weren't really speaking at this point as mom asked if I really wanted to sit with them as she was poison. I held my composure as I excused myself and went to the car and cried. My sister already had tried to exclude me from the family pictures, so I was already hurting.

Ronna, Oregon

Lose the Emotional Baggage

Lisa Strohman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, author, public speaker and the founder and director of Digital Citizen Academy. The academy works to prevent and educate students, and parents on the issues resulting from technology misuse. As a clinical psychologist, Strohman has spent more than a decade working with adolescents and families in her private practice in Arizona.

You can't have it both ways. If you have relied on the belief that you are going to be responsible for dad and that your sister will take care of your mom, and then she is showing up to take care of her then you are getting what you wanted and depended on.

To take the opinion that you aren't taking care of her the way that I want you to misses the point that this woman, a mother that may or may not have been the most loving, still deserves to have dignity in her later life.

Focusing on the 'how' versus having grace in the moment of letting her sister take this responsibility, even if it means allowing the caretaker sister to live in the home, is focusing far too much on the emotional baggage she is having about the past disappointments that she personally has with her sibling.

Focus on Empathizing With Each Other

Dr. Carole Lieberman is an internationally-renowned psychiatrist and author. She has also served as a member of UCLA's clinical faculty, in the department of psychiatry.

To say that you have a "dysfunctional family" is an understatement. It's tempting to advise you to all move in together so that you could have ongoing family therapy.

But, this would probably not work logistically and there would be a lot of drama before the therapist could get you to all be nice to each other. Still, you and your family do need therapy to try to stop the painful childhood memories from continuing to feed the resentments you have for one another. And you could do this with a therapist via Zoom—with two or three family members at a time.

Undoubtedly, your mother's abuse and your father's absence and philandering created the dysfunction of all your siblings, and you have all been punished enough. So, it's time to try to bring some joy into the family and have empathy for each other's suffering, from a brother who was in jail to a sister who moved to Alaska, to your sacrificing to be the caretaker of your parents.

It would be helpful if you acknowledged your jealousy of your sister for being the favorite, and how this has shaped your resentful attitude towards her. This is not to say that it wouldn't be more thoughtful of her to give you specific dates of her visit, but just let it go.

Similarly, since your mother is in early dementia and probably doesn't remember many episodes of her abuse, you should try to let your resentment towards her go, too. It is very generous of you to take care of her. And the anticipation of the good karma that you will get from this should help you to get through it.