My Girlfriend Dumped Me After Hearing I Wanted To Propose—What Should I Do?

Dear Newsweek, I'm in my 40's and had been in a relationship for going on 9 years. After my mom died in 2020, it got me thinking about life, happiness, and love. So I started planning this beautiful getaway where I was going to propose to my girlfriend. She found out and ended our relationship. I tried talking to her but her mind is set. She simply said: "This isn't working."

We have a vehicle together, which she now has, and because it's at her parent's house, she kicked me out within a week. Now I have nothing. Living in and out of shelters and sleeping on family members' couches. I'm on disability (mental health issues and Aphasia [having difficulty with language and speech]), but I was in the process of going to school and getting a job. I was going to school to be a nutritionist and certified personal trainer but I had to quit.

Everything came to a halt—no car, no home, no money, no hope. I'm not sure why or what I did that was so wrong [in life with her in general].

Just to provide some more background, I moved from out of state to her elderly parents house a couple of years ago to help them with whatever they needed help with. Cleaning, remodeling parts of the house, yard work, shopping, etc. And we all got along great! Then she started to make the comments, "My parents are only glad I'm home because I brought you"—stuff like that. They took me in like I was their son.

About a month ago, I had the opportunity to go to NY to be in a feature film my friend is directing and I took her with me. We had a blast! It was one of the highest points in our relationship. We got to hangout with the names for a week and made a ton of new great friends. She seemed to be genuinely happy. She even bragged about it online like she was super proud.

Then right after that, she decided to end our relationship when she found out about the proposal. Very abruptly too.

What could I have done differently? I'm not sure. I was there for her, for her family, etc.
She also started making comments about my disability, which was never an issue before. Now she says it's embarrassing.

Jesse, Pennsylvania

Breakups Are Never Random, Seeds Are Always Planted Beforehand

Jennifer Klesman, a licensed clinical social worker and licensed therapist at Cityscape Counseling in Chicago, Illinois.

Hearing this situation and story is heartbreaking, not just for the actual heartbreak but there is probably a loss of identity in the mix. Not just your identity, going from having stability to now having none, but losing the person you may have thought you were willing to commit the rest of your life to.

From the situation described, I imagine there were doubts already in your partner's mind long before now, despite her behavior, about long-term expectations and wants.

Breakups don't come out of nowhere. There was a seed of doubt planted a while back that probably waxed and waned for a long time. It feels terrible to think that we don't have any control over it, nor should we. We want someone who is genuinely interested in being with us as ourselves. To change yourself to make a relationship work isn't as ideal as the heartbroken imagine it could be. Primarily because some of those changes that are requested of us aren't realistic or maintainable long term.

Consider the person she is, leaving you without the basics to survive day to day. That is more than romantically abandoning you—that is showing you the type of person you were dating. This may be a clash of values that in the long term could have come up and been a disruption later on. If she so abruptly ended it, it speaks more about her than of you, meaning you didn't do anything wrong.

You Need to Communicate More in Future Relationships

Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed psychotherapist in Phoenix, Arizona who is the owner of Evolve Counseling & Behavioral Health Services.

It can be very confusing and bewildering when one partner makes a decision in a relationship that completely blindsides the other. This is often a reflection of each partner having a very different perception of how the relationship is going and what they want from it long-term.

What I have come to realize in working as a couple's counselor is that in these types of situations, the primary thing that could have been done differently was ensuring that there was more open, honest, and vulnerable conversation taking place throughout the course of the relationship.

In healthy relationships, where both partners feel safe to express their feelings about themselves, their partner, and the relationship, this type of situation happens a lot less frequently because the couple has been discussing any concern, unmet needs, and perspectives of the relationship on a regular basis.

It appears that based on what you are describing, you did not do anything "wrong" in terms of your behavior towards your partner or her family. This is obviously based on one side of the relationship, so your partner most certainly could have different beliefs around this.

However, if your partner had been "making comments" throughout the duration of the relationship about things she didn't like or was uncomfortable with, this would have been a great opportunity to sit down and talk in more depth and detail about each other's concerns and possibly what you would like to see differently in the relationship.

Practice more open and honest dialogue in your future relationships. I encourage my clients to check in daily for about 10-15 minutes, but then to also set aside about an hour or so per week to dig deeper into how each partner is feeling about the relationship, any unmet needs or wants, and anything they would like to see change.

Also set more clear boundaries in future relationships and realize that it was not your responsibility to do all the things you mentioned you did in the relationship, unless you genuinely wanted to do them. It is common to experience resentments after a relationship ends; however, it is crucial to recognize that it would have been valuable to set boundaries throughout this time to prevent feeling used in this situation.